Project Greenlight: Episode 1.24

While battling a wicked hangover on Sunday, I watched some episodes of Project Greenlight and all I have to say is whatever happened to showing only attractive people on television?

Just kidding.

To be honest, even though I work in 'the industry', I haven't really been on many sets. In fact, I've only really been fully 'on' two, and one of them was for a film I shot in high school. So there is a sort of vicarious thrill for me in seeing people doing things on an actual set. So in that respect, at least, Project Greenlight is pretty interesting. And of course, there's the requisite drama that comes with making a movie with the added bonus of having someone in charge who has no idea what he's doing.

But let's get honest, people. What on earth is going on with this movie? Let's start with the script. Who names their characters "Hero" and "Heroine"? I don't care if the characters are unnamed and those are just their pseudonyms. It's still retarded [with apologies to the mentally disabled who normally give 'retarded' a good name]. And they've got characters doing cheeseball riffs on some of cinema's classic lines [forcing Balthazar Getty to do fake DeNiro was just painful to watch]. What I want to know is what drugs the judges were smoking when they selected that 'winner'.

And what is up with the actors? Specifically, what is up with Krista Allen? Granted, the entire 'bra continuity' problem was pretty funny and she does have that flirty personality that can make actresses so endearing. But come on, the girl looks like an adult video star and her acting is barely a step above that. And Clu Gulager? I know that putting your father in your movie might seem like a good idea, but I think we all regret that decision now. His tirades embarrassed me, and I was just sitting on my couch. His behavior just lends support to my proposal that we immediately ship all old people out of Los Angeles to Florida [more on that later this week].

Of course, some of this may be the fault of the casting director-- Michelle Morris-Gertz. She has got to be one of the worst casting directors, ever. She managed to insert Navi Rawat [who, granted, isn't normally a bad actress] into the cast over nearly everyone's objection and despite her horrific [oh God was she bad!] tape. Why would Michelle do this? Because she and Navi have a 'personal relationship'. Well guess what sweetie-- this is called nepotism and in a just world, it would get you fired. Now, Michelle, let me explain nepotism to you because I'm not sure you're quite clear on the concept. Nepotism is when you reward inferior performances because of a personal like for someone. Granted, most times it happens with family members [remember Clu Gulager?] but as you've shown, it doesn't have to. Michelle, you deserve to be called some very nasty names, but as I'm trying to get declared un-offensive, I will refrain.

And finally, director John Gulager. I don't even know where to start. The man has the charisma of a dead cat. He comes across as a pansy schoolboy at times [with apologies to all of the highly competent and skilled pansies out there] as a bull-headed whiner at others. He doesn't seem to have some sort of grand vision that I've been able to spot. And he's made it very clear why people like me are assistants-- it's because we're putting in our time so that when we get into a position of power, we'll have the experience to know what we're dong. Sure, Project Greenlight seems to have a noble aim-- at its root, it's about giving people a chance. But it's really making a mockery of all the hard work people like me do and the crap we go through as industryites in order to learn and understand the business and art of media-making. So thanks a lot, Project Greenlight, for making my life that much less meaningful.