Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

You Make the Call: A-List Battle Royale!: 3.06

It took me awhile to do this, but instead of re-tooling the Whisper Price Game to make it more like a barrel of monkeys, I'm launching a NEW GAME! The Whisper Price Game will be back very soon [read: when I run out of better ideas].
And now, it's a new game!

Yes, there's even more fun with assistancy to be had. In the "Assistant/Atlas You Make the Call Game"--so named because this is best the assistants could do in the situation, and they're the ones on the phone having these actual conversations. [ed. note- that's a working title]

Here's the scenario*:

You've got a movie that's shooting in about six months. It's an indie thriller/actioner/drama with the potential for highly-global marketability and YOU, AN INDIE MOGUL, have it independently-financed well-enough that you've attracted some potential stars. Of course, since you're an indie company, you just now got your financing in place, so there's less actor choice-- a lot of stars already have projects lined up for six months [or even two years] from now. Some tantalizingly good ones don't, as you'll see below.

So your job is to decide between these A-Listers who are available for the shoot: TBD on location, but somewhere subsidized. Your very awesome assistant has gotten you the cream of the crop. After all, these are A-listers that are biting at indies, for various reasons. So whaddaya think,

*based on semi-fudged actual accounts!
That's Nick Cage.
Agent: CAA. I ain't got nothin' against the guy, he's suitably low-profile but has acting chops and a global audience. He'd be a good choice to helm your company's big movie of the year.
Hi, Hayden Christensen.
Agent: CAA You're an A-lister already? Actually, yes. You've got global clout thanks to Star Wars [despite Ewan McGregor's Island drubbing, which was obviously the fault of finger-pointing fauxteur Michael Bay]. And you happened to be also available at CAA for the indie flick.

Agent: WMA Between you, me and WMA, John Travolta could use the work. The Cult of Hollywood is not a career cure-all. Or even an aid of any kind.

Frankly, you know Cameron. I know you know Angelina. Both are in the $20 million club. Which would you prefer for your apparently-fat offer? I just wanna hear what you say on this one. There will be no agency fighting here, though, both are CAA biyotches.

May I humbly suggest a camo bikini jello-wrestling match for the role?

Michael Caine Agent: ICM, no last reported salary

Always-venerable [isn't he a knight or some sh*t?] Michael Caine has been invited back for Batman and as a longtime star, does has some global cachet.
Patrick Stewart Agent: WMA, last reported salary: $14 mil.


Wait, is that right, IMDB Pro? What the heck did Patrick Stewart get $14 million for, X3?

Oh, he got it for one of the Star Trek sequels. Nice.

Because seriously, I was gonna say that that's about how much you'd have to pay me to work for infamous fauxteur Brett Ratner.

Anyway, that's the scenario. Endeavor is led by an Ari, and you're a proud indie mogul, so that's a no-no from the get-go. Paradigm is highly annoying and lame and doesn't have anybody cool anyway. Available A-listers are in short supply elsewhere and Gersh's supply was kinda laughable: Rachel Leigh Cook and Skeet Ulrich. [ed. note- are you f*cking kidding me?] And nobody else has available global A-listers.

So the future of the company and this film is up to you. Or will you say, "Screw it. Get me Gilbert Gottfried on the phone."
What will you tell your assistant when you tell him/her to make the call? Comment phones are standing by.

PLEASE NOTE: Word verification will now be required to prevent spammers, but hopefully, not anonymous commentators. If you really need something, you can spam I could always use some more herbal Viagra.


Anonymous Chaz said...

The Lead: Cage. He's done amazing work in the past including "Leaving Las Vegas". He's not afraid to take risks and play good and/or fun characters in "bad" movies.

Hayden was good in "Life as a House" and is a household name thanks to "Star Wars" but I doubt he's going to pull in the desired crowd on those credentials.

Travolta's right up there with Cage for the amazing work/taking risks factor but he's let himself go.

The Girl: Angelina for sure. I don't know a single straight woman that'd go gay for Diaz but they all would for the lovely Angelina.

I think the jell-o wrestling is definately necessary though. If Diaz won I'd consider her...but that's a BIG if.

The Old Man/Mentor: Definately Patrick Stewart. He's always been a favorite actor of mine and the fact that he managed to keep a career after Star Trek is a bonus. How many of the cast members can say that?

11:22 PM

Blogger justin said...

Gilbert Gottfried has heat, man. Heat.

1:01 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cage is washed up, and his new Stone movie will sink him completely - take Hayden.

Diaz for the girl - Angelina will only bring Katie [Kate] Holmes type publicity to the movie.

Patrick Stewart, absolutely, no questions. But 14 mil? maybe not... I'm sure for an actual role he could be bought for much much less.

Also, all together they make one hell of a shitty cast. Really.

3:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hayden for the lead, because fuck Cage and Travolta; no one wants to see them.

Cameron for the girl; the fact that she's taking such a "serious" role will stir up a lot of buzz and inspire insipid talking heads to rave. Angelina being heavy and serious? Yawn. Seen it!

Caine because, Hello? Oscar bait!

12:17 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Travolta - forgetting about real life, in movies I think he's still the most intriguing.

Cameron - as a girl, as Chaz predicted, I'm much more attracted to Angelina, BUT the woman just can't act.. and as said above, the change of pace for Diaz would be refreshing all-around.

Patty Stewart - Although I think Cain always manages to retain something mysterious, I think Patrick could be written into a very interesting character with lots of opportunities for humour (which would abound if I made a movie)


11:24 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buying for comfort is also another useful aspect. Unfortunately, ed hardy womens there is a pre conceived notion that comfortable clothes are not ed hardy kid generally classy and does not make you look cool. Good thing there is ed hardy womens shoes . These clothes, although stylish, are made from lightweight and comfortable important allowing individuals to move liberally. ed hardy womens swimwear The fabric does not stretch clearly and will look as good as new for a long time. ed hardy womens t shirt All you have to do ensue washing and ironing instructions and you will like these clothes for a long time. ed hardy womens tops The thing that makes ed hardy womens tanks unique is their vintage designs. Because these designs never go out of approach, ed hardy womens hoodies choosing to buy these clothes is a smart resolve.

1:59 AM

Blogger leader said...

Can provide protection for the entire dwelling on an all risks basis around the policy limits. thomas charms The policy limit is defined by the policy owner when the insurance coverage is paid for. thomas sabo charm You are able to decide to insure the house and items for either replacement cost or actual cash value. cheap thomas sabo charms The house needs to be insured for replacement cost. cheap thomas sabo charmsReplacement cost is most likely the sum it will take to replace or rebuild the house or repair damages with equipment of identical kind and quality,thomas sabo without the need of deducting for depreciation.

6:42 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home