Eli Roth, Director of "Hostel", Douchebag

So there have been requests that I dish the dirt on the lesser figures of Ho'wood. Does a crappy director count?

As horror movies are wont to do, Quentin Tarantino Presents Eli Roth's "Hostel" opened with a surprisingly large amount of cash-- $20 million+. Now, Eli Roth directed "Hostel"-- that much is agreed upon. Previously, Eli directed "Cabin Fever". Again, not widely disputed. What is widely disputed is whether or not Eli Roth has one single shred of filmmaking ability. Largely overlooked in this discussion is whether or not Eli Roth is a talentless, megalomaniacal fauxteur. You know, the kind who really has a chance to make it in Hollywood.

LET'S PRETEND! Let's say we've just directed a low-budget horror movie whose star is a D-Lister from a middling-rated mid-90s TGIF show. Having had reviews ranging from the pleasantly surprised to the disappointed to the sarcastically mocking, we might be a little down. But when the time comes for the big DVD release, we launch into an expansive sermon regarding our vision for the movie. Proud director papa or megalomaniac? Well, if we've seen "Cabin Fever" we know the answer.

In our pretend world, we are arrogant douchebags.

Hitchcock had vision. Kubrick had a warped (but awesomely warped) vision. Spielberg seems to have multiple visions. Hell, even Tarantino has vision, despite making "Kill Bill 2" an ultimately disappointing endeavour. (that said, Vol. 1 is still friggin' awesome)

You've done one movie, Eli, and that movie was a stupefyingly mediocre (and that's being charitable) indie horror flick. You don't have anything that could even be remotely considered vision.

Also, Eli, Assistant/Atlas knows firsthand-- and secondhand in some deliciously funny stories--why you've got such an interesting reputation in Hollywood. You're known, Eli Roth, as a man who, in a town and business known for outsize egos, as the director whose ego most overestimates his actual worth to the town and business. Wonder why so many of your projects are trapped in development hell? Maybe it's because the most common thought the assistants have following a meeting with you is: "Who the fuck is that guy? And more importantly, who does he think he is? No, seriously, who does he think he is? Does he have multiple personality disorder and one of the personalities think he's a Weinstein brother?"

Sorry, Mr. Tarantino, but you're backing the wrong horse. Of course, of course, "Hostel" will almost certainly turn a profit. But frankly, this kind of cinema is like being kicked in the head with an iron boot. And not in a good way.

And it's not like you'll change, Eli. Just look at you. I mean, Jesus, even I'm not that self-involved.

You are so lame / you always disappoint me / It's kinda like our running joke / It's really not funny

And that's just how I feel about you, Eli Roth. I could give a flying shout about your 'vision'. Right now, all I'm seeing are fantastic reasons for the MPAA to burn all moving picture houses to the ground. And that's not what we as an industry should be shooting for. Just so you know.

[end rant]

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