Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Eli Roth, Director of "Hostel", Douchebag

So there have been requests that I dish the dirt on the lesser figures of Ho'wood. Does a crappy director count?

As horror movies are wont to do, Quentin Tarantino Presents Eli Roth's "Hostel" opened with a surprisingly large amount of cash-- $20 million+. Now, Eli Roth directed "Hostel"-- that much is agreed upon. Previously, Eli directed "Cabin Fever". Again, not widely disputed. What is widely disputed is whether or not Eli Roth has one single shred of filmmaking ability. Largely overlooked in this discussion is whether or not Eli Roth is a talentless, megalomaniacal fauxteur. You know, the kind who really has a chance to make it in Hollywood.

LET'S PRETEND! Let's say we've just directed a low-budget horror movie whose star is a D-Lister from a middling-rated mid-90s TGIF show. Having had reviews ranging from the pleasantly surprised to the disappointed to the sarcastically mocking, we might be a little down. But when the time comes for the big DVD release, we launch into an expansive sermon regarding our vision for the movie. Proud director papa or megalomaniac? Well, if we've seen "Cabin Fever" we know the answer.

In our pretend world, we are arrogant douchebags.

Hitchcock had vision. Kubrick had a warped (but awesomely warped) vision. Spielberg seems to have multiple visions. Hell, even Tarantino has vision, despite making "Kill Bill 2" an ultimately disappointing endeavour. (that said, Vol. 1 is still friggin' awesome)

You've done one movie, Eli, and that movie was a stupefyingly mediocre (and that's being charitable) indie horror flick. You don't have anything that could even be remotely considered vision.

Also, Eli, Assistant/Atlas knows firsthand-- and secondhand in some deliciously funny stories--why you've got such an interesting reputation in Hollywood. You're known, Eli Roth, as a man who, in a town and business known for outsize egos, as the director whose ego most overestimates his actual worth to the town and business. Wonder why so many of your projects are trapped in development hell? Maybe it's because the most common thought the assistants have following a meeting with you is: "Who the fuck is that guy? And more importantly, who does he think he is? No, seriously, who does he think he is? Does he have multiple personality disorder and one of the personalities think he's a Weinstein brother?"

Sorry, Mr. Tarantino, but you're backing the wrong horse. Of course, of course, "Hostel" will almost certainly turn a profit. But frankly, this kind of cinema is like being kicked in the head with an iron boot. And not in a good way.

And it's not like you'll change, Eli. Just look at you. I mean, Jesus, even I'm not that self-involved.

You are so lame / you always disappoint me / It's kinda like our running joke / It's really not funny

And that's just how I feel about you, Eli Roth. I could give a flying shout about your 'vision'. Right now, all I'm seeing are fantastic reasons for the MPAA to burn all moving picture houses to the ground. And that's not what we as an industry should be shooting for. Just so you know.

[end rant]

If you enjoy this blog, please vote for me in the 2006 Bloggies. I'd really like to be nominated in the following categories: Best Entertainment Weblog, Best New Weblog, Best Undiscovered Weblog. So if you guys could make that happen, that'd be just great. Oh, and listen, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday.

As filler slots on your ballot, feel free to choose randomly from any of the links in my Rolodex to nominate as well. Remember-- you can only vote once per IP address, so be sure to fill out your ballot completely before submitting. Thank you, lovely readers. And vote soon, the nomination phase ends this week or something. HURRY!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite part of Cabin Fever--- the part when that freakish little kid yells "Pancakes!!!", followed by the shot of said kid doing Tae Kwon Do. Well done, Mr. Roth, well done.

9:32 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Eli Roth

9:33 PM

Blogger Jon said...

...excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.

9:42 PM

Blogger CharlieDontSurf said...

Finally someone who agress that Kill Bill 1 was far better than its crappy follow-up.

Also anyone who gets non stop blowjobs from the nerds at Aint-It-Cool-News has got to be a douchbag.

10:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god...Eli Roth is the antichrist. He's every assistant's nightmare. Has anyone ever had to deal with him? If not, consider yoruself lucky. I'd rather be trapped in a cramped elevator with Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin than have to spend one second serving bottled water to Roth. At least the other two are competent. Roth is a self-important, untalented, hack.

Just Saying.

9:34 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:04 PM

Blogger One.Day.Past.Dead said...

Eli Roth, Renny Harlin, Eli Roth, Renny Harlin, Renny Roth, Eli Harlin, Harlin Roth. Hmmm. Interchangeable?

9:34 PM

Blogger Peggy Archer said...

I nominated you, baby!

8:10 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meh, a lot of people in Hollywood have said in interviews he's a great director, he's just in the wrong genre.

Don't really care too much to argue, though. Small-time blog with no influence; not worth it.

10:26 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

When has vision or talent made a difference in Hollywood or at Sundance? Eli Roth makes crowd pleasing films and gets paid money to do this. I dont understand why you guys are criticizing him for. Maybe you dont like his movies but why would that make him a douchbag? I dont think you guys personal know Eli Roth so you really can't say anything about his personality. And Kill Bill is meant to be watched as a whole. It's one long film split in two.

9:07 PM

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