Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Liveblogging Dancing With the Stars

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am. I've finally succumbed to ABC's latest reality 'hit'. It's a lot like American Idol, except it appears to have a ramped-up consciousness of its inherent cheesiness. Or maybe that's just me.

Mostly, though, Famke and I are bored, but don't feel like going out. Therefore, you get a liveblog.
Here's what you need to know about "Dancing With the Stars". You pretty much get what you're advertised. C-List "stars" dancing it up.

Three judges: Hot Asian Woman, Old British Guy, Middle-Aged European Guy
Overall, they are way, way smarter and more accurate than the American Idol Idiot Panel.

George Hamilton: Campy as hell as reveling in it. Still, he's a little sad with how much he seems to want to hang on to his career. And by that I mean, his ability to score.
The judges find it campy, but appreciated George's showmanship. Me, too. And now, Tia Carrerre visits dancing children. And they are awesome. And a little of their awesomeness rubs off on Tia. And now she'll do a foxtrot.

Tia Carrerre: That was a flawlessly foxy foxtrot. And she looks good. And it made Famke move her pelvis around and rub my leg a lot. So I'm pretty happy with the show at this point. And Tia just totally sold that 'motherhood' line.

Master P: Described as a 'rap master'. Which is accurate, I guess. That Mormon family moment was inspirational. "You kinda give him an A effort, right?" says Famke. More like a B-. I have no idea who this judge is, and I can't identify his accent, but his inspired rants seem French-Italian. And the judges eviscerate them. Oh, his name's Bruno, the Eurojudge. Master P's scores: 4, 2, 2. Ouch. What really hurt, though, was Master P selling himself and his album or whatever. Master P, I would've voted for you if you'd remained cool. Well, not really. Notice that the editors mostly eviscerate him this week.

Now, it's to a blond chick. This blond chick is 'pushing herself to the limit'. If she's a 'mess' physically, then I'm a friggin' wreck. Her name is Stacy Keebler. I still have no idea who this woman is, but I do like the Norah Jones song.

Wow- that was dang good dancin'. She's like old Sienna Miller. And Euroguy says she's got the best legs ever. She's a natural, says Brit guy. I agree. Now she's gotten the highest scores.

When I ask who she is, Famke says she's from the WWE. How she knows that, I don't know.

A Paso Doble to Thriller from Drew Lachey? Oh my. Holy crap that's cool. YES! They added the Thriller zombie move! That was awesome. They're pretty much flawless. And the ceiling shot at the end was a great touch. Good job on that, Nick Lachey's little brother. In a few minutes, you've managed to completely eclipse anything your brother has done, talent-wise.

What do the judges think? This is the Best Paso Doble ever by a celebrity according to EuroGuy. I must agree. They score appropriately, giving Drew and Dancer the highest score.

Jerry Rice needs to take ballet classes. Jerry Rice says 'oh my God' and I must agree about that dance guy's package. Jesus. Russian Girl Dance Partner affirms Jer's masculinity. Jerry's learnt the fire's still there.

Anna Trebunskaya is Russian Tara Reid. They've got a good song though and Jerry's a bit stuff but doing okay. And he jumps well. The through-the-legs thing at the end worked for me, too.

Jerry's back on track, according to Euro Guy. They fight a bit. Is old British guy an Aussie? For the most part, says Hottie Asian, he was a gentleman.

Wait, the Pussycat Dolls are gonna be there? Jerry has a 9-year-old? Awww. Jerry Rice makes ballet a little less gay. They get three 8s, which is pretty decent.

After the break, Lisa Rinna dances the Pasa Doble. I know she was a soap star or something, but all i know her for is Veronica Mars. And she was flawless in her role in that, so I'm an instant fan.

Oh, George Hamilton just did a Ritz chips commercial- end line: "And believe me, I know toasted." Yes, you do know toasted, George.

Lisa Rinna, yes, she has had more plastic surgery than anyone in the competition, but she does work a lot. And she'll stop when she's dead. Oh golly, she's actually married to Harry Hamlin! Like she was in Veronica Mars! Awesome!

She and her partner really whip each other around. Harry Hamlin liked it!

And now everyone else, Famke and the Host, checks in on Harry. EuroGuy and Asian Hottie like it. Aussie/Brit Old Guy likes it, too, equal to her dynamo performance last week.

Back to Lisa Rinna, she's pimping herself out, but doing it so nicely. Her partner is pimping himself out, too. His name is Louie. Or more likely, Louis.

And now we're back to reviews. Overall, I think Lachey's bro's Thriller dance is the coolest thing I saw wasting my time tonight. But Lisa Rinna should stay, too, because Harry likes it. And I want Tia to stay.

No, seriously, is the host's name Tom Bergeron? No, seriously? Apparently yes. At any rate, way better than Ryan Seacrest.

So I guess, overall, not as boring and mind-numbing as it could've been. I guess that technically means I was 'entertained'. Way to go, ABC.

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