Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, January 20, 2006

"That's So Gay" Expression Declared Dead: 4.16

Thanks to the resounding recent success of a slew of 'gay' films led by "Brokeback Mountain", the once-popular slang phrase, "That's So Gay" has been declared officially dead at an impromptu summit of the Central Committee of the Slang Police.

America's top slang policy-making organization, the Central Committee of the Slang Police, comprised of a popular clique of 15-year-old girls from Malibu High School and a posse of homefries from Inglewood, held an unprecendented emergency summit to make the declaration.

Slang Police Spokeswoman Sierra Hoffman-Hughes issued this statement: "In recognition of the achievements of gay cowboys and hot lesbians and stuff, we have decided to make the expression 'That's So Gay', including all its derivatives like 'You're So Gay', officially over. Like, totally dead. Any violation of this can and will result in a Class 3 Slang Infraction." Possible penalties for a Class 3 Slang Infraction include mild to moderate mockery, eye-rolling, embarrassed sighing, and funny and/or disapproving looks.

This declaration marks the first time in several months that the two main Slang Police factions have met. Official reasons cited by the factions include lack of transportation, mismatched schedules, meeting ground disputes, and "our parents were being total b**ches." Some of the more philosophical members of America's top Slang Enforcement agency even cited globalization, the effects of Spanglish, and rapid technological advance. "Sheet's moving fast now, man. It's like computers and stuff. . . it's like everything, man, you know?" mused Santa Ana Slang Police Officer Xavier Solana.

But outside of the organization, criticism of the Slang Police has been heavy of late. "Their infighting allowed 'Hella' to hang around for like, EVER," sniped Brittany Klyburn, 16, a former member of the Slang Police now relegated to the slutty girls' lunch table for alleged boyfriend-stealing, "instead of it being over in fifteen minutes like it totally should've been."

The summit came together once the crucial issue of a neutral meeting ground was addressed. "We met at Pink's Hot Dogs," said Ignacio Cruz, 20, "Cuz you know, it's like right on La Brea. I f&cking love those chili dogs."

Once the Slang Police Central Committee actually met, relations were termed 'surprisingly chill.' According to Ms. Hoffman-Hughes, "We totally agreed right away. It was so totally obvious to everybody what had to be done. I mean, it's like, that expression was always been a little sketchy to begin with, and then it's like, now, with like Brokeback Mountain, and Felicity Huffman and stuff and Queer Eye has been on forever now. It's like, hello? Obvious."

Obvious, indeed. T-Dog Tyrone Washington said, "Yes, biyotch, that is my name. Also, my brutha is a muthafuggin' gay! You f***ing wanna step?"

For a generation raised in the post-Ellen-coming-out, funny seasons of Will & Grace, it seems that as popular culture pushes the envelope inexorably forward on issues of race, gender and sexuality, many seem to follow. But perhaps that puts the chicken before the egg. Consider the comments of 14-year-old Graciela Santiago Real ( ed. note: our computers are not equipped for foreign language 'accents') who said: "I was born in the Nineties. I like know for a fact that gay people are cool. So calling something 'gay' like it's bad is just stooopid, with like three o's."

The Slang Police spokespeople also noted that "Hella" has been reclassified as a Class 5 Slang Infraction, punishable by a swift kick to the ball-region and/or hoo-hoo arena, followed by eye-gouging and possible bitchsmacking.

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Blogger Fun Joel said...

Is this Assistant/Atlas, or The Onion? ;-)

Good shit, biznitch.

8:01 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh God, like totally, YEAH! Right on, Atlas...

11:29 PM

Anonymous Tiffany said...

that was really cute

11:50 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!!! :)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please is just a movie, i don't understand why people is like this, I'm not gay if you wonder i buy in viagra online and there's gay people in here, i respect to be respected and if someone doesn't respect i just speak to him or her, please don't do that i don't like it and ultimately my fist will solve the problem, just in last case but never happen.

2:11 PM


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