Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Who's the Bigger Ho: My Girlfriend or the 405 Freeway?


Normally, I wouldn't leave you without an explanation, or at least a guest editor. Sorry. Thing is, it hasn't exactly been a great week. Last Sunday (the 5th) I headed over to the house of my now-ex-girlfriend "Famke", after picking up some sushi from her favorite restaurant. I wanted to surprise her-- she'd told me she was having kind of a cruddy day and was just cleaning and doing laundry at home.

Of course, we were all pretty surprised when I arrived just in time to hear her climax with some guy who looks like Billy Zane's retarded cousin.

Look, I know I'm in my mid-20s, and she's much, much, much older. I know it probably wasn't meant to last. And I knew that as great as she and I got along, I wasn't Mr. Right. I probably wasn't much more than an apparently-not-satisfying-enough-f&ck for her. Still, BREAK UP WITH ME FIRST IF YOU WANT TO SCREW SOMEONE ELSE!

I really don't feel like re-hashing all the verbal fireworks, so instead, check out this fun survey that speaks to the twin banes of my existence: My Ex and the 405 Freeway. And it answers the question: "Who's the bigger 'ho: my girlfriend or the 405 freeway?"

The 405 can look tempting no matter where you enter. Same thing with Famke.

You can be going down on the 405 for hours and never get off. The Ex takes much less.

Thousands ride on the 405 every day. Apparently, pretty much the same thing for Famke.

Both are slippery when wet.

The 405 never promised to be faithful. Famke did.

So guess who's the bigger 'ho?

Oh- and happy effin' Valentine's Day to all.

14 Comments:

Anonymous grace said...

Sorry man.

10:06 AM

 
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Ooo.. so sorry to hear it. I've been cheated on before, and it SUCKS.

You were too good for her, anyway.

Since we're both single now, I'll buy you a drink sometime.

4:35 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sucks. Sorry, man.

5:37 PM

 
Anonymous Lynnzgal said...

Damn! That's some fucked up timing right there! Hope the sushi didn't go to waste? Keep on Atlas, I missed ya!

6:11 PM

 
Blogger queenofattolia said...

At this sad time, please remember the immortal words of Mick Jagger: "Women are just like streetcars -- there's always another one coming down the road."

8:50 PM

 
Anonymous Tiffany said...

ah, Atlas..at least some other women will be able to date you now. Famke was so not worthy.

10:28 PM

 
Blogger cinekat said...

I hope you realized the infinite flingability of sushi - nt to mention the stick-factor nd ensuing wasabi hijinx...
Valentines Day sucks.

11:24 PM

 
Blogger Al said...

It's like 'Old School' all over again.

All you needed was Todd Philips knocking on the front door.

Al
beatsa9-5.blogspot.com

8:38 AM

 
Blogger london cokehead said...

Oh no !!!

Bloody women eh!

9:45 AM

 
Blogger Grubber said...

Bugger, sorry Atlas. Be careful, it could all be part of Sloane's master plan.
cheers
Dave.

3:26 PM

 
Blogger writebrother said...

Damn that's fucked up. Keep your head up dude.

4:58 PM

 
Blogger Sam said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:32 AM

 
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Hey, y'all. I just wanted to say thank for all the nice, sympathetic things you all said. Honestly, it actually made me feel better than you dear, dear people really seem to care.

As for the fate of the sushi, I held onto it the entire time. I had no idea I did that, actually, until I got home and saw it sitting on the seat. So, and I know this is a bit anti-climactic, I threw it in the trash when I got back to my apartment.

Correction: I threw it with the full force of my arm into the trash can when I got back to my apartment after a long, tearful and pounding-the-steering-wheel-filled drive.

So thanks, everybody, for letting me know you don't take evil delight in my suffering.

Although for the record, looking back, the posts that attract the most comments are the ones where something horrible happens to me. Hmmm...

8:11 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ack.. Sorry to hear this.. It's happened to me too.

12:44 AM

 

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