Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

You Make the Call Game: The Horror, the Horror

For the past several months, whenever a lit agent's assistant called a development person in Ho'wood and asked what kind of scripts they wanted, the answer usually went something like: "We're interested in high-concept, character-driven pieces. . .oh, and horror."

And God help the lit assistant without a solid horror script. You might as well have been humping a dead cow for all the good those other kinds of scripts will do you. Even as I typed that, I got a nasty mental picture. Sorry. But it's true-- many development folks are stuck in the low-cost, high-profit horror genre, and they're only beginning to break out of it.

So today's You Make the Call Game involves one of those horror scripts that did get picked up. And, with all due respect to those involved [and I do love you, guys], it's a giant pile of crap. However, as we Ho'wooders know, crap can make money if the conditions are right. The script itself is a pretty standard affair-- masked baddie pursues good guys, killing them off until the dramatic final stand with the heroine. Of course, they're trying to make it more women-centric [men dominate horror auds] by showing some male skin and having a strong lead actress. So which actress is up to par and which is up to being snuffed out viciously? Plus, you get cast your vote for your favorite pretty boy in this week's You Make the Call Game.

The Heroine
Mischa Barton Vs. Eliza Dushku Vs. Maggie Grace Vs. Devon Aoki
Why are most of these budding starlets from TV? Because TV actresses are cheaper and, theoretically, have built-in fanbases. I won't go into a detailed history on these ladies, as most are now household, or at least, industrywide-recognized, names. If you want a bio, click their name for the relevant IMDB page.

The 'Best Friend' Who Gets Gruesomely Murdered
Paris Hilton Vs. Tara Reid Vs. Jenny McCarthy
For this role, the big question is: who do you want to see killed in a horrible fashion? Killing Paris didn't seem to help "House of Wax" all that much, but maybe it wasn't gruesome enough. I mean, "See Paris Die" [one of Wax's taglines] won't get me to buy a ticket, but "See Paris Be Tortured and Burned Alive Like the Witch She Is" might. Personally, I think Tara Reid could use both the work and the final nail in her career coffin, but that's just me. There's also Jenny McCarthy, who's currently trying to trick us into thinking she's more than a nice rack with "Dirty Love". It won't work.

The Lover Boy
Wilmer Valderrama Vs. Jesse Metcalfe Vs. Eddie Cibrian
According to my sources, "We just need someone who looks good without a lot of clothing for this role." So, essentially, the question for this role is: of these guys, who would you most like to see naked?

So remember, folks, even crappy horror movies need actors. Who would you call for these roles?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Heroine?

Mischa Barton looks like you could snap her like a twig, no way could she go around with the bad guy.

Eliza could pull it off easily though I'd hate to see her go down the horror flick road...again.

Maggie Grace is just coming off her own horror movie. Doubt she'd be interested in another one so soon.

Devon Aoki kicked some serious tail in Sin City, though I'm not sure she would be a good enough pull as the lead.

The Best Friend - Tara, hands down!

The Lover Boy - No question, the gardener gets my vote. The least amount of clothing Jesse Metcalfe wears the better.

9:58 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

with that lineup, this film is going to really flop.

It's like a young Hollywood party...

anyway, Paris as the friend. If this movie is going to do well, it's going to be from the millions coming out to see her get killed.

11:04 AM

Blogger Steve Peterson said...

I'd vote Maggie Grace for the lead -- but I think any of them besides Aoki, would draw an audience.

I'd dump all the best friends for someone who doesn't draw so much tabloid attention that people pay more attention to her than to our lead actress.

Wilmer's kinda cool...

BTW -- I thought I read recently that studios have discovered that women actually dominate horror audiences -- thus the shift towards less female frontal nudity.

12:59 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Heroine
Eliza. The only one with the "badass" thing already going for her and who could actualy pull it off.

The Best Friend
Tara Reid. I want to see her die. I could care less about the other two.

The Lover Boy
Jesse Metcalfe. Eddie is too old, Wilmer is too short and Jesse is way too hot!

2:56 PM

Blogger writebrother said...

The Heroine
Eliza. She's got me pitching more tents than a boy scout troop.

The Best Friend
Tara Reid. She needs work. She's got to feed that alien that's been living in her tummy. Her midsection is gross.

The Lover Boy
No one. Make it a lesbian horror flick.

3:55 PM

Blogger Charli said...

Horror has plot: A girl, a knife and a guy who looks like Freddie.

5:27 PM

Blogger Should I Blog This? said...

Maggie is the only one who seems innocent and wholesome enough to be a horror heroine.

Tara is the only only that can half act for the best friend. Granted Paris would be a bigger draw but Tara would be a good second stringer to maggie.

Hands down Jesse deserves the role as the love interest. I mean c'mon! He's nailing Eva Longoria! Well on the show he is...but it's close enough.

2:03 PM


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