Warning: Drunken, Vaguely Political Rant Ahead: 2.44

But first, this sober stuff:

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY! The Whisper Price Game is coming up later today! Yay! Today's topic: 'Indie Darlings'. I can't wait-- I'm probably scouring the Internet for the perfect pictures at this exact moment.

I've also been deluged by emails, so if it takes me awhile to get back to you, sorry, I'm trying. Trying to get together a global frequency is tough, but Aleph at least had some good training.

Now if you'll remember, I've given up drunken blogging after the whole Todd/Seth (Spawn/Family Guy creators respectively) "Hot Toddy" nickname fiasco, which I still feel bad about. So no drunken blogging. [I'm unemployed though, so I can't give up drinking]

But I still enjoy writing when I'm nice and wasted, and sometimes, you just can't stop me-- EVEN WITH ENTREATIES OF LEWD, DRUNKEN SEX. Yes, folks, you read that correctly. I'm such a dedicated writer, that I, a young man in the 21st century, can resist the alcohol-fueled urge to have sex with a beautiful woman. And it has now happened more than once in my lifetime. If you want proof that I'm at least a dedicated writer, there you go. Oh--hey, and proof I'm a good lover, right? I get sex entreaties!
Atlas gets lewd sex entreaties!

Obviously, it was something I had to feel strongly about to pass up hot lovin'. I still do feel strongly about Global Frequency, of course, but it's so much drier and not as funny as my drunken rants usually are [especially since I had to edit out the part about Sloane's wife--just kiddin' Sloane, keeping you on your toes]. But since I resisted the urge to have sex to write it, I kinda feel like I should at least share, ya know?

It's all about how revolutionary the Global Frequency franchise could be. It's been sober-edited by me, so it should be safe for consumption.

Now, on to the drunkenness:
*Please note that the following was written while drunk and does not represent the sober opinions of Assistant/Atlas, should such a person even exist.*
Where is my hand around Paris?
Let's just say it's near London.

Title: "I Will F*ck You, WB network, You and Your Whole Stinking Business Model"

Would this argument hold up in the Supreme Court? Get on the Global Frequency, Scalia.

I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm not taking it from Sloane and I'm willing to fear the wrath of the WB because the Global Frequency pilot was, in my view, thrown in the proverbial circular file by them. Therefore, since the WB never intended on putting it to market, it should have become fair game because they passed on it. You can take things out of the garbage and nobody complains.

Courts are not tech-savvy, our government sucks and we're all suffering because of it. But you knew that. But what you may not know is that eventually, we are going to win. The Global Frequency, I mean.

Lacking a way to actually see or even purchase the material, people turned to technology and unleashed what has become a global phenomenon. If you'd just done the show with that great team in the first place, all of this could've been avoided.

F*ck you, WB. You screwed this up originally by not picking up what was obviously a superior show to some of the ones you did. You're actively screwing this up as we speak. Well, maybe not. Maybe you're considering bringing back Global Frequency, but don't want to overshadow any of your other shows. Except that it's summer-- there aren't any new shows! And you can distract people from your stunning Emmy nomination spanking. Sending out feelers, at least, about GF (like the possibility of getting Michelle Forbes and Aimee Garcia back) would give geeks hope, spread around the word so that by the time it appears next summer or fall, you've got some sweet buzz behind it. And you get to be a trend-setter, WB, wouldn't that be nice? And hello, if you re-shoot the pilot and do 12-13 episodes you could make a pretty penny of that sh*t in a box on DVD. Mmmm. . . DVD revenue. You like that, WB, don't you? You want it bad, badder than you wanna hump my avatar all the way to the bank.

But otherwise, WB, I am going to f*ck you up. I mean it, WB network, I know you don't think I can. Well, you're right. But this David is aiming a stone for your Goliath nutsack.

The Global Frequency can find a new home--F/X, SciFi, any network that wants to step up its syndicated global distribution.

You see, in the process of backing the Global Frequency, in talking with newly-anointed C-List Blogebrity John Rogers and others, I learned something. I learned that I don't need you. That's right, that goes for all of you networks-- I'm going to start making you irrelevant. Unless you give me what I want, I'm going to go on the Internet and find it myself--probably without ever paying you.

Yeah, it'll totally destroy the entertainment industry's revenues and then me and thousands of good people like me in Los Angeles would be out of work. . . okay, maybe dozens of good people, lots of stupid f*cks I could give a sh*t about-- but hey, some good ones.

You can call it rampant piracy, but you just aren't smart enough to stop it. Even the geeks you hire can't outwit an entire Global Frequency. It's a type of fourth-generation media, to borrow John Rogers' terminology [which he himself got from another source], and it doesn't involve you. Put simply, it involves content-makers having their own distribution channels [read: Internet & DVDs] and going direct to pop culture consumers with their products.

Like bloggers already do. Every, single day. And now they get some media coverage. Well, except for us useless anonymous ones like me. So that's it, WB. F*ck you.

* END OF DRUNKEN BLOGGING *

See, aren't you glad I scaled that one back and edited it? Trust me when I say it was worse-- and wordier.