Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Suck It Sloane, I have TESTIMONIALS: 2.40

Recently, it has come to my attention that I have been downsized/fired/quit. (see post below-- you might want to do that first, actually, it's quite important. Simply scroll down past the picture of Topher Grace, then Kathy Griffin and then begin reading "How Blogging Saved My Career". Thanks!)

During the conversation that resulted in my firing, I was accused of being a horrible, horrible person with absolutely no redeeming qualities, except possibly for my "hot assistant c*ck".

Well you know what? These people think I have redeeming qualities. They say nice things about me-- and some of them have significantly more Ho'wood clout than Sloane. (well, okay, a few of them)

John Rogers, writer for The Cosby Show, screenwriter of The Core and the upcoming Michael Bay-helmed Transformers:
"You sir, amuse the sh*t out of me."
AND
"Global Frequency cracked the top 10 links on Technorati today, or so they tell me as I was tour-guiding newbies around the nerd prom. No doubt thanks to the recent pimpage from the excellent Assistant/Atlas, who peels back Hollywood's rancid onion layers from the assistant's point of view -- I am now haunted by the idea that when I call someone, it is he who is answering."

Comedienne Kathy Griffin said:
"Well, I have to say, you're doing God's work," as she checked out my package.

Tiffany A. Stone of Breakfast at Tiffany's writes:
"Your blog has come along very nicely. Hope you will do a guest blog for me someday soon. . . Anyway, your blog has become one of my favorites. Cheers, Tiffany"
And you can find that guest blog right here.

Michael K of D-Listed says:
"I read your blog and I absolutely love it! It's very rare that I read blogs, I usually just sort through the pictures. But I decided to read one of your entries and then one led me to another and another. It's hilarious and I hope you get a book deal out of this sh*t. It would make for a really hot TV show. I'm already seeing Topher Grace as Atlas."

Topher doesn't need the work, butFreddie Prinze, Jr. is desperate for a hit show!

Gwenn Stroman of Flower Films (that's Drew Barrymore's company for you starf*ckers) penned this:
Dear Assistant/Atlas,
I just arrived home from a yummy dinner, thinking my day could not have been better. How wrong I was! My stepmother, who lives in Northern California, forwarded your link to me. Pretty random. [she'd discovered she's the first-ever Executive of the Week]
I want to thank you for the wonderful honor. Nobody ever says anything nice about anybody anymore, certainly not behind their back! I feel very proud. (Not to mention grateful to have someplace to write nice things
about myself in an anonymous format...)
Bragging rights are so hard to come by, I'm in! I promise to do my best to live up to this important title.
Respectfully,
Gratefully,
Shamelessly,
Gwenn Stroman

Tech-savvy actress Jessica Mae Stover chimes in:
Nice site. Accordingly, I will reward you with some Ninja respect.
Use it wisely.
Awesomely,
~Jessica Mae Stover

Ryan Colucci of Snoot Entertainment wrote me he was:
". . . compelled to go through and read all of your posts. Good stuff. Your boss sucks, huh? I don't think I'd be able to talk down to someone without breaking out into a laugh." Hey, Ryan, need an assistant?

Then there's Disney's Jesus Di Sica, whom I don't know at all, but sent this:
Atlas, What up, brother? Thanks for all the hard work you put into entertaining us with yo’ blawg!
If you will be in town Sunday* night, you are welcome to drop by my b-day party at 9pm at the Spider Room above Avalon (feel free to bring friends). *please note: this was from awhile ago, there's no b-day party at the Spider Room Sunday that is sponsored or condoned by Assistant Atlas. But I do like drinking and am happy to accept further invitations. Thanks, Jesus.

Grace of "Life According to Princess Grace" commented:
"That was great, when I read this, I spit my water all over my keyboard. Luckily, I just gave my two weeks notice and I don't give a sh*t about their piece of sh*t HP keyboard."
I must admit that I appreciate this comment so much more now.

A random email writer named Mike:
"Hi. I'm a reformed, ex-agent trainee. It's been some years since I worked in Hollywood, but I decided to do
some googling to see if things have changed there. It seems to be pretty much the same. I wanted to make in
that business with a passion, until I realized that the most sociopathic people become the most successful. That business kind of reminds me of the scene in "Animal House", where members of the snob fraternity are bending over in their underwear, getting paddled while shouting, "Thank you sir, may I please have another". Seems to be that many of the more well-adjusted people are the ones who pack their bags and head back to Kansas. Would have been nice if sane people ran the film biz."

You know, sometimes, you just need a little validation.
Feel free to add to your own validation to my comments section.

And please, to the West Coast Media Establishment please don't Jolie in NYC me. At least not until my screenplay's done. It's coming along quite nicely now that I'm unemployed and angry, though. But remember, if you pursue this story, it could lead to widespread discrimination against Chad-Michael-Murray-looking assistants at all the big agencies. And us assistant types are beleaguered enough, even those of us who vaguely resemble a "One Tree Hill" star.


Thanks, Kathy! [*wink*]

10 Comments:

Blogger SpaceMonkey said...

I just found your blog today via the query letters I love.com blog.

Great stuff. Very amusing.

Do you have a new job lined up yet?

1:00 PM

 
Blogger Alex Epstein said...

But what was the conversation that resulted in your firing, babe?

4:51 PM

 
Blogger 'Thought & Humor' said...

We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But I'm having a whale of a time!

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose. A
time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Howdy
Editor
http://ilovehowdy.blogspot.com/

P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
that the common culture of my youth
is gone for good. It was hollowed out
by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
then splintered beyond hope of repair
by the emergence of the web-based
technologies that so maximized and
facilitated cultural choice as to make
the broad-based offerings of the old
mass media look bland and unchallenging
by comparison."

'Thought & Humor' by Howdy
http://ilovehowdy.blogspot.com/
CyberHumor, CyberThought
CyberRiddles for your divertissement!!!

5:25 PM

 
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Egh, Thought & Humor. There's a reason you're not on my blogroll. You're boring as hell. And if you post those stupid lyrics again, I'm deleting your comments. That's that. Atlas sighs. The world feels very heavy right now. I'm just trying to do right, people, I swear it. Don't hate me right now. I'm sorry to everyone, except 'Thought & Humor'.

6:55 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you do get a tv show/book deal out of this. If you sold a book with even more dirt, I'd totally buy it.

10:01 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's already a shitty 'stuck in the assistant world' book out there. It is called "Wannabe" and it's about this cheesedick who gives up on Hollywood cause he couldn't hack it.

People like to say stuff like 'hollywood is full of assholes' or 'these people all suck.' The truth is - they didn't have the gumption or the pure love of what they were doing from the onset. I for one am glad this town chews people like that up. Maybe more nitwits who came here to hang out with movie stars and make a small fortune cause they thought it would be cool will just kill themselves.

That said - Atlas, don't give up like that pussy from 'Wannabe.'

9:30 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's already a shitty 'stuck in the assistant world' book out there. It is called "Wannabe" and it's about this cheesedick who gives up on Hollywood cause he couldn't hack it.

People like to say stuff like 'hollywood is full of assholes' or 'these people all suck.' The truth is - they didn't have the gumption or the pure love of what they were doing from the onset. I for one am glad this town chews people like that up. Maybe more nitwits who came here to hang out with movie stars and make a small fortune cause they thought it would be cool will just kill themselves.

That said - Atlas, don't give up like that pussy from 'Wannabe.'

9:30 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm..well, sometimes a job, career, etc. might not be a good fit for certain people. For example, someone who tends to be an introvert would have a hard time climbing to the top of show business, since excessive networking, schmoozing, being an extrovert, and dealing with overly difficult people could be particularly painful for them. Many writer types, for example, wouldn't be a good fit as an agent, executive or producer. I believe that there are so many people who leave assistant postions to write, or do whatever else, because they realize they just aren't the hyper-extrovert they need to be. And I guess some write of the craziness and exploits of show business because it makes for an entertaining read. It has all the elements of good drama.

2:11 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow Atlas, have you gone and hit the big time on me? Those are some pretty decent testimonials. Hopefully when Sloane read them he crapped his pants and now feels compelled to wear an adult diaper.

Oh come on, adult diapers are funny!

9:55 AM

 
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1:55 AM

 

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