Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Would You Go Gay for Hetero Sex?: 3.03

I thought this post would be nicely appropriate as we gallop through the weekend. Famke and I were watching "Gia", which we've both seen several times and any hardcore Angelina fan will know and love, and cuddle-talkin' when we veered off into a very peculiar conversational direction.

We were watching that part in "Gia" where Angelina/Gia gets it on in a foursome with her then-winsome movie-boyfriend Eric Michael Cole--whose IMDB publicity photo is scary-- but does a good job in the movie. Anyway, they're drinking have fun with an older couple [not old, 'old', just older-ish] and Angelina gets things started by making out with both the older guy and Eric Michael Cole. Things are getting hot and heavy when the two guys suddenly end up kissing.

At that point, Famke goes: "Ohhh [three's h's, I checked], that's so hot."

Thinking she was talking about Angelina, because seriously, who wouldn't be:

I say, "Yeah, she's amazing."

Famke: "No, I mean the guys, that's so hot." Onscreen, the guys continue heaving petting as Angelina walks over to the wife to use her patented Siren-Angelina Hotness Wiles on her.

The innocent Atlas responds: "Really? You think two guys making out is hot?"

Famke snuggles into me and digs her hands toward her belly: "Oh God, yes."

Physically, I back off her a bit and re-adjust. I say, "You've been watching too much Pedro Almodovar lately" as my eyeballs zap onto Angelina and her other woman.

Famke turns to look at me. Famke: "What, and the thought of two women fooling around doesn't excite you in the least?"

Atlas smiles, he knows the right answer to this one: "I'm a one-woman guy, baby." Famke gives an obliging grin, then offers, her off-handedness reminding me of her Eurocentricity, "Of course. Haven't you ever even kissed a guy?"

I respond with a quick and masculine "No."**

Famke rolls her eyes: "It's not that different from kissing a woman." Famke scoots further from me on the bed and offers a slight frown: "I'm surprised you're so close-minded about this, Atlas."

Stumbling blindly into a minefield, I say: "I am not close-minded. I mean, I love my gay uncles. I'm just. . . heterosexual." Satisfied in my answer, I reach for Famke's arm with a smile.

But she looks annoyed: "You're heterosexual. You're a one on the Kinsey scale and you've never wanted more than one woman?" Damn that Liam Neeson.

I sputter: "No, I, I mean, I guess I've thought about it, you know. Been kinda like, 'that'd be neat-o'. But not seriously."

Famke: "Well, it's the same thing. I wish you were more comfortable with your sexuality."

My masculinity shrinking in the gale of her words, I say: "I am comfortable with my sexuality. I'm straight."

Famke: "But you wouldn't be comfortable making out with another straight man?"

Atlas: "Wha- no. What?"

Famke: "If you're straight, then I wouldn't see why making out with another man would be so uncomfortable for you."

Atlas has no idea how to respond to this statement and goes with: "Um, I just think it would be weird?"
Wouldn't that be weird, Chad?
Famke continues: "After all, if you're so secure, I can't see that it'd be a big deal."

Head spinning, I respond: "No I wouldn't, be insecure. I just, wouldn't want to do it."

Famke draws quick: "But you might in some cases. What if Brad Pitt and Angelina asked you to have sex with them."

I smile: "Fine, I guess if I had to have sex with Brad Pitt in order to have sex with Angelina Jolie I would."

Famke: "But you would derive no pleasure from Brad Pitt?"

Atlas: "Um, that question makes me really uncomfortable."

**There was that one time in college, but that was totally different, and no, you won't be getting further details. Okay, fine: there was lots of drug-things involved and girls around and--I don't have to justify myself to you people, I'm an anonymous blogger. I just want to know what y'all make of all this.

Would I go gay to get with you? Yes.
Yes, yes I would for .
But I welcome your comments on this one because I just feel all confusey-ed.
And if you're all really good, then I'll tell you who made the lists that Famke and I had of people we'd consider going gay for. We totally might have a threesome. Why do I keep going on about this? I dunno, it keep me entertained. I love weekends.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, seriously, I don't want to have these thoughts when I'm all checking out your blog and all drunk and shit. Seriously.

11:05 AM

Anonymous Enrique said...

Sorry, man, but I ain't gaying it up for no one. Who the puck came up with this whole "secure" thing?? Why is it that if we men are secure in our sexuality that we have to prove it by going AGAINST our sexuality??? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! It's like saying "I'm secure in my driving skills, and I will prove it by crashing into that 18-wheeler at 100 mph". This is why we have to stop listening to women!!

1:21 PM

Blogger Peggy Archer said...

I'll have to second Famke.

Two guys kissing is, in fact totally hot, and you can, in fact, kiss another guy and still be straight.

6:03 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it's a silly question. Who wouldn't go gay for Angelina Jolie? I mean, it's ANGELINA JOLIE, people. I'd probably sacrifice my first-born to her if I thought it might win her favor.

7:46 PM

Blogger Flyingwaitress said...

Hey I went to high school with Eric M. Cole! Seen White Squall?

10:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watching two guys kiss is fantastic. And, if I had to do the dirty with Angelina to get to Brad, oh HELL yeah!

-An Honest, Straight Girl

8:07 AM

Blogger mcdolph said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:42 AM

Blogger mcdolph said...

no, really you should go for it. you might get a kick out of it and yer chick is gonna appreciate it.

10:18 AM

Blogger kristine said...

i don't think two guys is hot. but i do think two chicks is.

and, you know, just to be clear, i'm straight.

2:33 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm a straight guy and have snogged another straight guy because one of the girls with us offered to gay it up with ALL the other girls if we'd do it.

it was the most boring thing i've ever experienced in my life.

although now i understand why women always moan about wanting us to shave. stubble is not cool.

5:08 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a friggin lesbian and i still think two guys kissing is the hottest thing ever.
If you weren't seriously considering it, you wouldn't have posted this. so what the hell are you waiting for?

9:47 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, as a lesbian, who's friends with gay guys, I've seen LOTS of them kissing. It's a bore. Of course I consider watching straight people kiss a bore too. Oh hell, let me put it this way, if I'm not kissing, it's BORING!

Obviously, I'm not a voyuer. I'm cool with that. What I'm NOT cool with is the old double standard that most of you "men" have going. You know the one: girl on girl sex is hot and you're totally for it. But, let two guys be just kissing??? Y'all run like a buncha little girls squealing "Ew, ew, ew"!

Another thing... hate to break it to ya boys (wait, no, I don't hate it after all) BUT... you're NEVAH gonna stumble across two women making love (having sex... whatever), who will quit doing each other, clap their hands, and squeal with delight while beggin' you to join them. "Oh GOODY! A BOY! That's just what we wanted! Get your penis in here, big boy!" Ain't happening. There are stores for those who desire "penile" thingys. You may get a girl who's "curious" (and most likely already your girl) to experiment but that's mostly because she wants to please you.

As for kissing a guy to get to Angelina, hell, even I'd do THAT!

1:28 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, you guys should watch Gregg Araki's movie DOOM GENERATION to understand how sexy male on male lust is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Straight girls kissing isn't that hot anymore. At this point, it's usually annoying. Straight girls all over me is hot. Lesbians are whatever, gay people are whatever. Do whatever feels good, man.

8:27 PM

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3:35 AM

Anonymous Vick Iaggria said...

I'm a straight guy, and no, I wouldn't get my gay on to get on any woman. I'm secure with my sexuality, thus, I know I'm fine not going against my heart just to have sex with some chick.

FWIW, I wouldn't get grossed out with two straight/homo guys getting it on. Doesn't offend me. Doesn't turn me off. Doesn't turn me on, though, either.

But two women going at it? Works better than Cialis. Unless they're porn-types. Two female porn stars together are the biggest turn off. There is nothing sexy with that.

1:05 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a very dangerous path to head down. I promise. Hot though it may seem to her or even to you, or even if she asked you to get with another woman with her, do not do it. That is all. A word to the wise.

9:58 AM

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