Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

American Idol Handicaps: Episode 1.12

"Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized."
-Albert Einstein

I had so much fun with prognostication on my last post, that I figured I'd do it again....

Since I have little to no life, I often spend my time watching American Idol. After this week's dismissal of the stylish, funky Nadia Turner in a mind-numbingly long results show, I've decided to measure the chances of the remaining seven contestants to become the all-powerful Idol. Also included are the likely ranks I think each contestant will have and my thoughts on their chances. This way, you won't EVER HAVE TO WATCH A RESULTS SHOW AGAIN! So, without further ado, the Idol list...

Let's start with ANWAR ROBINSON. Anwar was an early favorite of mine-- a kids' music teacher with a penchant for wailing new life into old standards. But he isn't too strong in the charisma department and his voice isn't 'technically the best in the competition' as Paula likes to say. He does well in the weekly challenges thanks to his ability to re-work some legendary songs [Dionne Warwick-- who knew?], but it won't keep him alive much longer. Likely place: 7th

Then there's SCOTT SAVOL, the chunk-tastic soulful-voiced white guy. And if you thought Anwar had charisma problems, take a look at Savol. The sympathy vote has sustained him so far, but it won't last him much longer, especially if he continues to give hit-and-miss performances. Unless he pulls something spectacular soon, he's gone. Likely place: 6th

Which brings me to VONZELL SOLOMON. Until she did Whitney, I could've taken or left her. After she knocked a Whitney song out of the park, I was forced to re-evaluate. Now, she is fun, seems sweet, and she's won medals for kickboxing, which is hot. And as one of the only two women left, she probably has at least a week or two before she's knocked out. But she just doesn't have the charisma to overtake Carrie or Bo. Likely place: 5th

Next is ANTHONY FEDEROV, whom I absolutely despise. Not only was this POS not actually born in the good ole US of A, but doctors once told him he'd probably never speak again. God, if only they'd been right. And if only the producers of American Idol were more nationalistic. Sure, he's cute and blond and has the safe sexuality of a eunuch, but goddam is he boring. His voice is okay, but that shouldn't be enough in a competition like this. His voice should be great-- and it's not. Unfortunately, he won't go until the preteen girl set is forced to choose between him, Carrie and Constantine. Likely place: 4th

CONSTANTINE MAROULIS reminds me of our President in a lot of ways. To wit, he's made it this far by defying the very low expectations set for him and sliding by on charisma as opposed to talent. Sadly, though, he'll probably go far in a competition that is dominated by mildly-retarded, undersexed female voters. This does assume that he doesn't screw things up with a horrific performance, which is certainly possible. Frankly, while Constantine may have the makings of a rock star [who doesn't?], he just doesn't have the pipes to be a superstar. Likely place: 3rd

The two finalists will be CARRIE UNDERWOOD and BO BICE. At least, I friggin' hope so. Carrie actually surprised me with her rockin' performance last week-- I loved that she just let her voice rip, and God, she has a hot walk. She does need a new dance move, however, as that side-to-side unrhythmic hip shake just ain't cuttin' it anymore [what were the judges watching that led them to criticize that performance?]. She's also Simon's favorite, has the same sort of consistency in her performances that brings to mind that first Idol, Kelly Clarkson, and is the sole remaining white girl in the competition.

She'll face off against Southern-tinged rocker Bo. Bo gives the kind of performances that make you wanna rock out with him [except for his take on the song from Pippin- and I thought his Free Bird rendition was mediocre]. Bo is struggling now that he has his song choices more limited, but I think he's talented enough to pull it off-- especially if he takes Simon's advice and brings his rock edge to songs that don't normally have it. Of course, he may crash and burn on a 'Big Band'-themed night or somesuch, but I'm betting he can overcome.

In the end, it will probably be Bo, who is a more natural performer than Carrie, but I won't go all the way and declare that he'll definitely win. It'll come down to the final performance, and Carrie seems to want it more. So who knows? Not being a psychic, I certainly don't. But it's fun to speculate, isn't it?


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