Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Buzz on the WB's Fall Schedule: 3.05

Sorry about the post delay, the new gig is killing me softly and swiftly. I'm back with the buzz on the WB's fall schedule, thanks to a plethora of assistant stories, as well as my own slapdash, last-minute Internet research.

Let me tell you, the buzz is palpable.
LOST rip-offs will be HUGE!

But can you guess what else is coming to the WB? First off is something truly original: a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced procedural, a Don Johnson comeback vehicle, and Doogie-Howser-MD-but-in-a-courtroom rip-off. And that's one friggin' show [called "Just Legal"-- otherwise known as "What You Won't be Watching on Monday"].

I mean, really, what we're really clamoring for is another "Sex and the City" and/or "Friends" knock-off. Gosh, hey, the WB's got that, too! It's called "Related". Oh, wowie! They even got one of the "Sex and the City" writers for it and former "Friends" producer Marta Kauffman! Golly, it must be good, then. I'll definitely be watching it instead of "Lost". Not.

Hey, what's on Fridays now? Oh, a great time slot for Sara Gilbert and/or Melanie Griffith's fiery-career-death-disguised-as-a-comeback.
I'm pretty sure this a word-for-word re-creation of the conversation that led to the creation of the sitcom "Twins".
WB EXEC #1: You know what was a good movie? "Twins".
WB EXEC #2: Oh, yeah, it was!
WB EXEC #1: Wouldn't it be funny if we could watch that same dynamic, week after week after week?
WB EXEC #2: That would NEVER stop being funny!
WB EXEC #1: We could even keep that same, awesome title!
WB EXEC #2: Maybe we should change a little something about it, you know, to show our 'creative input' to David & Garth.
WB EXEC #1: Oh, you're right. We should make them girls, instead.

But perhaps the most damning praise comes from the WB's own website, which unintentionally mocks both producers and actors:
"Having explored the hilarious complexities of sexuality with the wildly successful Will & Grace, Emmy award-winning producers David Kohan and Max Mutchnick bring their unique take on contemporary relationships to The WB with an all-star cast of Sara Gilbert, Melanie Griffith, Mark Linn-Baker and Molly Stanton."

Okay, I'll give you Melanie Griffith. And I'll throw in Sara Gilbert, too, but the thought of Mark Linn-Baker [not Balki, but the other guy from "Perfect Strangers"] or Molly "Five Years of Passions" Stanton as 'stars' stretches that term to the breaking point. The thing that gets me though is the production team. Did I miss several seasons of "Will & Grace" where they actually explored the 'complexities of sexuality' instead of just having Jack flame around like a gay Stepin Fetchit?

And as for midseason replacement "Misconceptions"-- I'm not even going to dignify this POS with an insult.

And finally that brings us to the WB's entry in the Lost-ripoff category, "Supernatural". This show merits some serious discussion because it was probably the reason that GF didn't get picked up. My theory behind why this obviously inferior concept was picked up instead: pretty boys. The star's shows, who aren't horrible actors [but they ain't good either], and who are NOT getting a mention in this blog while I run it, are the main selling point. But while the pilot may be okay, the show as a long-running series seems ludicrous. The advertisements for it have invaded Los Angeles and from them, I've deciphered that the show is about two guys and a car. And there is also someone who is dead in others-- an older woman, perhaps a mother figure. But it's purple and spooky. At least, I'm sure that's what it boiled down to for the marketing execs: "Pretty colors" and "that's hot".

Seriously, Garth, I'm starting to get a little ticked off. We, the people [aka-the fans] shouldn't be having to launch a massive global campaign to get you to make us the television we want. If you just asked nicely, we'd deliver you huge, fat hits to line your already-bulging pockets with.
[ever since Famke spun my head, I've been feeling off my game. . . and a little gay, to be truthful]

In conclusion, you can see that has a wonderful treasure trove of only-Warner-Brothers-conglomerate-produced television that will just wow us.

Seriously, guys, , even in its deep decline, will beat you if this is the best you can do to pick its bones. Somewhere, Les Moonves is cackling.

Move away from Les. He will crush your weblet. Even without Viacom, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO LES MOONVES!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good use of All Your Base are belong to us.

Now if the rest of the post were readable.

9:15 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

can we start a poll on how many episodes it takes jared padelekcaseliar to NOT suck at delivering exposition in supernatural?

9:22 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugh-- Atlas, the pilot for Supernatural wasn't that good. And those are two truly wretched [but yes, eye-catching] actors.

2:59 PM

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8:37 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

And also, I'm sorry if you think that the quality of my writing has lagged a bit lately. Don't worry-- I'm hugely self-conscious when it comes to that.

To be fair, y'all missed the real point of the Mark Lisanti that was hiding right in front of . . .y'all. To wit, he leads one of the smartest, most well-connected [not to mention most celebrity-studded] smart mobs in the world. And right now, I am in awe of his choices [in a good way].

Also, please note that the disrespect shown was playful blogger-brother disrespect, and in no way representative of the actual high regard in which I hold Mr. Lisanti. Or "Marky 'Marky Mark'" [M-Cube for short], as I like to call him. He's not quite as fond of the nicknames as I am, but that's missing the point.

The point is that if the M-Cube ever DOES go over to the dark side-- he's taking a lot of us down with him. And I gotta respect that.

3:43 PM


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