Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Warning: Brokeback Mountain Will Make You Gay

Please, let this be a warning to you, straight men of the world. If you're a heterosexual American male, don't go see "Brokeback Mountain". Because it will give you The Gay.

You see, like many, I didn't think it was possible to catch The Gay. It's genetic, I thought, or perhaps a combination of factors, environmental and genetic, that led people to The Gay. But I didn't think it was like a disease, like something you could catch just from being exposed to it. But oh my goodness, you totally can, because right now, I am really gay.*

*I would like to note that this sentence was not intentionally hiaku, but upon re-reading it, dang, that just proves my point.

One might even say "uber-Gay". I don't deny it. All I can say is that I walked into "Brokeback Mountain" straight, and walked out gay.

The insidious thing about it--about The Gay-- is it's a creeping sort of thing. You're just sitting there, watching the gay cowboy movie with your girlfriend, appreciating the fine performances and the artistic direction and the sparse script and stuff (which granted, is pretty gay already, but let's keep in mind that this sort of thing is kinda my job). And then it hits you-- everybody in the place is weeping for these faggy cowboys! Including me!

"Dude! What the hell?" I thought, "Why am I crying- I'm a goddamstraightredbloodedall-American man! I don't cry at any movie except maybe Brian's Song!"

And then it hit me-- I had The Gay.

I freaking hate Ang Lee now. Even though he did do that cool Civil War movie about Kansas.

So how do I know I've got The Gay and not just a case of "Temporary Homophilia" (which I understand is the scientific term for temporarily getting The Gay)? Well, when I got home, I seriously began to consider installing track lighting in Famke's house, color-coordinating her bookshelf and doing her hair and nails. Then for no apparent reason, I began to wonder what Orlando Bloom's really like, and if we'd get along in real life, and what he might think of my hair. It was then I knew I didn't just have a passing case of The Gay.

And the worst part? My girlfriend doesn't seem to mind.

"It's so nice having a gay boyfriend," she says, "They're more sensitive, more fun, and my house looks amazing now. And I don't miss the sex much. I mean, we can even share vibrators now!"

Man I hate Ang Lee. Ang Lee and his stupid cute butt. Agh! I'll never be rid of this disease!

HEATH: Ain't many gays in them hills, Jack.
JAKE: Ennis, them's the Hollywood Hills.
HEATH: Oh. So I guess there's a lot of gays in them hills, then.

UPDATE: Yep, still got The Gay. Even after a marathon session of sports, kung fu movies, and porn, I'm still wondering if I'll ever get a peek at Superman's package.

Please note that the above post is what's known as "satire". If you need a definition of satire, please click here.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hysterical!!!!! - Maria the straight girl with an ex-boyfriend who was gay but didn't know it.

10:13 AM

Anonymous Enrique said...

Cartman: "I dunno, he still looks pretty gay to me" :P

11:04 AM

Blogger Fun Joel said...

Good shit. (And yes, I'm using that language to purposely confirm my hetero straightness.)

11:24 AM

Blogger Violence Jack said...

I dunno. Maybe I have a resistance to it or something, because I've been singing in a gay men's chorus for over a year now, and I'm still straight. I think.

7:17 AM

Blogger ScriptWeaver said...

That movie was masterful.

Gay cowboys, offset by a nude Anne Hathaway, nude Michelle Williams, cameos by Linda Cardellini and Anna Faris.

My sexuality had no f*@kin' clue what to do.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

9:12 PM

Blogger writergurl said...


You know you're funny if you can make a lesbian laugh with this shit.

Oh, wait.. just to clarify, unlike Joel, I'm not attempting any confirmation of "straightness".

Lemme check....

Yep, still got "The Gay"!

10:28 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dang dude, you should like, be a writer or something.

Seriously funny stuff, man. And I say that in a totally platonic way as a gay man. :)

8:22 PM

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