Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, October 09, 2006

How To Get A "Superior" Fired: 5.39

Sorry 'bout the lack of posting. Again, I blame Time Warner.
Before we start, I'd like to say this: I don't necessarily condone any of these things that I'm going to suggest.

But I'm still gonna write them...

...because I'm confident that one day an assistant will Google them up, these Internet-immortal words, and use them for wonderfully nefarious purposes. Also, before anyone gets angry, let's remember that this is the blog of an anonymous, often irate, Hollywood assistant. Take it with the grain of electronic salt with which it is intended. This is for infotainment purposes only.

And no, this isn't a list, like this other post, because getting someone fired is really a strategy. Sorry. But I did add fun bold words, so pay attention to those or something.

Getting a superior fired is a strategy because it must unfold over the long term. It has many prongs, different feints and parries, like a really wicked swordfight. I'll spare you further dick metaphors. And note that getting someone fired requires a lot of 'feminine wiles' like backstabbing, trickery, mastery of employesexual politics, empathy, and sensitivity.

You've got to pick and choose opportunities to highlight the superior's worst decisions. At the beginning, you'll have to frame them in the context of confusion, wondering about why things are like they are. As you progress, and blowback increases toward the Superior, take care to encourage others to take the lead on expressing collective concerns to other "Superiors."

BE CAREFUL. This can easily backfire. If it starts to, back off immediately. You'll notice by the blowback in your direction such as calls wondering if you and "Superior" have an okay relationship and telling/ordering/asking you to patch things up. If that happens, you must pick a new flaw to highlight for at least your next one or two that you highlight. And back off the highlighting long enough for a reconciliation. Remember, at least one or two more flaws until you can bring that one up again. If there aren't that many, reconsider your position.

It's really all about Neo-Unions, which differ from regulation old, "scary" Unions in that they're more ad hoc, less formal, more cooperative, and significantly less powerful. But, if marshalled effectively, they can, and do, influence the actions of bosses. Your Neo-Union, if you don't quite understand it already, is basically your co-workers.

Keep in mind that Neo-Unions' loose structure means that you can pull in outsiders to provide independent criticism of Superiors and especially, their most relevant decisions. Whether they're PR people (tough, b/c they're so professionally happy) or computer people (good, but their criticisms will often get lost) or advertisers (sweet spot cuz they're the money people). But getting these outsiders to criticize your target Superior's actions can be an invaluable push for otherwise-complacent Big Bosses. Again, be careful this criticism doesn't fall on you.

-If your superior has been on the job longer than you, unless there is gross negligence, Bad Boss ain't goin' nowhere. Or at least, not by your hand.

-Ultimatums (ie- it's him or me) have a .0001% chance of success. Never put your job on the line over someone else's bad behavior. That statement's good in a lot ways, and a lot of situations.

-Whatever you do, never let your Superior know that you're targeting them. Be tight-lipped around other employees as much as possible without severely comprimising your other goals. If your Superior finds out definitively that you're after them, you're probably toast.

Go slowly, and go in good faith, my friends. If your cause is righteous, you should prevail. Hopefully, you're still young enough to believe this.

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