How to Not Screw Up Entourage: 2.49
Dear HBO's Entourage,
I'm sorry to be writing again, but I have some concerns about the show. But first, congrats on the news you'll be getting a third season. Hey, me too! Since you'll be having a third season, I thought I'd try my hand at some unsolicited advice.
I've been pretty happy with how the second season is going-- what with the plots and storylines and characters being funny. It's certainly markedly better than your embarrassing first season. So let's not f*ck it up, okay guys?
Now, I've put together a list of things that you'll need to avoid in order to have a great third season.
So Entourage, whatever you do, DO NOT:
1) DO NOT PISS OFF SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG. And learn how to pronounce her name properly. We need her for a big romantic comedy angle with a freshly-made-over-and-trying-be-successful-manager-guy Eric in the third season. And I want it to be f*cking cinematic and breath-taking. And hire Tarantino for an episode that puts her in a skin-tight suit and allows her to fight evil ninjas for some reason. I don't know how you're supposed to get her to do it. Just put Mark Wahlberg on it, maybe that'll work.
2) DO NOT LET ARI STOP FOR ONE SECOND. If you have a thirty minute show, I want ten good minutes of Ari going bananas. Frankly, I'd watch the show if it was just scenes of Ari in his office talking on the phone-- but I think that's just me. But seriously, I want Ari to do everything you'd never thought they do in Hollywood. Oh, and if you need story ideas, feel free to troll my blog. Or hire me. Whichever.
Give this man an Emmy
3) DO NOT FORGET YOU ARE ON HBO. Balls to the wall, baby. I want sex, drugs, action and drama-- and I want it all to be funny. Nothing spikes ratings [or my pants] like lewd sex.
4) DO NOT STOP BEING "HOLLYWOOD". Remember, people like celebrities. That'll get you the viewership of the suburban white kids. But if you want real Ho'wood cachet, make sure to keep it very LA-centric. [occasional jaunts to Sundance are acceptable] Us Angelenos like seeing our city looking beautiful, even if we hate it when filming f*cks up traffic.
And now, an actress who deserves all the work she can get and my favorite assistant in the entire pop culture universe:
You like ninjas, right, Samaire?