Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

"Hollywood Momentum" Makes Me Sleepy: 3.10

To the good folks at "Hollywood Momentum",

Hi, I'm Atlas. In real life, I'm an assistant. And in real life and in the blogosphere, I'm done with you. I didn't like you in the first place and I don't like you now. And frankly, I had a lot of sympathy prepared for you, you that tries to make the life of the assistant a cause for celebration-- or at least a cause for something besides thinly-conceiled, blinding rage. After all, I think of myself as the anonymous assistant superhero SLASH b-list assistant blogebrity so it would be quite natural for me to root for you.

But right from the beginning, I was worried. Frankly, your website should look much more professional-- or at least, cooler. Currently, it looks like a talented 13-year-old with an iBook might have done better. Can't a group of super-assistants and editors and such at least hire a professional to make it look snazzy? I know I'm not one to talk, considering the relative fugliness of my site, but hey man, I'm a friggin' anonymous blogger. You're trying to be a lot more than that.

You're going for a market that's near and dear to me-- actually, it IS me. You're trolling for the assistants. They are a precious, demographically-desireable market, aren't they? With their disposable incomes and disproportionately high popular culture spending and influence, plus their precious youth, they're a marketing sweet spot, aren't they?

No, actually, I'm not. I'm tough-a$$ marketing target. I've seen approximately 20,000 commercials every year for the past, say, twenty-two years, which is nearly half a million commercials. And that's ads on television alone. So since I'm not completely penniless that means:
1) I have a modicum of self-control
2) I have, of necessity, developed a discerning nature when it comes to all media consumption

The point is, it's gonna take a lot more than some mediocre career advice and horrific-sound entry-level job posts to get and keep my attention. Okay, yes, you've got anecdotes and tools and stories and yawn. What were we talking about?

Ah, yes, Hollywood Momentum. Great title, by the way. What, was "Assistant Rantz" already taken or did that test a bit 'pre-teen' for your audience? Because I think we both know that the more appropriate title for a publication about assistants would be "Hollywood Precarious Toehold" or "Hollywood Foot in the Door That's Slamming Shut".

In conclusion, I hate you guys. And I wouldn't even care except that you're the only assistant-oriented publication out there. In a world where there's no where else to turn for credible assistant information, you Ho'wood Momentum folks have a mighty duty to a much-maligned group of people.

So stop sucking!


Blogger LTNA said...

Yeah, it took only a cursory glance at HM to realize that what could potentially be kind of cool and rewarding turned out to be a glorified over-hyped piece of total shite. Kind of like being an assistant. Hmmm... Maybe they're kind of brilliant (in an evil/ Buena Vista sort of way)?

11:23 AM

Blogger EmployeeMegan said...

oh atlas, this is soooo three weeks ago. ;-)

but obvs, agreed.

12:32 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fact that there is a site out there for assistants to bitch and complain is pathetic.

Its full of people who will only ever be assistants and move back to their crap towns and sell real estate.

1:20 PM

Anonymous star said...


i think ur blog is soooo entertaining.

wanna swap linkies?

12:30 AM

Blogger Nick Douglas said...

Ha, Atlas, sweet smackdown.

4:35 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

I must issue an apology to my dear Megan over at Overeducated and Underemployed. She should have been properly thanked as the inspiration for this 'sweet smackdown'. So please consider this my thank-you and my acknowledgment that you smacked them down deservingly first. I just followed in your footsteps-- but in my own shoes.

7:30 PM

Blogger EmployeeMegan said...

Oh, I tease, but thanks. The more on this train, the merrier.

11:07 AM

Anonymous escort roma said...

This won't actually have success, I think so.

11:44 PM

Anonymous posicionamiento en google said...

This cannot succeed in reality, that is exactly what I suppose.

11:48 PM


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