Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Ho'wood Executive Awards!

If the writers, directors, producers, and every other 'er'-type group has awards, then Assistant/Atlas is gonna get his, too. Since this blog is dedicated to the destruction or reform (whichever comes first) of the Hollywood system and its executives, I figured I'd give it the name of "The Ho'wood Awards", in honor of the fact that we're all whores.

Official name:
THE ASSISTANT ATLAS HORRIBLE HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES AWARDS! These prestigious awards were judged by a distinguished panel consisting of myself and my roommate, and then we called a friend and ran it by her. And then we wrote this.

So now for your reading pleasure, we present to you the "honorees."

THE MOST BLATANT NEPOTISM AWARD

WINNER: This was a toughie, but in the end it was Haylie Duff, who has elevated celebrity family hanging-on to an art. Yes, she's not a Hollywood executive, and thus, maybe a bad lead-off for the awards. Okay, how about she has to share the award with everyone who has enabled her career? Whatever, we just really hate Haylie Duff.
Runner-Up: Eisner's kid, whathisface. You know, the one who directed that crappy movie? But really, there are too many to mention them all.


THE "I-SERIOUSLY-CAN'T-BELIEVE-YOU-STILL-HAVE-YOUR-JOB" AWARD

WINNER: Jeff Zucker. The fact that he was just promoted makes our heads spin. Which is surely the work of the Devil.
Runner-Up: Amy Pascal. After a bomb-filled year, only dressing up like an idiot for premieres makes you indispensible.

THE "I-CAN'T-BELIEVE-YOU-GOT-YOUR-JOB-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE" AWARD
WINNER: Michael Brown, infamous FEMA Director. Sorry to get political, but he tops anyone in the entertainment industry for the sheer audacity of his appointment.
Runner-Up: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Seriously, fellow Californians, we need to stop getting high before voting.

THE BEST "PEOPLE" ARE THE WORST "PEOPLE" AWARD
WINNER: Untitled Entertainment, ZEI, and good ole CAA. These are Lindsay Lohan's people, but please note they won only because the cutoff date was January 1st. It is not a good move to have the headline "Lohan Confesses To Drugs and Bulimia" heading IMDB news.
Runner-Up: Scary, Scientology-enabling lawyer Burt Fields for frightening the pants off anyone to whom he sends a letter.

UPDATE: Seriously, forget what I said about CAA, Untitled, and all the rest, it's Lohan's publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik who now wins the award all by herself as Lindsay's mastermind. Just check out this latest masterstroke, chronicled in Defamer. Mark my words, either this will play out as arguably the best PR move in the history of high-stakes celebrity PR or result in Lohan's going to jail for admitting she used cocaine in a taped conversation with a Vanity Fair reporter. Either way, let's hand it to the adorably-named Sloane-Zelnik, this kind of brinkmanship takes a big set of steel balls. And you've got 'em lady. You've got 'em in your boobs.

Sorry, kind got off-topic there at the end. [end update]

MOST ANTI-TECH EXECUTIVE AWARD
WINNER: Sony. Yes, the entire stupid company. The stringent anti-piracy lobbying and practices started it, but the insidious rootkit installed on dozens of Sony Music CDs clinched it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should r
Runner-Up: Garth Ancier. You missed out on a television revolution and a hit show with the torrented Global Frequency.

MOST CAESAR-LIKE HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE
WINNER: Les Moonves. Smacking down the theory that a young exec 'can connect better' and is therefore superior to an old one, CBS's Moonves handed NBC's Zucker his ratings head on a platter. Giving Moonves extra spring in his step: he's got one of the strongest stables of shows of any network, thanks to the way his net's oldsters send off their shows only once they're deep into lucrative syndication.
Runner-Up: Mark Burnett. This reality superproducer told Martha she'd be taking over The Apprentice to get her to commit while telling The Donald he'd get a cut and it would help his ratings. Burnett successfully played two media moguls off one another to their dismay, while he was the only one who gained. Who cares if Martha's Apprentice flopped? Burnett still made out like a bandit.

And finally. . .



THE WORST HO'WOOD EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR
WINNER: Rupert Murdoch. has successfully destroyed journalism as we knew it. Surprisingly, it wasn't the bloggers, who've been surprisingly good watchdogs when it comes to many important stories this year. Nope, place the blame squarely on the "Fair and Balanced My A$$" Fox. Daddy'd be proud, Keith. After all, his greatest influence is in Australia, where one of his newspapers passed off something Defamer wrote as actual fact. Profit-boosting staff reductions still look like such a great idea, Rupe?
Runner-Up: Michael Bay. Pheeeeeeeewwwwyyyyooooooooo, BOOM! [or, if you're a screenwriter, SFX: Falling, then exploding bomb] What's that the sound of? Hopefully your career, you talentless jerkoff.

Thank you all, and good night.

TECHNORATI TAGS: , , , , , , , ,

14 Comments:

Blogger london cokehead said...

Funny as fuck mate , you could be walking on eggshells with that post though .. Like your style kidda !!

Top ..

11:40 PM

 
Blogger industry whore said...

I feel like you need a lower-level horrible hollywood executives awards. The people we actually interact with day to day. The producers who make you do rewrite after rewrite for free, all with their idiotic notes, only to turn to project in to the studio and have them hate all of producer's input, which he, of course, denies every making. The executives who think they're writers and like to "tinker" - the ones you have to send your scripts to in Secured format, so they can't so much as add a period without you. The very sweet, very nice producers who don't have a creative bone in their body. They pervy lech guys. I mean, I know this is everyone in Hollywood, but there's got to be the worst of the worst, so to speak.

12:00 AM

 
Blogger Grace said...

I liked the movie Sahara. So therea

10:57 AM

 
Blogger EmployeeMegan said...

I agree with Industry Whore...I mean, everyone knows that Rupert is a blood-thirsty madman. But what about that marketing exec in one of the many many divisions below him, who somehow possesses Murdochian self-importance and expects their assistant to treat them as such?

12:47 PM

 
Blogger One.Day.Past.Dead said...

"Murdochian" loved it and the little ass as the top.

7:15 PM

 
Blogger mcdolph said...

most entertaining, a pleasure to read your blog once again, mr atlas. you should make tv or somethin...

11:22 PM

 
Blogger tence1 said...

very funny, I thought I was the only one who had hard true facts and hell stories out there.. thanks again for the laugh..

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Anonymous Enrique said...

Am I the only one who thinks Rupert Murdoch looks like he's wearing a poorly-glued-on mask of his own face?

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