Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Sloane Discusses Young Starlets: 2.23

I think you kiddies are gonna like this one. It not only provides a little more insight into mine and Sloane's jobs, as you've been asking for, but it also features Sloane prominently. And I know some of you like him better than an eight-ball of Colombia's finest.

Today, Sloane and I were discussing actresses, with an emphasis on the dissing and cussing. You see, we've got this script that is abso-friggin-lutely amazing [my discovery, naturally]. A bit of backstory is necessary. Our main job, you see, is to sell screenplays. But in today's Hollywood, a script by itself is a hard thing to sell, even if the script is amazingly good. Companies usually want some kind of heat and/or buzz, or a hot attachment of either a director or actor, even if it's just a whisper attachment (meaning that I hint to a fellow assistant that so-and-so hot director has read the script and wants to do it). It's that old Hollywood dictum in action: "No one likes going to bed alone". (I think I paraphrased that incorrectly, but you get the idea)

So we've got this script. Sloane likes it because it has a lot of sex in it (though not too much on the part of the lead, who just has to be sexy, not necessarily sexual on screen). The lead is a young white woman who could play a 17/18-year-old. The catch is-- she has to be able to act. I mean, really ACT. So Sloane and I began talking through potential leads to establish a list of who to ask and in what order. My first thought was Evan Rachel Wood, who gave a dynamite performance in "Thirteen".

Sloane: "Who the hell is Evan Rachel Wood?"

I expand upon her very solid credits. Sloane snorts.

Sloane: "Sounds to me like she just plays the young one in movies with really old people in them."

I show Sloane a picture of her.

Sloane: "Well, I guess I'd f**k her. Write her down. What about Scarlett Johanssen?"
Atlas: "She's amazing, but I don't think we could get her. I mean, this is the perfect part for a young actress to prove she can act. I think everyone knows Scarlett Johanssen can act."
Sloane: "They might forget that after 'The Island.'"

I write down Scarlett Johanssen ahead of Wood.

Atlas: "What about Alexis Bledel?"
Sloane: "What? All she does is Disney crap."
Atlas: "She played a hooker in Sin City."

That convinces Sloane. I write down Bledel after Wood.

Atlas: "Oh hey, I bet we could get Tina Majorino for like, nothing."
Sloane: "The girl from Waterworld?" I nod.
Sloane: "Atlas, I want someone I'd want to f**k in this part, not someone I'd want to hire as a f**king babysitter. Besides, there's a reason she's cheap."

I don't write down her name.

Sloane: "What about Samaire Armstrong? I'd f**k her in a minute."
Atlas thinks: "And wouldn't that be an upgrade from Bubbles."
Atlas says: "She's hot, but I haven't really seen her act all that much."
Sloane: "Yeah, but I'd still f**k her."

I write down Samaire Armstrong at the bottom of the list.

Atlas: "How about Amber Tamblyn? She can act."
Sloane: "The Joan of Arcadia girl?" I nod.
Sloane: "Seriously, Atlas, would you f**k her?"
Atlas: "Well...she seems nice. Uh, maybe?"
Sloane: "Next."

Amber Tamblyn doesn't make the list.

Atlas: "How about Michelle Trachtenberg? She's pretty good and she's getting really hot."
Sloane: "Isn't she a little old?"
Atlas: "Um, I think she's like twenty."
Sloane: "I'd prefer someone who's barely legal."

Ain't that the truth. I write down Trachtenberg ahead of Wood, but below Johanssen.

Sloane: "Hey, Hilary Duff's almost 18."
Atlas: "I really can't see Hilary Duff doing a movie that has an orgy scene."
Sloane: "Yeah, but it'd be hot, right?"
Atlas: "Shouldn't we try to get someone who can act?"

I don't write down Hilary Duff.

Sloane: "Hey, Lindsay Lohan-- isn't the character supposed to be undernourished?"

I put Lohan on the list between Trachtenberg and Wood.

Atlas: "Taryn Manning can act."
Sloane: "She can also suck a great c*ck, but I wouldn't go to the theater to see it."

Since I would, I put her on the list after Bledel.

Sloane: "Hey what's that girl with the funny name who was in that sh**ty movie with Paul Walker?"
Atlas: "Leelee Sobieski?"
Sloane: "Yeah, I'd like to see her naked."
Atlas: "But this part requires voice modulation and more than one facial expression."
Sloane: "Jesus you're picky."

I don't write down Sobieski.

Sloane: "Oh, we forgot Jessica Alba."
Atlas: "No, I thought of her, but she's right up there with Leelee on the crappy actress list."
Sloane: "But if she was in this movie, you'd see it."

My loins indicate a strong affirmative, so Alba makes the list below the people who can act.

If you're keeping score, here's the final list:
Scarlett Johanssen
Michelle Trachtenberg
Lindsay Lohan
Evan Rachel Wood
Alexis Bledel
Taryn Manning
Jessica Alba
Samaire Armstrong


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't believe I didn't think of her myself [I did however think of Scarlett Johanssen, before seeing that you and Sloane did as well], but check "Pink is The New Blog's" post today about Elisha Cuthbert. Its actually about her talents as an actress, as if he were posting in response to your post. Funny...

1:26 PM

Blogger skyler k. said...

Choose Lindsay, god damnit, I wanna see her fake tits.

9:03 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lindsay's boobies are not fake. They shrank when she became a coke fiend, which silicon doesn't do. Also, whatever you do, avoid Jessica Alba. She ruins every movie she's in.

9:13 AM

Blogger skyler k. said...

Not fake my ass! She and bitch Tara Reid both went under the knife together like the best buddies that they are. Evan Rachel Wood was an amazing actress in Thirteen, she'd be able to play up a sexy part.

9:37 AM

Blogger Michael K said...

Ya go with HoHan. She's my fave, I'd see a movie with her in and an orgy scene.

10:04 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow - and here I thought Hollywood was just based on looks and not talent...

Geez, how wrong I was.

Sloane sounds like a real winner there A/A...

10:59 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good post, Atlas. Now I know why movies suck so much. Um thanks I guess?

12:59 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think you're giving Amber Tamblyn enough credit. She takes a little getting used to but she's damn hot. There was one Joan of Arcadia where she was wearing tight jeans and I almost lost it. She has the most underrated ass in the business.

6:58 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alba= not white. Yay for colorblind casting?

1:29 AM


Post a Comment

<< Home