Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

How Blogging Saved My Career: 2.39

This the post you've been waiting for. . .
Today was the day. Today was the day when I had more than I could stand. Today, I burned my personal Initech to the ground, I set my SD-6 ablaze.

Today, I left Sloane.


I know that the only joy in your life is me--torturing me.
But now you can sh*t in my hat.


The day started normal enough, I guess. Worked through a hangover-- some various calls, updating records, trying to make stuff happen, emailing/faxing my resume around. The usual. I went out to lunch early (yet another surreptitious interview with a Big agency) and came back not too late, when Maggie says: "Sloane wants to talk to you." Off my look, she adds, "I don't know, something's up, though."

Atlas: "You didn't tell him about the blog, did you?"
Maggie: "God no. But he's being weird." Sloane being 'weird' is never a good sign. So I headed for his office, expecting a first order shout-out-- and not the praising/acknowledging kind.

Sloane told me to take a seat. That's when I knew I was in trouble--the quiet fury in his voice. And then:

Sloane: "I know what you've been doing. It's my fault really, for not figuring it out sooner. Aliotta Fagina. It's just like that c*nt to want a hot little assistant pu$$y like you. You do know that's all she cares about, right? C*ck. She could give a sh*t about your 'career'."

Sloane swivels in his chair, remains calculatedly leaned back. My stomach feels like I'm on a roller coaster just before it plunges down that first big hill.

Sloane: "What I wanna know is what the f*ck do you think you're trying to do, Atlas? Without me, without my validating your work, without my recommendation, you're nothing. Do you hear me Atlas, nothing. I already put in a call to Fake Taryn Manning (Human Resources at XXX). I don't think she'll be calling you back."

Atlas: "You--what?"

Sloane: "You see, Atlas, I've worked in this biz since before you were born, and I can tell you that there are just two kinds of people in it-- the ones who screw and the ones who get screwed. And I don't get screwed, Atlas. And I hate when people try to screw me. So let me tell you what's going to happen. . ."

(My insides feel like they're melting)

Sloane continues: "You're not going to be working for XXX--you're not going to work at any of the big agencies. And I hate to be cliche, but you probably won't ever work in this town again. I'll tell you what you're going to do-- you're going to get a sh*tty job at Starbucks until you give up screenwriting and move the f*ck back to Kansas."

Sloane waits a few moments, trying to figure out if I'm going to cry. I'm sure he wants me to.

Sloane: "So that's it, Atlas, get out. And good luck trying to find another assistant gig."

I clench my jaw. And then, quietly:

"No."

Sloane seems to savor this: "What, Atlas, are you going to sit in my office until I decide to give you your job back?"

Atlas(evenly): "I don't want the job back, but. . . that's not the way it's going to happen."

Sloane folds his arms, smiles. Sloane: "And why is that?"

Atlas: "Because I'm Assistant/Atlas."

Sloane: "What the f*ck does that mean?"

Atlas: "It means that for the past four months, I've been writing an anonymous blog based on my experiences here. It has there, for everyone to see, all of your foibles, work-related and otherwise, including the part about how you're sleeping with Bubbles."

Sloane: "Where do you get off--"

Getting on a roll, I cut him off: "And it's popular, too, the blog--Celebrity Justice did a story on me and I did an interview with KROQ. I get thousands of visitors a day, emails from all over the world and all sorts of Hollywood players have seen it. People can't get enough of my dealing with your psychosis. The thing is, right now, you're anonymous. But if you try to kill my career, I will kill yours by telling the world what you've done to me, but, essentially, everything you've done to everyone. And I'll sell the goddammed book and it'll be made into a big, f*cking movie and Chad Michael F*cking Murray will play me and you'll just be a Hollywood joke, a little side note, the evil inspiration for a stunningly good new writer. And trust me when I say there's enough in there to make you more than radioactive."

Sloane: "You actually think that would work?" (Sloane's trying to be threatening, but now he's not talking to me, he's talking to Assistant/Atlas, and I feel like I could eat him for breakfast)

Atlas: "Well, if that doesn't, then telling your wife where I found Bubbles' panties might."

Sloane: "What the fu-?!?"

Atlas: "Or telling Fagtastic Benny about the nickname you gave him. Look, Sloane, it doesn't have to go like this. We can both restrain ourselves and neither of us has to go nuclear. Here's the deal: You give me a decent recommendation--like you should do anyway-- and I won't tell the world all about your. . . foibles. I leave, you get a new assistant, and we're both happy."

Sloane: "On this site you have, Assistant Whatever, what were you saying about me?"

Atlas: "The truth, mostly. I de-contextualized some stuff to make it funnier, but for the past few months, I've pretty much been writing about all the f*cked-up sh*t that happens around here."

Sloane: "And people think it's funny?"

Atlas: "Actually, your pseudonym is Sloane, like from Alias, and people can't get enough of you. Somebody wrote me that you were the coolest villain since the real Sloane. They all wanted me to keep working here so they could get more Sloane stories."

Sloane: "I'm the villain?"

Atlas: "What, you thought you'd be the hero? You once told me that you would rape Gail Berman with a broomstick if you could get away with it. Look, I'll write it down if you want. But, please, let's just make a deal. I won't tell anyone, you won't tell anyone, I say it was an amicable parting and you don't badmouth me to the rest of the Big Six--and we both survive this with our careers intact."

Sloane looks me up and down-- seeing me in perhaps a new light.

Sloane: "Fine. You've got a deal. Now get the f*ck out."

As I turn and walk out of the office, I'm smiling.



My personal SD-6 burns to the ground with that clown still in there.

21 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, good Lord in Heaven blessing all that is holy, just and above all, satisfying.

Your blog is by far one of the best reads out there.

Betcha Sloane is all Googling Assistant/Atlas right now.

5:51 PM

 
Anonymous the_plot_thickens said...

Your blog saves your career.
This girl's gets her fired. . .
. . .but maybe a book deal.
There could be something to blogging, after all.

GREAT F*CKING POST, by the way. Seriously. Great.

6:43 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe now's the time to just up and join the Global Frequency. I bet if they brought the show back, they'd totally give you a job since your its official Hollywood assistant pimp.

And way to totally kick a$$, too.

6:46 PM

 
Anonymous Enrique said...

Someone above mentioned that your ex-boss might be Googling Assistant/Atlas... if he's anything like one of MY ex-bosses... he probably ain't spelling it right :P

7:29 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, nice. See, this is why I read blogs.

By the way, Bozo the Clown must've fallen on hard times. His house looks like it was a POS before the fire.

8:26 PM

 
Blogger Shelley123 said...

Good for you, Atlas. I've been in that situation myself a few times so I can tell you it does make you a stronger, more resilient person.

Sure, you may want to program your computer to delete your boss's Holiday Card List in October, or change their business address to a traveling circus, or fax their bonus check stub to their ex-wife's divorce attorney, but never let these idiots succeed in making you doubt who you are and what you are capable of.

Legal Disclaimer: Please note that the above retaliations are only used for like illustration purposes and are not like anything I know anything about. K?

Did you manage to blackma...err..negotiate for at least three months of health/dental insurance before COBRA kicks in?

9:19 PM

 
Blogger Cardinal Biggles said...

As someone who's worked in the hell hole that is the agency, I soooo sympathize. I only wish I could have have gone out so well. I only knew I was going to be fired a month before it happened, and got another job before they sacked me, so I got severence, etc. But I didn't get to tell them off what an asshole they were. Wish I could have.

When I was in grad school as USC, the best piece of knowlegde I got (most of it useless, mind you) was that any one arrogant enough to say "you'll never work in this town again!!!" clearly thought WAY too much of themselves. People who have pissed off Speilburg, Weinstein, and Eisner in the same day still have careers. Bully to you for your balls (or vagina... I'm new to this site and haven't read enough to know your sex).

Best of luck to you, and let me know if you need the UTA list!

10:43 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe you Fight Clubbed / American Beauty-ed your a$$ out of that company.

I thought that only happened in the movies.

It's a shame you're only going deeper into the lion's den... for you, that is. More entertainment for the rest of us.

7:32 AM

 
Blogger TheDirector said...

I just came across your blog and I must say, this is porbably one of the best blog posts I'v ever read! Blogs are full of people ranting about things they can't change, but you're changing your future by blogging. That's what sets appart the good blogs and the mediocre blogs.
Good job!

7:57 AM

 
Anonymous Brandon said...

A little bit off topic...

You dropped me from your Rolodex? Now that you are big time and pulling the power play on Sloane you have forgotten where you have come from! What? I'm not pretty enough for you! I guess I'm not cut out for Hollywood! I'll just move back to Kansas! Waaaahhhhhhh...*I run off crying uncontrolably*

Just kidding. I guess. *wipes a tear away*

10:25 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Christ. Somebody give this kid a desk at CAA and watch him take over the damn town-- which, frankly, would seem to be a good thing.

10:48 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You get ten bonus points for starting the post with an "Office Space" reference and then a hundred more for the line "What, you thought you'd be the hero? You once told me that you would rape Gail Berman with a broomstick if you could get away with it"-- which is not only very disturbing, but very funny. And there ain't too many people out there who can pull that off.

11:04 AM

 
Blogger EmployeeMegan said...

I'm just amazed that you were working somewhere that's WORSE than an agency...
;-)

11:12 AM

 
Blogger Grace said...

Nice Job Atlas. I couldn't be more prouder of you.

11:20 AM

 
Blogger Hbarr said...

Be careful about updating your blog when you land at one of the "big" agencies (if you keep it up). They're probably much more sophisticated about monitoring employee internet access than Sloane is.

Only do your blogging from home, and good luck.

11:40 AM

 
Blogger Jason B. said...

Right on! Right on! Right on!

11:51 AM

 
Blogger justin said...

Good news: Yay for you.
Bad news: Keep Sloane away from that big floating red ball thingy. I've heard it's bad news.

12:27 PM

 
Blogger econoclast said...

Proud of you, boy.

3:15 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has anyone else thought Bozo the clown is scary?

I'm sorry. I just thought it, and then I typed it.

5:54 PM

 
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Don't feel bad - if I had a dollar for every time someone told me I'd "never work in this town again", I'd never have to work in this town again.

10:18 PM

 
Blogger london cokehead said...

Go on my son !!

9:59 AM

 

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