The "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest!!!
If you're looking for the Executive of the Week post-- sorry. The Executive of the Week will henceforth be announced on Mondays, because I have decided that that is the official beginning of the work week. But Friday is a good day to start this contest.
Yes, that's right, folks. You read that title correctly.
Assistant/Atlas is running a contest to right the cosmic wrong that is Ryan Seacrest's star on the sidewalks of Hollywood. The first person to capture a photograph of the aforementioned event will receive fifty bucks.
Now, please review the eligibility requirements and other materials to enter.
In Order to Enter This Contest:
1) You must be over 21, because you'll probably need to be good and drunk in order to think this is a good idea.
2) You must be personally offended by the snowjob that is Ryan Seacrest's star.
3) You must have a sense of humor that would be considered above average as well as a strong constitution-- there is no crying in the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest.
What You Need to Enter:
1) You, and probably a getaway driver
2) Feces, preferably runny, inside you or a plastic bag
3) A camera
You must actually take two pictures as proof. The first should be close on the star-- with Ryan Seacrest's name at least mostly visible-- after the business has been done. The second should be one of you doing the dirty deed, whether it be you squatting or just of you dumping a bag of business. It is acceptable to not show your face or to wear a ski mask during the deed to both avoid prosecution and the inevitable embarrassment of winning. Although, if you're willing to do the deed on a sidewalk in Hollywood, then maybe you're a publicity hound. And that's okay, too.
Please note: Getting a homeless person to do his business on the star will not be accepted! Remember, this is cosmic justice, people. You must be so personally offended by Ryan Seacrest's star that you are going to defile it yourself.
To Assuage Your Worries:
I, Assistant Atlas, promise that I will not show other people, post on the Internet or in any way release, anything but the winning pictures. And for the sick-minded of you out there, please note that I am NOT doing this to satisfy a bizarro people-pooping fetish. I assure that I am much more likely to burn any pictures I receive than to pleasure myself in any way while looking at them.
Please email email@example.com for picture-sending instructions. Thank you. . . and good luck!