Why I Blog, Why I Assist: 2.41

Aka: Why do I Blog and Why I Do I Want to Be Satan's Bitch and/or Assistant?

I got an email from Mark Lisanti, editor of Defamer, who seems to have heard of me now, and he displayed a healthy curiosity at my level of truth. It got me thinking, frankly, something that I have plenty of time to do, now that I'm drinking alone in my apartment.

It made me question my own truth. Well, that and the alcohol.

Not in that stupid New-Age way, but am I really worth something-- do I have what it takes to be what I wanna be? I mean, I know I want to be the next JJ Abrams or Joss Whedon or whatnot. Really, truly, I want to be a production entity. Even a Bruckheimer or Burnett, [but, um, obviously, cooler...]

So why God why would I work for an evil corporate agency? It's not an easy answer. There are other things I could do, boutique agencies (been there, done that, look how it turned out below) or working as a waiter by day and screenwriting at night until my big break (which I feel like would waste the 'career' part of my life).

Here's the thing: Big Agency assistant desks are widely acknowledged to be Hollywood's grad school/finishing school for development execs/script packagers/literary agents. You suffer through years of Hell to emerge, soulless, and insane with power at an important desk with clients whose work could mean something. I mean, that's why longtimers in the biz have such a reputation for insanity. I held it together for about a year-and-a-half under Sloane without becoming too terribly tainted, I think.

But three years at Shark Agency (at which time I might land a development job)? There's no way I could survive with my humanity intact. Or is there?

Ultimately, I say f*ck it. Somebody has to do it. And I know in my heart that the other options are running away, and with my newly-steeled backbone, I'm not going to be afraid of psychotic agents. Well, not enough to not pursue my dreams at any rate.

And the other question: Why do I blog? I've compiled a helpful list.

1) To Help me. I need to write.
2) To Help push the light of the English language a bit further against the darkness.* Use Wikipedia.
3) To Help assistants laugh in the face of insanity.
4) To Help me me have fun by stirring up sh*t as a totally anonymous blogger personage.
5) To Help me keep ahead of the curve technology-wise. I don't know what your expectations were, but so far, it's been mission accomplished after mission accomplished for me. Oh, and who let Microsoft get an out-of-control monopoly that is to blame for the crappy Windows operating system? Thanks, Baby Boomers, another great thing to inherit. Thank God we're getting away from them, slowly but surely.
6) To Help me get pu$$y. That's far longer than I thought I could hold out on that one. I do currently, however, have a hot girlfriend with a rockin' ass and that is more than enough for me right now. That gets a Quagmire 'Allriiiight." Judges, do we have a spelling on this? Seth MacFarlane's assistant? You out there? No? Just checking. On #6, though, it's more mission accomplished.
Note to Self: Reach out to Seth MacFarlane's assistant. Oh hey, make sure you name-check Seth MacFarlane, McFarlane, McFarsyFars, like forty times. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy. Family's Seth MacFarlane. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy, aaaaaahhh, the internet is chasing you!
7) To Help right wrongs. You know I was gonna follow up the 'cat' one with something noble. But I do have strong sense of comsic justice in many ways.
8) To Help my writing get noticed. Based on page views, let's just say I could sell out a small print run if even half of the people who've read my blog would plunk down perhaps $15 for a 225-page paperback with cool black-and-white photos and extra materials, right?
9) To Help prove that most 24-year-olds aren't totally deficient, even if our jobs require us to be.
10) To Help wake up people's senses to new things, to open minds--and to do it through humor.
11) To Help restore my soul. See also, the ones regarding writing.
12) To Help me waste time productively. See also, writing.
13) To Help do my little part to MAKE AMERICA GREAT! (Cue Flag, Cue Chad, Commence patriotic flag-waving with wife/co-star Sophia Bush-Michael-Murray from step of Capitol building)


*Hi kids, #2 above was paraphrased, but said by E.M. Forster of Virginia Woolf. Remember them? Try harder.


What I really want this blog to be:
Wild and woolly. Thick and hairy f*cking democracy.
The homepage of all assistants in Los Angeles.
*bam*
There, I said it. The first step in my evil plan to take over the world. Seriously, though, I'm kidding about that. This is at least step 7,432 in my evil plan to take over the world. More kidding. I am a creature that radiates goodness and light and progress and reform and fun. I am all that is holy.

And as my friend likes to say, "Jesus was a Kansan."