Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Confessions of a Disloyal Assistant: 2.28

How smooth of an operator is Atlas? Not only can he blog this from his desk, but he can throw off Sloane's suspicions with ease.

I was actually talking to Sloane at my desk when my cell phone rang (note to self: get a new ring tone, Fur Elise is getting old). I pull it out of my pocket sheepishly, as I normally have my cell off at work, and glance at the caller ID. I don't recognize the number so I ask Sloane if I can answer it.

Sloane: "Fine. But if it's personal, you better hang the f**k up." He then waves his hand like a Roman Emperor ushering a servant away.

I answer: "Hello?"
Voice on Phone: "Hi, this Aliotta Fagina from XXX (big acronym agency). Is this Atlas?"
I say: "Hi Aliotta from XXX. Yes, this is him." Sloane leans in, interested.
Aliotta: "Listen, I just got your resume and we'd like to bring you in for an interview."
I say: "Really, that's great. Been having a lot of interest there, actually." Sloane looks excited.
Aliotta seems flummoxed that I'm not more excited. Aliotta: "Really? Oh."
I say: "So what can I do for you, Aliotta?" Sloane continues to lean over my desk as I get very nervous.
Aliotta: "Well, I was wondering if you'd have time for an interview later this week."
I say: "That sounds great. Maybe I could drop by on Wednesday. Things should be worked out a little better by then." Sloane raises an eyebrow at this highly unusual utterance.
Aliotta: "Perfect. How does eleven sound? We can work you in before lunch."
I say: "I'll be there with bells on at eleven. Anything in particular I should bring?"
Aliotta: "Just need a hard copy of your resume. Here's the info for your meeting."
I write down the pertinent info (except for a reminder to bring my resume).
I say: "Thanks Aliotta. See you Wednesday." I clap my phone shut.

Sloane is expectant: "What the hell was that, Atlas?"
Not missing a beat, I say: "That was Aliotta Fagina from XXX. She was hoping I could drop by a fresh copy of the script and wanted to meet me to get the latest on it."
Sloane: "I thought Fagtastic Benny was your guy at XXX." (note: Sloane actually calls the poor guy "Fagtastic _______")
Atlas: "I used my super-assistant skills to go over his head. Aliotta is his higher-up."
Sloane: "Why didn't she or her assistant call the office?"
Atlas: "Um, well, I actually, uh, used a friend of mine to get her the script. And I guess my friend gave her my cell."
Sloane: "Why can't you just mail the script?"
Atlas: "I could, I guess. But she wanted a mini-meeting."
Sloane: "Why would she want that?" I'm hiding my nervousness well despite the fact that Sloane is very leery.
Atlas: "Uh, I don't know." Dammit, my brain isn't working fast enough.
Sloane: "Well I need you here. Tell her she's not allowed to waste my assistant's time. I don't give a flying f**k if she works for XXX or a strip club, the only reason to have a meeting is if they want the f**king script."
Atlas: "Look, I think my friend is trying to set us up-- she'll always trying to do that. I should take the meeting, you know, give her the ole wink and nod, get her to advance the script. And it won't be a super-long meeting anyway. I think she just wants to make sure our mutual friend wasn't exaggerating or whatever."
Sloane: "You're a whore, Atlas."
Atlas: "Which would make you my pimp if I sell the script. And I don't think I need to remind you about the money relationships between pimps and 'hos."

Sloane rolls his eyes, waves his arm dismissively again and heads back into his office.

I call after him: "So that's a yes on the meeting?"

Looking like this means Aliotta Fagina in this town wants you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you have a fallback occupation (whore/hustler) if the whole assistant thing falls through.

1:45 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


I love the "So that's a yes on the meeting?" line.

Hope it all goes well.

1:59 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You look like Chad Michael Murray? I guess that explains why your girlfriend looks like Famke Janssen.

2:04 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So your meeting is at CAA?

2:26 PM

Blogger Michael K said...

I would've freaked out!

3:28 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meeting at CAA? Everyone knows the biggest whores are at ICM-- which is why they're getting bought.

5:26 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Screw that, CAA is the whorefest. That's why everyone's leaving while they can.

6:17 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Whoa, whoa. I'm stepping in here to avert a major CAA-ICM-UTA-WMA assistant slapfest. Remember, if you're working at one of these places, it's pretty much assumed that you're a whore. And before you jump in with-- "But, Atlas, they're bigger whores than we are"-- just remember that all whores are created equal. So know more whore-calling.
And by the way, last time I heard, the whole ICM buy-out was just a Defamer-spawned rumor. But if anyone wants to give me the inside scoop, I can be emailed at

6:29 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Atlas, say it ain't so. You can't leave-- what am I going to do without my Sloane fix?

8:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

No slapfest? What are we supposed to do, Atlas, just comment on how pretty Chad Michael Murray is? Mmm...Chad Michael Murraaaaaaaa...bliss.

9:00 PM

Blogger B2 said...

Good luck in your meeting, but consider us humble followers before you make a decision about jumping ship and depriving us of Sloane stories. Because I'm sure there aren't any other bosses like him in Hollywood.

9:11 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yes, there are plenty of bosses like him in Hollywood. Some are much worse. And there are whole talent agencies full of them. Atlas would have plenty of stories from any of the agencies.

11:43 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come to WMA, Atlas. We're just slightly less evil here. I could use some hot assistant eye candy. Oops, think I just broke the sexual harassment policy. Well, I'm sure it won't ever happen again here.

6:08 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Ack. I'm losing my perfect typing touch. That should've been "no" not "know" in "So no more whore calling". At least I caught it before anyone else who cared to comment.

And I'm guessing we like my new Chad Michael Murray avatar? Not One Tree Hill joke has been made. Okay, then.

6:15 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know Atlas personally and I think CMM suits him just fine.

2:52 PM

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