Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, September 12, 2005

New Mission Statement: 3.20

A small but growing number of you have been making rumblings-- either to me privately via email [I love rumblings, btw, that's] or in my comments [yes, that's you, rabbikubota]-- that I seem a bit listless without an evil overlord like Sloane to act as my foil and personify all that is wrong with Ho'wood. Perhaps I am. Perhaps now that I'm in a work situation that is significantly improved from my last position [further proof there is a God, even for assistants] I'm going soft on you.

Well, that's where my new mission statement comes in. I know, I know, mission statements are for corporate drones. But I'm taking the mission statement back from them. Because really, a mission statement is just that. A statement of purpose, a goal. So here now, is mine.

I, Assistant/Atlas, will say what your assistant SHOULD say. I will tell you what we could say-- if in the real world, we were allowed to talk back. I am what your assistant is thinking when he rolls his eyes. I'm the advice you're not listening to, the ideas you're passing on, and the beauty you're destroying.

I won't pretend to be the conscience you're ignoring because I know you don't have a conscience anymore.

I am the written mind of the Hollywood assistant, laid bare for all to see.

So to the system that causes us to bite our tongues, I say stuff it. Stuff it, system. I am SO done with you. You can be defeated and I'm going to do it-- or at least have fun trying. And if this sounds whiny to you, farkle your misinterpretations. Because I am so angry I could break beautiful things.

At the same time, I feel the urge to build, to nuture, to create traditions that are worthwhile, to cherish what is worth saving. I will do my best to do my duty to screw with the system and re-make it my own image.

So this, then, is my mission: to be the superhero assistant of the blogosphere.

And f*ck off if you don't accept it.

You gave me a sense of purpose. And often, a migraine.

Side note to the mission: Heckle "Hollywood Momentum" as much as possible. Why? Because, apparently, they think they're funny. If you were the least bit funny, you'd realize the ill-advisedness of having a section entitled "Tool Box". Seriously, you guys just make it too easy.


Blogger Should I Blog This? said...

Here's an's your damn blog! Write about whatever the hell you want! Who cares what others think you should write?

5:04 PM

Anonymous Missy said...

Hey Assistant Atlas,

Nice ramble today! as someone has commented - it's your blog you can blog whatever you wish! expectations at times may be high and wanting but that is the age old dilemma of supply and demand.

I write to you from across the pacific - a little island called Australia - known for a wanker crocodile 'hunter' (read: torturer) and where disappearing planes take off from - with only one 'surviving' aussie on board.

I have the pleasure of observing the workings of runaway hollywood on my own turf and have a few times now found myself assisting some hilariously, ridiculous power trippers. (an aside: aussie crew often get together socially at dinner after a 16 hr day to swap stories and laugh at the outrageousness of american producer/directors - sometimes we invite imported american crew along with us to make them tell us stories) I have often been asked such questions from visiting studio types such as: Why is the paper different here? (WTF? - it's A4 like yours just not called US letter) Do you have a Starbucks? (We have about a 100 dickhead - but there are also other coffee establishments - we DO know what coffee is!) What does the crew think of me? (that your a spoilt fuckwit not worthy of having anyone think anything good of you -oh and we bitch about how fucked up your storyboards are! but if your paying a local aussie in US $$ to interpret them then thats sweet) - These are just a tame few but the most common. except for the fact that we DO spell Colour (Color - for those of you playing at home) differently - get over it you have a fucking $100M movie to direct/act in!

Point is - if an Australian behaved in such a way as these power trippers then they would be forced into the outback with little more then a cell phone that doesn't have global roaming. (note to intended visiting US producers/ directors/actors: Sort some shit out BEFORE you leave LA - or just deal with it and accept that we have different power points/voltage system, cell/MOBILE phone networks and that Australian waiters will roll their eyes at you if you question them. Oh and if you are bringing your wife, 2 nannies and one child we will scoff at how over the top and unnecessary it is to have any nannies at all if your wife NEVER leaves your childs side!)

So Assistant atlas I'm enjoying your blog from afar and have shared it amongst other assistant types down here. We may be a minutely small industry in comparison but lets just say I love earning the big bucks when hollywood comes to town to 'save money' - makes it easier to have a holiday afterwards and then go and work on my own stuff or Aussie features. It's called milking the system - it's our mantra. and sorry - I don't feel bad about other countries taking runaway productions - there are MORE then enough to go around!

Good luck on your Mission!

6:08 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did everyone else not read the whole post? I thought he was just letting everyone know what his mission was and told us to go "f*ck" ourselves if we didn't like it?

6:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Write whatever you want. It's your blog after all. I will say that I especially enjoy reading you bitch about how hellish assistants' lives are...because I know mine is.

And Hollywood Momentum? Worst site with the most deluded writers ever. I will say it's good that they're so content in their jobs, seems unlikely that anyone that cheery will ever get promoted.

8:36 PM

Blogger Rocky & Mugsy's Moll said...

as a fellow assistant - i feel your pain. I only looked at Hollywood Momentum for two seconds before I had to click away - its garish display was too much for these jaded eyes.

8:46 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. So not funny. More like the ultimate lame. The 'Spotlight on' just let's these tools name drop celebrities they've met. It makes me want to throw my computer out the window and then light it on fire.

11:00 AM


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