Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Note to Jennifer Garner, STOP IT!

Sorry, I meant to post this yesterday, but it was all Famke's fault. Apparently blogging is distracting me from my boyfriend duties. Ahem. . .

First, in assistant news. . . Defamer reports Paradigm gave their assistants a barbeque, and they continue to spread the rumor, still TOTALLY UNCONFIRMED anywhere else, that ICM is on the block. The chopping block, that is. Or the sales block, or whatever.

Editor Mark Lisanti of , the Ho'wood branch of , needs to realize that he is freaking people out with these ICM buyout rumors. You had better know something we don't. Or you had better know which random email rumor-mongers to accept as gospel. Because seriously, Mark, as much as you like to play around with your site, you have the power to affect people's lives. Like mine. Okay, enough. Now, on with the fun, pointless crap:

Dear ,

Really, we get it. We know you're a grounded, normal person, not your typical 'celebrity'. You can have the 'America's Sweetheart' crown if you want it. But you have to do one thing for me, Ms. Garner.

Stop grocery shopping. And while you're at it, stop getting photographed doing anything that's a remotely reasonably task that a normal human being [read: non-celebrity] does. This includes, but is not limited to: cleaning anything, driving, walking your dog, and going shopping. Especially while pregnant! Jesus. . .

The thing is, Jen [can I call you, Jen?], you'll convince other celebrities that they can do the same thing. And if celebrities start doing things for themselves, we're going to have EVEN MORE out-of-work assistants. And right now, that is something the LA labor market simply cannot bear. So, please, Jen, have some celebrity self-respect and make your assistants do everything. Please?

Signing autographs is acceptable celebrity behavior--and working on Alias. Let your people do the rest, 'kay?

While we're on the topic. . .
or spoilers anyone? I love spoilers, especially for JJ Abrams shows. Especially if they're totally not true. Comment away. While we're on the subject:

I love you, JJ Abrams. Won't you take me away from all this pain and suffering and make me your assistant? I promise to sprinkle rose petals at your feet, worship any ground you've walked upon and make your coffee just the way you like it.

Please JJ, I'll be your b*tch-- and I'll like it.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww, poor Atlas. You must be hard up to strike out at Jennifer Garner. Let a pregnant woman get her own damn BonBons. Besides, you know when she's in the store, she's wandering the aisles getting cravings for the most random things. I dunno, I think pregnant celebrities should be allowed to do whatever. Except carry Kevin Federline's child. That should be strictly verboten.

3:28 PM

Blogger CharlieDontSurf said...

One of the main female cast members dies during holiday sweeps...this is fact but as to who...who knows
It's either
Michelle Rodriquez doesn't count.

Has to stay because Jin still hasn't mastered any other words besides "Boa"t, "Doctor", "Baby", and "Get your negro hands off my women". She has to stay to either teach Jin english or translate for him.

Who would take care of the baby? Plus wouldn't the pschic have seen that she dies if he sends her to the island?
Also...though unconfirmed..supposedly when the cast member found out they would be coming back in season 2 only to be killed, they got pisssed and demanded to be paid for the entire season. Emily De Ravin flies out from LA to shoot her scenes...she doesn't live in if that rumor is true then it's not her.

She is one of the main stars...but her character development has kind of gone down the tubes.
IF they really want to make a big splash..they would kill Kate...but they won't have the balls.

The obvious choice....and last time they went with the obvious choice. After her brother's death she went psycho for one episode and then got over it. Sayid must be really good in the sack cuz she even seems relaxed enough to co-exist with Locke.
The whole incest storyline turned off a lot of people, and you know a lot of southern republican viewers can't be happy that she's sleeping with the enemy.

The obvious choice is...Shannon dies a month or two into Season 2.
The shocker is Kate dies
And the wild card is Charlie somehow kills Claire due to the red herring of him keeping some of the heroin from the plane.

4:18 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Atlas, you're a B-List blogebrity now. B-List, baby! Check out the list. . .

4:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

C'mon A/A...We gotta pick one, we either we want our celebs to be whiny little bitches, who are high strung and completely incapable of thinking for themselves, who think they DESERVE a free ipod for even glancing your way - or we want them to be down to earth, and thankful every loving day that the american public is just a bunch of suckers who's only wish in life is that the concession stand would carry a larger size than 64 oz to hold their Pepsi in.

Now which is it? Oh and yea preg celebs can do quirky things like shop for themselves. Hormones man, hormones.

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