Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Travel Channel, Cable's Red-Headed Stepchild 4.21

Dear God,
c/o Les Moonves

I know I haven't exactly been the nicest guy this year, and that I'm about 30%-35% evil on any given day. But I'm really trying to be better. But regardless of the relative goodness of the person asking, what is being asked is just. And it is good.

I ask you, God, please strike down the Travel Channel with Your most holy fury.

Because, frankly God, they are the red-headed stepchild of cable.

And I know you already answered one of my prayers by destroying the WB. But I was kinda hoping that since it seems like you're listening and all, maybe you could do me another favor. Please?

We both know, God, that the Travel Channel people are grade-A idiots. Forged in the wilds of Silver Springs, Maryland, instead of a normal media birthplace like LA or NYC, the Travel Channel people grew up with a bushwacky mentality that included things like wanting to avoid paying for anything. Which is fine, except they don't understand that you've ultimately gotta pony up the cash if you want to keep the hits going.

It's not just me that hates them-- though, I have hated them since the days of Sloane. Let's just say it's like pitching to a group of stoned West Virginia coal miners who've suddenly been put in charge of a cable channel-- about TRAVEL, no less.

A few days ago, I was informed of some additional info about the situation. It seems my readership has become more widespread and more international-y since my lil blogroll re-design. And today, something caught my eye on the Hollywood Reporter website that made me know it was time to unleash the wrath of God. The title ain't fancy, but it gets the job done: 'Poker Tour' creator, Travel Channel end dispute.

If you were curious about the inside scoop on that, the little assistant birdies say that essentially, the World Poker Tour people are still full of bile toward the Travel Channel folks. They'd put together a highly-rated show for the Travel Channel that cashed in on the still-potent tv-poker bonanza. And they were trying to score an expansion of their franchise on ESPN, after they realized Travel Channel wasn't going to pony up for enough for them to develop a spin-off there.

So when the Poker people bat their eyes at ESPN (which has a bigger audience and therefore, can and will, pay more for shows), the Travel Channel yokels threaten to yank their own most successful show off the air in the corporate equivalent of a murder-suicide. Realizing Travel Channel people are insane idiots, the Poker people re-doubled their efforts with ESPN, only to find themselves threatened with unwarranted litigation. So the Poker people sued right back, alleging that Travel Channel was impeding its efforts at ESPN (which it was). But as the inexorable snail of justice began to move, Travel Channel did something even more stupid.

Instead of justing letting the spin-off go, they paid out the wazoo to get yet another poker show on a channel that has a pretty dubious connection to games of chance anyway. And to get the now-furious Poker people back on board, they showered them with money, pretty much ensuring that Travel Channel wouldn't make a profit-- and making even less money available for actually developing shows about travel. Plus, now they've got 44 weeks of new programming to air-- none of it really having much to do at all with travel. AND- they're infecting their corporate masters, Discovery Networks, with their idiocy, too, which is the real shame.

Quite simply, when Travel Channel finds a good concept that draws good ratings, they don't have the sense to keep it going. And in the world of cable television, there are few greater sins. So please, God/Mr. Moonves, find it in Your heart to strike down the Travel Channel.


PS- For more Atlas goodness/evilness, please check out my Oscar nomination rundown, entitled: "Oscar Shocker: Gays and Famous People Do Well In Hollywood", over on NewsDrunk.



Blogger AdicaRoy said...

You are the snarkiest of all snarkies. I bow down to you. I hope to grow up to be you one day. Especially since I am about to move to LA and become an assistant. I'm like your life understudy. I am even trying to be snarkier myself:

10:52 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear God,
c/o Les Moonves

As soon as I read that, I knew it was gonna be a good post. Heeeee-larious.

1:25 PM

Anonymous WebKittyn said...

Hello, snarky!

I figured I'd slide down my rainbow from the BoB awards with the puppies and come say hi.

9:49 PM

Blogger london cokehead said...

Allrighty !!!

9:56 PM

Blogger Chris said...

Silver *Spring*, Maryland actually (Old Line State represent!)

And they can't cancel Travel Channel because where else would my favorite perky world traveller, Samantha Brown, find another gig?

World's Best Hotels
Passport to Europe

Nobody brings the perk like Sammy!

11:59 AM

Blogger aa said...


1:05 PM


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