Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Dating On Demand: Episode 1.39

First off-- does anyone watch "Celebrity Justice"? Besides maybe Perez Hilton? Well, I just got an email from a producer on the show who informed me that there's at least a soundbite regarding the contest on tonight's show. It airs on KCAL in Los Angeles at ["like 12:30am, I think" according to the producer-- shouldn't he not have to think about this one?] Anyways, if you're up at 12:30 watching tv, check out "Celebrity Justice", why don't you? And we can continue the snowball effect that this lil "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest" has.

Now, on to today's post. It's a good one, if I do say so myself. I wrote it the other night but didn't post it until now, so enjoy.

HOLY, HOLY CRAP! Do you know what they have now! This has got to be the best idea ever-- Dating On Demand.

Okay, so my roommate and I pay way too much for a full Comcast cable package and they’ve launched a bunch of “On-Demand” programming. This is the sort of interactive tv we’ve been waiting for our entire lifetime. [ahem]

Anyway, it is kinda nice to be able to watch a Six Feet Under episode when there’s nothing on the 300+ channels we have. There’s movies, too, most not particularly good. It’s like Tivo, maybe even easier, if for no other reason that it just showed up maybe a month or two ago on our television. Last night, after determining that there was nothing on, my geeky roommate was rummaging through the options and happened upon the BEST INVENTION SINCE GOD!
Just kidding. Maybe.

This invention, brought to you by Comcast Cable, is called On-Demand Dating. See how it works is– you use your remote to select dating videos [usually about 3 min. in length] of various people. There’s also fun sections with best-of lists hosted by an eerily chipper, but hot, Asian woman. These include kinky stories, bad date experiences. The normal one story was told by this blonde about a blind double date [her, her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s boyfriend and Mr. Blind Date]. The date wasn’t going well, but it went worse when she crashed over and brought down a fence at a Putt-Putt golf course. But the thing that made it hilarious was the last line– this woman’s just described crashing over a Putt-Putt fence on an already-bad date, and then she goes, “And then we found out he was married!” You can’t make this stuff up, people. And this is just the PG-rated stuff they let us see. I almost want to work there just to see the outtakes. But I wouldn’t trade a soulless egomaniacal boss for a soulless egomaniacal corporation– you know, unless they had great dental.

Does everyone else realize how awesome this is? It’s like a dating service right in your own television. Now the television brings me nookie? When will this wonderful machine ever cease to amaze me? Never, I hope. Thanks, Comcast, for my making my lifetime count. I’ll always remember the first time I discovered On-Demand Dating, the pure, unadultered lust it inspired in me [which was awkward, considering my roommate was in the room]. The date, Saturday the 14th of May, 2005, the day the ray of goodness and light washed the previous day’s evil superstitious connotations away and basked me in its glow, will be forever printed in my memory.

It was the day when I knew I could enslave the entire human race.

Of course there would be some that escaped my enslaving, but they would forced into the mountains of Tibet and the American Rockies, and only the American accounts would be filmed. They’d be a hearty crew, but they’d ultimately be no match for my superior technology and hordes of brainwashed zombie people. Unless I was a stupid f**k-up and revealed my entire plan before it could be fully set into motion. Darn it.

I need to get more sleep, I think. I’m not usually this random.


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