Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Battle of the Jessicas: 3.08

Today's post, appropriate for a Saturday and slightly inspired by yesterday's Cameron/Angelina action, heads into that most hallowed of territory-- the one-name superstar. And I'm not just talking Madonna, Cher, or Britney. I'm talking Angelina, Cameron, Brad, Lindsay, Colin or Paris status.

To wit, what's in a name? In Hollywood, quite a lot. A lot of money/fame/power at stake. There's a battle going on to see who's going to be THE Jessica. It's between the two most popular Jessicas on the market.

Vs. : Battle of the T&A actresses

INTERNET IMAGE:
"Jessica Alba" Google Image Search [without SafeSearch enabled]: 150,000
"Jessica Simpson" Google Image Search [without SafeSearch enabled]: 58,500
With strict SafeSearch, Alba: 65,900
With strict SafeSearch, Simpson: 3,280
Advantage: Alba
I'm popular on the internets.

IMDB RANKINGS:
Current IMDB StarMeter rankings: Alba #7, Simpson #8
Overall StarMeter graph higher average: Alba

Advantage: Alba
Look at my acting ability!

AGENT:
Alba's agent: Patrick Whitesell, Endeavor
Simpson's agent: Rob Light, CAA
Advantage: Simpson
My agents eat these!

PUBLICIST:
Alba's publicist: Bragman/Nyman/Cafarelli
Simpson's publicist: Bragman/Nyman/Cafarelli
-Same-
But. . . a recent temp at BNC reports that while on reception duty, there were "way more random calls" for Jessica Alba's publicist than Simpson's. The temp's fave: "Some reporter called and said he was from 'Iceland's Biggest Film Newspaper'."
Advantage: Alba
I don't need to open my mouth.

CAREER LONGEVITY:
Alba's age: 24
Simpson's age: 25
Advantage: Alba
See, I'm the Jessica.

ROLE CHOICE:
Alba: Fantastic Four [good money, bad choice], Sin City [good], Honey [bad]
Simpson: Dukes of Hazzard [bad movie, good role choice], Nick & Jessica Variety Show [bad], Newlyweds [good]

Upcoming Alba: a "thriller" with Paul Walker. Yes, that is an oxymoron. [bad]
Upcoming Simpson: a comedy in which she plays a disinherited heiress who must become a hotel maid. Oh wait, hers is called "Room Service"? That definitely has potential. [good]

Advantage: Simpson
Them's Daisy Dukes.

ACTING AWARDS [no, seriously]:
Jessica Alba, one Golden Globe nomination for "Dark Angel"
Jessica Simpson, one Teen Choice award for "Reality/Variety Star"
Advantage: Alba
I know I'll get an Oscar soon.

CELEBRITY FAMILY:
Alba: None, seemingly-anonymous boyfriend
Simpson: Husband Nick Lachey (B-List, but A-list while married to her], sister: Ashlee Simpson (currently B-List), dad: Joe Simpson (creepy D-list)
Advantage: Simpson
I love my on-camera husband.

T&A:
Alba: A
Simpson: T
Advantage: The viewing public

OVERALL:
Despite the lack of discernible acting talent, both Jessicas seemed destined to bask in the light of stardom for awhile longer. But for now, the Alba has the edge in the battle of the Jessicas. Of course, for perhaps the first time in the history of war, everybody's a winner.
Proof of God's existence.

7 Comments:

Blogger The Unsomnambulist said...

Alba is definitely the better actress, the one with the overall better big screen karma and charisma...

But Simpson is definitely the one deserving of the Jessica moniker. She sings, acts, and has a reality show. Screw internet rankings... she has tabloid exposure, MTV exposure, and people actually talk about her.

The only ones who talk about Alba are horny guys like you and I.

2:46 PM

 
Blogger Grubber said...

What you could not have just got them to bikini wrestle in jelly to make the decision??????

Atlas, you are slipping! ;-)
cheers
Dave.

4:54 PM

 
Anonymous McNasty said...

So I haven't commented in awhile, but I just HAD to say something about the "Battle of the Jessicas". Neither of them can act, and the only reason people talk about Jessica Simpson is because the stuff she talks about is so mind-numbingly confounding. I've actually hung out in a club with Jessica Alba and she seemed really cool (I got into VIP as part of an "entourage" one night at Avalon up in Hollywood). She's kinda short, so Simpson wins in the height department, but she looks even BETTER in person (Advantage: no ProActiv commercials for Alba)!

If I was a claymation version of Mills Lane, I would declare Jessica Alba the winner.

2:48 PM

 
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