Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch: 3.14

As a native Kansan, I do my best to keep up with news from my homeland. Of course, that's fairly difficult in Los Angeles because the people/press here, quite rightly, don't give a flying f*ck about . I mean, really, why should they? News out of Kansas is invariably depressing, after all-- it's all tornadoes, droughts and right-wing morons.
True.
There are rolling hills.

Whenever I tell people that I'm from Kansas, there are several stock responses:

1) "Oh, you're from Kansas? I'm sorry."
2) "Did you grow up on a farm?" [ed. note-- no]
3) "Really? I could've sworn you were from somewhere. . . else." [read: better and/or cooler]
4) "Really? Me too."

You'd be surprised how often I get #4, especially among ultra-hipsters and industryites. What's interesting to me, though, is the fact that so many fascinating, engaging, intelligent Kansans have ended up in California. While growing up in Kansas, you'd never suspect that so many cool people could have come from such a relentlessly-unhip place. Further, it's awfully odd that so many of them end up in California. Or is it? I, for one, don't think it's a coincidence.

We were driven out.
Run away, Dorothy!
Are you listening, Kansas? You sent your best and brightest fleeing for the coasts with your stupidity, intolerance and stubborn refusal to see the consequences of your actions.

A bit of background for the non-Kansans. The Kansas State Board of Education is bitterly divided over the 'theory of evolution'. The members from the non-retarded parts of the state [Kansas City and its suburbs, the college town of Lawrence, and, to an extent, the 'cities' of Topeka and Wichita] favor science standards that essentially require evolution to be taught as part of the standard science curriculum. The members from everywhere else are right-wing nutjobs who think that God created everything in like, a week or so, and therefore, evolution should be 'de-emphasized'.

I was still in high school in Kansas in 1999 when the conservative whackos gained a majority on the school board and launched the latest in a series of evolution debates that should've ended with the Scopes Monkey Trial in 1925. I wish you could've seen our science class [AP Biology] when the controversy broke-- our teacher had to restrain some of us more adamant evolution-believers from smart-smacking the few kids stupid enough to defend creationism. And those very same aggressively science-friendly kids nearly all fled to out-of-state universities upon graduation. The point is, my friends, that Kansans are not monolithically stupid.

But at long last, the mind-numbing debate over the issue has spawned something positive, something that gives hope and solace to thousands, if not millions of people all over the world-- The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I know many of you out there are already devout Pastafarians. I, too, have been touched by His noodly appendage.

This is my new God.

In all seriousness, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism makes just about as much sense as "Intelligent Design" theory.

If you've got some free time and you're interested in contacting Kansas Board of Education members, here's the link. Remember, the four intelligent people on the board are Sue Gamble, Carol Rupe, Bill Wagnon, and Janet Waugh, so don't bother with them. Personally, if you're looking to get some kicks, I'd recommend calling Mrs. Iris Van Meter at home. Here's her number: 620-839-5621. It'd be best to call her while coked out of your head at 3 am. [London Cokehead, you can call whenever you want]

And if you want to see something really scary, check out the biographies of the members. My favorite is Connie Morris, whose "autobiography, 'From the Darkness: One Woman’s Rise to Nobility', has been published by Huntington House Publishers. The book is Connie’s story of recovery through Christ from incest, rape, domestic violence, substance abuse, and poverty during her early years in the Appalachian Mountains region." And this woman sits on the Board of Education in Kansas.

Can you see why I left? Can you see why all the smart kids are gone?

11 Comments:

Anonymous Tiffany said...

There's an industry networking group for Kansas natives.

11:42 PM

 
Anonymous Sheana said...

Dayum. It probably makes me backward, but I hope that someday there's an influx of enlightened Kansans (and folks in general, regardless of point of origin) back to Kansas, as teachers, board members and otherwise influential thinkers.

7:08 AM

 
Anonymous yetanotherkansan said...

Hey Tiffany, do you know the name of that group? Or their website? Or any other info? I tried googling, but I couldn't find anything other than a mention of "The Kansas Connection" in a random article on acting.

Personally, I'd love to go to a meeting of it-- Atlas is totally right. Every other Kansan I've met in LA has been just absurdly cool.

8:44 AM

 
Anonymous matt dubya said...

This post amused me and angered me at the same time. No matter where you're from, everyone knows at least a few insanely closed-minded people, and it's funny, as rational intellectuals, to laugh at their ignorance. But it's also f%#king scary how many of them exist. Just thinking about all those fundamentalists in the fly-over states holding their self-interpreted bibles up in the air makes my blood boil.

Thank God for California.

10:58 AM

 
Blogger bdrtthnnb said...

Hi all... well i'm a native Californian whose father immigrated from Kansas after WW2. After coming home from the South Pacific he was stationed in CA and met and married my mother who was native CA. The reason he made the move had nothing to do with the issues you raise here... hmmmm as best as I can dig out of him it's because of LOVE and climate!!! O, well, don't be too hard on creationaists . We aren't all as tight assed as you seem to think. Being a creationsist doesn't equate to being a fundamentalist or bigot or backward or ignorant... so take it easy becasue there are some really crazy wackos (sp?) on both sides of that and most every other issue that gets our blood pressure up... Anyway, thank God for Kansas since it's the birthplace of several generations of my pop's side of the family

11:33 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet Jesus was a Kansan.

3:50 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, that's great dan. for your family. but we're not talking about your family, we're making a generalization based on a majority view in the area. I'm glad you like Kansas because your family is from there...but don't kid yourself, there are a LOT of fundamentalist nutjobs.

but I guess I'm glad to hear of a creationist with a loose ass.

3:57 PM

 
Anonymous HoosierBroFromKS said...

This blog is obviously the work of some pot-smoking, uneducated heathen. How dare you attack our fine legislators? Without their Christian values, the state of Kansas would have undoubtedly become some kind of wretchid wasteland of sex and drugs and whatever other evil things that run rampant in California.

PS Phill Kline for President!!!! REPENT NOW OR SUFFER IN ETERNAL DAMNATION

4:28 PM

 
Blogger london cokehead said...

Thanks , I'll do that ..

Although I think modern evolutionary thinking is deeply flawed .

And how bizzare ! , I was reading the Wiki Flying Spaghetti Monster thing just the other day ???

7:16 PM

 
Anonymous Colfax said...

blind faith to evolution is even more fucking stupid than blind faith to creationism.

They are both deeply flawed but the smug, arrogant attitude of evolutionists justs makes them look that much more dumb.

5:38 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How so? At least they're basing their smug arrogance on something folks have gone out of their way to test - not on blind faith.

3:14 AM

 

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