Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Hiltons Celeb-u-pimp High Society: 2.13

I just caught the tail end of "So You Wanna Be a Hilton?" or whatever the heck they gave that show for a name. I can't believe I watched it, but, yeah, I'm a little drunk. Gimme a break, it was a tough day at the office. I deserve a martini, observe:

Atlas: "Hey, the guy from _____ [Paramount shingle-- too nice to be Asstastic] called again about "Lame Family Script X", what should I tell him is its status?"
Sloane: "Tell _______ that he can take a dump in my hat for all I care."

[Atlas thinks Hey, if you took that hat to Hollywood & Highland, you could make fifty bucks.]

Sloane: "Atlas, I should be tanner, shouldn't I?"

[You're sixtysomething, you don't get tan, you get leathery]

Sloane: "So this Mos Def, he's a rapper?"
Atlas: "Yes he is. I actually studied his album 'Black On Both Sides' in college."
Sloane: "What? What class was that in-- Urban Justice?"

[Atlas realizes as he writes this that it's all about context. In this context, it was so blatantly racist I was dumbfounded on how to approach debunking his misconceptions. But imagine this as a conversation between two black people and it would seem fine, well, except for the fact that every black person I've ever met knows Mos Def is a fantastically talented hip-hop artist. Other than that, totally plausibly okay, right? If you'd heard Sloane, you'd know that Urban Justice wasn't a class that discussed racism so much as one that perpetuated it through faulty mechanisms in the criminal justice system.]

So I came home and had some dinner and then started throwing back the cocktails. I'm having one right now. Mmmmm....

Okay, back to the Hilton Mom Reality Show, it was pretty much like I thought it would be, except that Kathy Hilton is even more tightly controlled than I thought she would be. It's okay for small doses at present, but if that show's gonna breathe, this old-school Martha's gonna have to give it a little room.

I know it's How to Be a Hilton or whatever, but every great showwoman should have a sidekick and/or flunky. Paris always played by that rule and when the sisters were together in their Page Six days, they had each other.

I don't know if Kathy has sisters, but I vote for Perez Hilton to be the wacky sister if she doesn't. I know the show is probably done taping or whatever, but she needs a sidekick in the worst way-- or a flunky. Preferably both. She should actually probably have three friends to give her advice, just like every woman does. Then they could collectively decide the one person to let into their posse, just like women do in real life. Only this time, the person let into the posse gets a cut of someone's inheritance.

I'm just realizing something about the Hiltons. With Paris' recent decision to leave the headlines, Cathy's present reality venture and Nicky's inevitable fashion line, the Hiltons are a true celebri-family. Just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

But the more important thing about the Hiltons is that they marry old-school, monied 'society' with modern celebrity. It's quite brilliant, actually. The society pages are on the decline, but celebrity blogs can watch their traffic soar. The Hiltons have moved from old money 20th to newly fresh 21st, and they bring a high society cred.

Sorry, Mom, we can't be on your reality show, because we have this new one where it's like, me and Nicky, and we hump this cow.


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