Atlas is a Comic Book Hero: 3.01
In this season opener, we continue from episode 2.50, the second season finale. You'll want to read that post before you read this latest one if you want it to make sense. If you've got Dadaist sensibilities, then just jump right in. [ps- i know this isn't correct screenplay format, but I swear it's blogger's fault, not mine]
EXT. CLIFF BELOW THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN - DAY
Atlas strains to hang onto both the bush that keeps him from falling 200 ft. and the tubby exec [Garth Ancier] weighing him down. Atlas GROANS with the effort.
Trim Spa Garth, it's all the rage.
Grip slipping, Atlas looks to his surroundings.
Garth-- there's a ledge.
Garth pees his pants.
Oh God! Don't let me go!
Garth, relax, I'm gonna swing you onto that ledge, but you have to help me.
The roots of the bush pull looser, showering Atlas with dirt and dangling both of them lower. The news chopper WHIRS in closer.
Maggie, Bubbles and Sloane are glued to the television in the former workplace of Assistant/Atlas.
Oh God, Atlas. Atlas. . .
Wait, who's that guy?
That's Garth Ancier, president of the WB.
BUBBLES (nods knowingly)
Ahh, the Peacock network.
Hey, did you guys ever think Atlas looks like Chad Michael Murray?
INT./EXT. FAMKE'S RANGE ROVER
Famke flips stations on her fancy dashboard, keeping one eye on the road as she weaves down Mulholland. It's one annoying, incendiary talk-radio dj after another.
Stupid satellite radio.
EXT. CLIFF BELOW THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN
Atlas attempts to swing Garth while he paws at Atlas' legs.
Don't let me die! Don't let me die!
You fat bastard, stop it! Swing onto the dang ledge!
The scrubby shrub that Atlas holds jerks looser, showering more dirt.
Atlas looks at Garth like he might have to let him go, then shakes his head.
Garth! GARTH! SWING FOR YOUR LIFE, YOU FAT SWEATY BASTARD!
Suddenly, the bush breaks free.
Sloane loans forward in his chair as Maggie and Bubbles GASP.
Sorry, folks, as per FCC regulations, we don't want to unnecessarily expose our younger viewers to graphic violence so we now return you to your regularly-scheduled program.
Are you effing kidding me?
EXT. CLIFF BELOW THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN
Garth and Atlas fall. But, defying gravity, they fall up. They float upward as the news chopper flies close and then veers away lower to film the spot where they would've fallen.
It is hard to tell who is more surprised by the anti-gravity, but just for good measure, Garth poops himself.
Atlas realizes they're soaring up and over the Hollywood Hills, gaining speed-- right in the direction that his fist [still clenching the scrub] is pointing.
Atlas sees the news chopper sweeping low for a hopeful corpse money shot behind them and can see the LAPD finally SIRENING off Mulholland toward the sign. Ahead of them, Famke's Range Rover SWERVES to a stop on the edge of the road and she bolts from her car. Seeing the flying pair, she freezes in wonder/fright. Then, she notices:
The pair slows as Atlas leans in to squint at Famke.
Famke? Uhhh. . .
Oh my God, is that Garth Ancier?
Atlas veers away to the ocean, leaving Famke shocked.
Holy crap I'm dating a superhero.
Maggie, furious, swings Sloane in his chair to face her.
What did you do to him, Sloane?
When Sloane begins to stand, Maggie SLAMS a leg into the arm of his chair.
That thing he does will get him in the end.
What are you talking about Sloane--
Ohmygod, ohmygod. This is like, so crazy!
Shut up, Bubbles./Not now, Bubbles.
What are you talking about, Sloane?
His blog. Will get him into trouble. One day.
Oh. That's all?
Maggie, you think you're protecting him, but when he grows up, he'll be worse than me. When he's had his share, he won't be so flip.
Maggie takes her leg down from Sloane's chair.
EXT. OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN - 1/2 MI. OFF MALIBU
Atlas, holding Garth by the neck of his suit, zips over the Pacific.
So, Garth, who wants to swim with sharks now?
What are you doing? Put me down-- on LAND.
Sorry, Garthie, I'm not your assistant. And therefore, I don't have to do a go&&amn thing you say.
What, you think drowning the head of the WB will really make the studio want to pick up the Global Frequency?
You still don't get it, Garth. Maybe you never will. Maybe your generation will just have to die off before things change. So the question is, Garth, how comfortable am I with helping that along?
Atlas stares down the suddenly-terrified executive.
Please don't do it, Atlas, you'll hate yourself-- [you'll hate yourself ECHOES over the ocean]
INT. AN OFFICE
A message memo is stuck to his face.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
Or was it?
VOICE FROM THE OFFICE
Where is my farking [sic] latte?
Aw man, it totally was. Crap.
Chad Michael Murray as Atlas
Famke Janssen as Famke
Ron Rifkin as Sloane
Joan Cusack as Maggie
Jane Horrocks as Bubbles