Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Six Things You Shouldn't Ask Your Assistant: 2.11

Today's post gets right to the heart of the mission of Assistant Atlas-- restoring human decency to entertainment employers and their oft-put-upon employees. So in that spirit, I present to you these rules.

Rules for Assistants: [aka- Things You Should Not Ask Your Assistant To Do, But Probably Will Anyway, You Soulless Bastard-person]:

1) Do not ask us to obtain illegal narcotics– of ANY kind, be they prescription pills or yayo or the black dragon or whatever silly name they have for heroin now. Just don’t do it. Don’t ask for it, don’t use it. Contrary to popular opinion, a drug habit does not necessarily lead to success.

2) Clean up any of the following things the assistant was not directly responsible for causing: vomit, poop, urine, Tara Reid.

3) End a romantic relationship for you [in person]. However, as your assistant, I’m more than happy to edit any Dear John or Dear Jane letters if that’s what it takes.

4) Date anyone “In the Line of Duty”. This includes inducements to monitor/flirt a la Jeremy Piven’s speech to Samaire Armstrong about strapping on a helmet and going to war for a client. While we’re on the subject, isn’t Jeremy Piven really the only reason to watch Entourage?

5) This should go without saying, but sadly, I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention it. Sexual harassment is against the law. As is asking your assistant to sleep with you, your spouse, you and your spouse in a threesome, your gardener or your son.

6) This one’s for me: Don’t ask me to babysit your children. Partially because they are usually evil, like you. But mostly because I’m afraid they’ll die under my care and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. If you had had a clause that includes child care in the hiring contract, well, I wouldn’t have signed it.

See, that's it. Six simple rules for having an assistant. They're not hard to obey. So do it. Obey.


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