An Open Letter to Elderly Angelenos: Episode 1.26

Dear Old People Who Live In Los Angeles,

Thank you so much for continuing to live, work or be retired in a city that places such value on youth. There are just so many reasons why I'm thankful for your presence in our fair city.

Thank you for slowing down traffic-- it improves my gas mileage. Also, thanks for driving home the point that you don't have to have a cell phone strapped to your ear to be a bad driver.

Thank you for agitating against new immigrants- after all, I moved to LA for its ethnic homogeneity.

Thanks for helping to teach me proper values, like 'all gay people are evil, hell-bound sodomites' and 'everyone should learn to speak English' and 'you should respect your elders, regardless of whether they earned it'.

Thanks for complaining about everything-- after all, how else is it going to improve?

Thanks for the environment my generation is inheriting. Of course, it's not perfect, but thanks to the balanced budget and low national debt you're passing on, we'll be able to clean up what little needs cleaning.

And finally, thanks for just being you.

Love,
Assistant/Atlas

PS-- Does anyone know how they achieve nuclear fusion in a cup of coffee at McDonald's? Seriously, it's 30 minutes later and I still can't drink the damn thing. I think old people who complain about cold coffee are probably responsible for that one, too.