Sloane Discusses Young Starlets: 2.23

I think you kiddies are gonna like this one. It not only provides a little more insight into mine and Sloane's jobs, as you've been asking for, but it also features Sloane prominently. And I know some of you like him better than an eight-ball of Colombia's finest.

Today, Sloane and I were discussing actresses, with an emphasis on the dissing and cussing. You see, we've got this script that is abso-friggin-lutely amazing [my discovery, naturally]. A bit of backstory is necessary. Our main job, you see, is to sell screenplays. But in today's Hollywood, a script by itself is a hard thing to sell, even if the script is amazingly good. Companies usually want some kind of heat and/or buzz, or a hot attachment of either a director or actor, even if it's just a whisper attachment (meaning that I hint to a fellow assistant that so-and-so hot director has read the script and wants to do it). It's that old Hollywood dictum in action: "No one likes going to bed alone". (I think I paraphrased that incorrectly, but you get the idea)

So we've got this script. Sloane likes it because it has a lot of sex in it (though not too much on the part of the lead, who just has to be sexy, not necessarily sexual on screen). The lead is a young white woman who could play a 17/18-year-old. The catch is-- she has to be able to act. I mean, really ACT. So Sloane and I began talking through potential leads to establish a list of who to ask and in what order. My first thought was Evan Rachel Wood, who gave a dynamite performance in "Thirteen".

Sloane: "Who the hell is Evan Rachel Wood?"

I expand upon her very solid credits. Sloane snorts.

Sloane: "Sounds to me like she just plays the young one in movies with really old people in them."

I show Sloane a picture of her.

Sloane: "Well, I guess I'd f**k her. Write her down. What about Scarlett Johanssen?"
Atlas: "She's amazing, but I don't think we could get her. I mean, this is the perfect part for a young actress to prove she can act. I think everyone knows Scarlett Johanssen can act."
Sloane: "They might forget that after 'The Island.'"

I write down Scarlett Johanssen ahead of Wood.

Atlas: "What about Alexis Bledel?"
Sloane: "What? All she does is Disney crap."
Atlas: "She played a hooker in Sin City."

That convinces Sloane. I write down Bledel after Wood.

Atlas: "Oh hey, I bet we could get Tina Majorino for like, nothing."
Sloane: "The girl from Waterworld?" I nod.
Sloane: "Atlas, I want someone I'd want to f**k in this part, not someone I'd want to hire as a f**king babysitter. Besides, there's a reason she's cheap."

I don't write down her name.

Sloane: "What about Samaire Armstrong? I'd f**k her in a minute."
Atlas thinks: "And wouldn't that be an upgrade from Bubbles."
Atlas says: "She's hot, but I haven't really seen her act all that much."
Sloane: "Yeah, but I'd still f**k her."

I write down Samaire Armstrong at the bottom of the list.

Atlas: "How about Amber Tamblyn? She can act."
Sloane: "The Joan of Arcadia girl?" I nod.
Sloane: "Seriously, Atlas, would you f**k her?"
Atlas: "Well...she seems nice. Uh, maybe?"
Sloane: "Next."

Amber Tamblyn doesn't make the list.

Atlas: "How about Michelle Trachtenberg? She's pretty good and she's getting really hot."
Sloane: "Isn't she a little old?"
Atlas: "Um, I think she's like twenty."
Sloane: "I'd prefer someone who's barely legal."

Ain't that the truth. I write down Trachtenberg ahead of Wood, but below Johanssen.

Sloane: "Hey, Hilary Duff's almost 18."
Atlas: "I really can't see Hilary Duff doing a movie that has an orgy scene."
Sloane: "Yeah, but it'd be hot, right?"
Atlas: "Shouldn't we try to get someone who can act?"

I don't write down Hilary Duff.

Sloane: "Hey, Lindsay Lohan-- isn't the character supposed to be undernourished?"

I put Lohan on the list between Trachtenberg and Wood.

Atlas: "Taryn Manning can act."
Sloane: "She can also suck a great c*ck, but I wouldn't go to the theater to see it."

Since I would, I put her on the list after Bledel.

Sloane: "Hey what's that girl with the funny name who was in that sh**ty movie with Paul Walker?"
Atlas: "Leelee Sobieski?"
Sloane: "Yeah, I'd like to see her naked."
Atlas: "But this part requires voice modulation and more than one facial expression."
Sloane: "Jesus you're picky."

I don't write down Sobieski.

Sloane: "Oh, we forgot Jessica Alba."
Atlas: "No, I thought of her, but she's right up there with Leelee on the crappy actress list."
Sloane: "But if she was in this movie, you'd see it."

My loins indicate a strong affirmative, so Alba makes the list below the people who can act.

If you're keeping score, here's the final list:
Scarlett Johanssen
Michelle Trachtenberg
Lindsay Lohan
Evan Rachel Wood
Alexis Bledel
Taryn Manning
Jessica Alba
Samaire Armstrong