Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest!!!

If you're looking for the Executive of the Week post-- sorry. The Executive of the Week will henceforth be announced on Mondays, because I have decided that that is the official beginning of the work week. But Friday is a good day to start this contest.

Yes, that's right, folks. You read that title correctly.

Assistant/Atlas is running a contest to right the cosmic wrong that is Ryan Seacrest's star on the sidewalks of Hollywood. The first person to capture a photograph of the aforementioned event will receive fifty bucks.

Now, please review the eligibility requirements and other materials to enter.

In Order to Enter This Contest:
1) You must be over 21, because you'll probably need to be good and drunk in order to think this is a good idea.
2) You must be personally offended by the snowjob that is Ryan Seacrest's star.
3) You must have a sense of humor that would be considered above average as well as a strong constitution-- there is no crying in the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest.

What You Need to Enter:
1) You, and probably a getaway driver
2) Feces, preferably runny, inside you or a plastic bag
3) A camera

To Win:
You must actually take two pictures as proof. The first should be close on the star-- with Ryan Seacrest's name at least mostly visible-- after the business has been done. The second should be one of you doing the dirty deed, whether it be you squatting or just of you dumping a bag of business. It is acceptable to not show your face or to wear a ski mask during the deed to both avoid prosecution and the inevitable embarrassment of winning. Although, if you're willing to do the deed on a sidewalk in Hollywood, then maybe you're a publicity hound. And that's okay, too.

Please note: Getting a homeless person to do his business on the star will not be accepted! Remember, this is cosmic justice, people. You must be so personally offended by Ryan Seacrest's star that you are going to defile it yourself.

To Assuage Your Worries:

I, Assistant Atlas, promise that I will not show other people, post on the Internet or in any way release, anything but the winning pictures. And for the sick-minded of you out there, please note that I am NOT doing this to satisfy a bizarro people-pooping fetish. I assure that I am much more likely to burn any pictures I receive than to pleasure myself in any way while looking at them.

Please email for picture-sending instructions. Thank you. . . and good luck!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is, hands-down, the BEST CONTEST EVER! I'm calling my getaway driver right now.

11:01 PM

Blogger Grace said...

Shit. No, not literally. I can't poop in public.

I'm out, dammit.

1:01 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I was in LA to do this! I can't to see it happen and what kind of reaction it gets!

7:26 AM

Blogger Mavis Beacon said...

I work right next to the star and mentally poop on it daily. I'll see what I can do about physicalizing things. I find the whole contest especially poetic because Ryan Seacrest loves to see a fella making good use of his pooper.

3:56 PM

Blogger Peggy Archer said...

I don't have the huevos to do it, but I know someone who's easily manipulated after a few drinks, and I'm going to give it a shot!

6:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going to take a road trip up there just to pull this one off. I am deeply offended by Seacrest. First I will begin by fiber packing 24 hrs in advance and then down a few bars of EX-LAX.

12:48 AM

Anonymous char said...

I can get grap my friends dog and bring him down to the park a few blocks over grab so fresh poop, have a few friends gather around the crapped star and take the pics and we can all hop in the Armada cause we got handicapped parking :)

Let me email this to her now.

7:09 AM

Blogger Richard Rockstar said...

So I am happily ignorant of the business of new Hollywood so can someone tell me how in the hell Mr. Peroxide got a star and Karen Black is still Starless. There is no justice in this world!!!!!!

P.S. I'm in LA in July and I know a few whack jobs who would be more than happy to do this. Maybe we can pry it out of the ground but that probably entails some pretty hefty fines and jail time.

10:05 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

When does the contest end?

The stupid thing is these stars have to file paper work or something and nominate themselves for a star. So you can bet that Ryan Seacrest has been badgering the poor people that run whom ever it is that controls the stars, for like years. Maybe they'd like to poop on his star?

7:23 PM

Blogger Norwegian Woohd said...

I'm not 21 but I am starting to feel the need to make a pilgrimage to the stars and do the deed anyways! But I do have one question, why dont you poop on it?

- NorwegianWoohd

2:00 AM

Blogger NerdNoir said...

Why the hell does he have a star in the first place? He HAS to be blackmailing someone on the Walk of Fame Committee, or else someone who's partically responsible for the horror that is American Idol wouldn't get a star.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog would be the perfect pooper.

7:40 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who was stupid enough to give him a star?!?!?

7:01 PM

Anonymous Todd said...

I hate Ryan (Seamen) I meant Seacrest I have an offer for the people that want his star to disapear. Here it is come up with $4,000.00 and I will remove it from the Walk of fame and i meen to rip that shit from the ground and smash it I will gladdly shit on it after for a full $4,000.00. That includes ripping it from the ground and shitting on it and dumping it at the location of your choice.
Email me at if you want to do the deal. I will sign a contract to insure my performance. Also if there are any other "STARS" that should offend you the pleasure would be all yours for the same nominal fee. For some stars I will perform a 2 for one special.
Todd Mc-----

2:33 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you better post the photos you recieve! Can't wait.

4:23 PM

Anonymous Shawn said...

I can't believe you only have 14 comments. That shows how few people watch Celebrity Justice, eh?

Anyway, something about poop and Seacrest and how he deserves it and how I agree. The end.

10:50 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Incredible. Bravo Assistant/Atlas.

11:59 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Why the hell does he have a star in the first place?"
Sorry folks, you need only pay a publicist to pay the Hollywood Walk of Fame commitee in order to get a star.
I wish I wasn't uncomfortable pooping in public though leaving a pile of poop on the street isn't cool.

7:30 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha ha ha lmao.My co workers and i have all agreed to polifirate,(pooop) together all at setting on the golder star.There are 63 of us in all i think someone will get the message.Lmao

11:18 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

all of you lame ass motherfuckers need to get off of the computer and go by some fuckin dro from yo dealer you bitch ass niggaz

3:28 PM

Anonymous Batrabbit said...

Do I get bonus points if Ryan Seacrest is actually there to see me poop on his star?

5:42 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

/\Do it.

1:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO... I wish I had the runs to help you out. He is an ass, which is the point right. Too funny.

1:01 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So has anyone done this yet? I know this contest started a long time ago, and I heard something about Ryan Seacrest was suing this site. What's the deal? If I lived in Cali, I'd diarreah on his star. Anyone who wants to do this just has to get someone else to cause a distraction first. Get it done. I hate that midget.

5:29 PM

Anonymous hairybackguy said...

Because of constipation it would be too risky for me to do this. Laxitives don't work anymore. Fecal impaction eminent. Please say a prayer for me. Thanks.

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Blogger BTSO1001 said...

ANybody read "Ryan Seacrest is Famous" yet? Check it out, right up your alley, from what I see here! :)

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