Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

How to Not Screw Up Entourage: 2.49

Dear HBO's ,

I'm sorry to be writing again, but I have some concerns about the show. But first, congrats on the news you'll be getting a third season. Hey, me too! Since you'll be having a third season, I thought I'd try my hand at some unsolicited advice.

I've been pretty happy with how the second season is going-- what with the plots and storylines and characters being funny. It's certainly markedly better than your embarrassing first season. So let's not f*ck it up, okay guys?

Now, I've put together a list of things that you'll need to avoid in order to have a great third season.

So Entourage, whatever you do, DO NOT:
1) DO NOT PISS OFF SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG. And learn how to pronounce her name properly. We need her for a big romantic comedy angle with a freshly-made-over-and-trying-be-successful-manager-guy Eric in the third season. And I want it to be f*cking cinematic and breath-taking. And hire Tarantino for an episode that puts her in a skin-tight suit and allows her to fight evil ninjas for some reason. I don't know how you're supposed to get her to do it. Just put Mark Wahlberg on it, maybe that'll work.
2) DO NOT LET ARI STOP FOR ONE SECOND. If you have a thirty minute show, I want ten good minutes of Ari going bananas. Frankly, I'd watch the show if it was just scenes of Ari in his office talking on the phone-- but I think that's just me. But seriously, I want Ari to do everything you'd never thought they do in Hollywood. Oh, and if you need story ideas, feel free to troll my blog. Or hire me. Whichever.
Give this man an Emmy
3) DO NOT FORGET YOU ARE ON HBO. Balls to the wall, baby. I want sex, drugs, action and drama-- and I want it all to be funny. Nothing spikes ratings [or my pants] like lewd sex.
4) DO NOT STOP BEING "HOLLYWOOD". Remember, people like celebrities. That'll get you the viewership of the suburban white kids. But if you want real Ho'wood cachet, make sure to keep it very LA-centric. [occasional jaunts to Sundance are acceptable] Us Angelenos like seeing our city looking beautiful, even if we hate it when filming f*cks up traffic.

And now, an actress who deserves all the work she can get and my favorite assistant in the entire pop culture universe:

You like ninjas, right, Samaire?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, so much better this season, although I admit I was slightly addicted last season - now I see why I kept watching. I just KNEW knew! that it would get better.

I'd so do Ari or E over Vince anyday. What's up with that guy? he's like scenery.

1:38 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Piven? An Emmy? For Entourage? Maybe so. But he damned well deserved one first for *Cupid*. What? You never heard of that or seen it? Thank gutless ABC. Brilliant series! Go ask them to start seeding it on the Global BitTorrent Frequency.

(Ach, this is my second Blogger post in one day. Now I guess I'll have to reg and carry Yet Another Password in my head... Grrrr...)

4:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I loved "Cupid." What a great show...ah like so many other shows that have fallen by the wayside...

[sarcasm]Thank God Big Brother is still on[/sarcasm].

2:07 PM

Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Well, let's all hope we actually see Global Frequency!

4:28 PM

Blogger sweet trini said...

just found your blog for the first time and wanted to say: it's not just you. me and several others would happily watch a half-hour of just ari.
walk good.

2:19 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard that the new season will have some online pharmacy elements I want to know what it is because I'm so intrigued.

12:51 PM


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