Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest Update
Below is an updated post on the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest". If you're returning, be sure to check out the new caveats and the new posts below this one. If this is your first time to Assistant/Atlas, don't worry, I'll explain everything.
Assistant/Atlas is running a contest to right the cosmic wrong that is Ryan Seacrest's star on the sidewalks of Hollywood.
The first person to capture a photograph of the event mentioned in the contest's title will receive $50.
So if you support the idea of wreaking fecal havoc all up on Ryan Seacrest's star, you can help by supporting the site. To win this $50, you must be the first with a verified winning entry [set of pictures].
Now, please review the eligibility requirements and other materials to enter.
In Order to Enter This Contest:
1) You must be over 21, because you'll probably need to be good and drunk in order to think this is a good idea.
2) You must be personally offended by the snowjob that is Ryan Seacrest's star.
3) You must have a sense of humor that would be considered above average as well as a strong constitution-- there is no crying in the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest.
4) You must not know who Assistant Atlas is.
5) You must find [or know] the location of Ryan Seacrest's star on the sidewalks of Hollywood. [Hint: Look for the star before taking laxatives or pooping in a bag]
What You Need to Enter:
1) You, and probably a getaway driver
2) Feces, preferably runny, inside you or a plastic bag
3) A camera
To Win This Contest:
You must be the FIRST ONE to do the following [that will be from time I receive an email stating that this task is complete and the pictures are ready to be posted to me]:
You must take two pictures as proof if you actually poop right there on the star. The first should be close on the star-- with Ryan Seacrest's name at least mostly visible-- after the business has been done. The second should be one of you at some point during the dirty deed. It is acceptable to not show your face or to wear a ski mask during the deed to both avoid prosecution and the inevitable embarrassment of winning. Although, if you're willing to do the deed on a sidewalk in Hollywood, then maybe you're a publicity hound. And that's okay, too.
If you don't [or can't-- I realize this takes "pee-shy" to a whole new level] squat, then you must take FOUR picutres. First, you must have the one of yourself pooping into the bag in the privacy of your home/apartment. Then one of you with it in the getaway vehicle. Then one of the dumping of the dumping, and then one of the post-dump star.
1) Getting a homeless person to do his business on the star will not be accepted! Remember, this is cosmic justice, people. You must be so personally offended by Ryan Seacrest's star that you are going to defile it yourself.
2) Dog poo is also strictly prohibited. But if you take a picture of your dog pooping on the star, I promise I will do my best to publicize it. But you will not win the contest.
IT MUST BE YOUR OWN, ANGRY FECES ON THAT STAR TO SHOW RYAN THAT YOU REALLY CARE!
To Assuage Your Worries:
I, Assistant Atlas, promise that I will not show other people, post on the Internet or in any way release, anything but the winning pictures. And for the sick-minded of you out there, please note that I am NOT doing this to satisfy a bizarro people-pooping fetish. I assure that I am much more likely to burn any pictures I receive than to pleasure myself in any way while looking at them.
Please email email@example.com for picture-sending instructions. Thank you. . . and good luck!