The TomKat fiasco: 2.07

"HELP ME!"


We've all seen the herpes pictures. We've all marveled over the couple's Oprah appearance. We've all delighted in the Shields-Cruise psychiatric medicine mudfight. And we all know that Katie Holmes is being totally honest when she attacks the press for doubting their love, in that half-Scientology-doublespeak-half-Dawson's-Creek speech: "I couldn't be happier. I'm so happy. He's the most amazing man in the whole world."

And now there's an interview that shows just how brainwashed Katie has become.

And here's a recent one via Perez Hilton about Katie's new brainwashing advisor AND Best Friend Forever!

Of course you're happy, Katie, he's Tom Cruise. You're dating a megastar, darlin'. I mean, your previous honey was Chris Klein--plucked from Nebraska to moon his mug all over that silver screen until he was used up and spit out [like, right now]. Tom Cruise he ain't.

Sorry, Katie. Thing is, it doesn't matter if you're really in love or not. I officially don't care anymore. Both of you have used up valuable tabloid gossip space with your obvious fauxmance. A fauxmance, readers, is a publicity-driven stunt hookup writ large. But since I'm describing TomKat, you probably already knew that.

See, TomKat, you guys have been strutting your collective hotness for the paparazzi. Celebrity couples, with their perfect lives and perfect loves, is not just annoying, but induces actual rage deep within me. TomKat is so blatantly manufactured, so outrageously sigh-worthy, that I just want it to stop. And with them, I hope all celebrity couples will angle for a lower profile, because I just can't handle them anymore.

Except for Brad and Angelina. That sh*t is hot.