Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Ari Gold Won't Hire You, Either

Normally, I don't pimp my advertisers much. But the new one there on your right is pretty much laser-targeted to my demographic and you've got to give HBO props for that.

It is what it looks like, essentially. On, you can "interview" with Ari to be his new assistant. So click and do a quick interview. You can put in a fake email address if you're worried about spam-- but I haven't gotten any thus far and a few times I used my A/A Yahoo address.

Anyhoo, so I spent as much of my day as I possibly could trying to get hired by Ari. And wouldn't you know it, the closest I came was when I masqueraded as chick-- something I probably couldn't keep up in real life. I mean, I'm no Tom Hanks.

Now, depending on the info you enter, Ari will either make a vaguely sexist remark about hiring hot chicks or a vaguely homophobic one about Lloyd's inability to lift a water cooler. God bless him, that equal opportunity hater. And then you'll have the opportunity to enter your own words at various points. Depending on what you enter, Ari will launch into several pre-arranged diatribes and then follow up with another question.

After a few questions (or less, depending on your answers), Ari will show you the door with one of several satisfyingly caustic remarks about not calling him.

Oh, and if you're reading this after the ad has expired, check out:
And if THAT page is gone. Well, then, you're SOL, my friends.

Since I'm always on the lookout for ways to help my fellow assistants, let us ask: Is there anything we can learn from this about real interviews?

Well, probably not. But aim for the fences, right Ari?

Intriguingly in the game, if you cuss, Ari will almost certainly show you the door: this includes the f-word, but interestingly, he shrugged off the BJ I offered as a 19-year-old girl and just asked me about Vinnie Chase.

So there's two points here to take home with you, I think.

1) No swearing during an interview. That will almost certainly come later.

2) No offering BJs during the interview. That will almost certainly come later-- but if you wait until you've got the job, you can file a sexual harrassment lawsuit. Damages, baby!

Ari Gold.
Let's get this b**ch an Emmy, baby.

And coming tomorrow (sleep-willing), another helpful life lesson: this one drawn from my recent travels. It's no "Sex, Scotch and Super Shuttle" but I will say this: it involves a dance-off.



Blogger Nyssa23 said...

Well, Ari didn't say I absolutely didn't have the job, but he did say I should be prepared to attend a meeting at an S&M club wearing a ball gag if necessary. Then he said I could wave if I saw him on the street.

I choose to consider that encouraging.

Discovered this blog quite by accident but I love it. Am currently digging through your back catalogue.

9:47 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew, Piven's a desperate douche.

5:50 PM

Blogger Scribe LA said...

Fantabulous post... will do the interview today after my French Open viewing pleasure.
Can't wait for season 3 of Entourage... Season 2 on dvd comes out in less than 2 weeks.
Cheers A/A!

8:08 AM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Thanks, Lyssa. Also, Anon, Piven may be a desperate douche, but Ari Gold is still easily one of the most entertaining characters on TV. So he's at least a talented desperate douche, and you gotta respect that.

Also, sorry for the lack of new posts, but Blogger was down last night. I worked for awhile, only to have none of it saved. And every time I tried to save something, there was a server problem. So, kids, if it wasn't for Google/Blogger, you'd be reading something fresh now. As it is, I'll git 'er done as soon as I can, as the problem appears to have been fixed.

9:04 AM

Anonymous stephanie said...

oh AA, your lack of interest at keeping us consistantly entertained as your primary job, deeply saddens me. although, we aren't paying you, we don't call, we never write *sigh*. why God, why?????

1:37 PM

Anonymous stephanie said...

okay, i actually posted before reading and i've just popped back to my screen (while at work i must add) and can NOT wait until the update for your dance off and such. sex, scotch and super shuttle is something that needs to be repeated in the near future and by the by i am jonesing a gay valet fix. sante!

2:02 PM

Anonymous Cole said...

I'm in! Coffee-fetcher for Ari Gold! Basically my pitch was "I'm your slave, sir. What can I do for you today?"

Who needs self-respect when I can be Ari's b**ch?

Btw, Atlas - a consistently entertaining blog. I've read every entry (and am currently trying out the blogs in your rolodex). When I take over for the Weinsteins, you can have carte blanche, baby.

8:33 PM

Blogger Scribe LA said...

Whoops... it's already the beginning of June! Season 2 on DVD was out Tues, though if you're in LA/the biz, a "street" date doesn't really matter, now does it?

If you want more Ari, click on over to "Let's hug it out, bitch" -


4:42 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hired on the first try!

6:29 PM

Anonymous Tom C said...

I didn't do too well with the first few questions, but nailed the last one. Just say, "I'm the master". Seemed to be enough to hire me, albeit a latte fetcher.

7:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The main part of an article is the matter of it. So keeping this in mind, we have included as much about amy gold here as possible.

3:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahaha i just won this. nothing special happens, but he offered me the job. yeah, on the last question just say "i really respect you" and say anything good about vince. also say that you an make him money and that you are smart. or talented.

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