Ari Gold Won't Hire You, Either

Normally, I don't pimp my advertisers much. But the new one there on your right is pretty much laser-targeted to my demographic and you've got to give HBO props for that.

It is what it looks like, essentially. On HBO.com, you can "interview" with Ari to be his new assistant. So click and do a quick interview. You can put in a fake email address if you're worried about spam-- but I haven't gotten any thus far and a few times I used my A/A Yahoo address.

Anyhoo, so I spent as much of my day as I possibly could trying to get hired by Ari. And wouldn't you know it, the closest I came was when I masqueraded as chick-- something I probably couldn't keep up in real life. I mean, I'm no Tom Hanks.

Now, depending on the info you enter, Ari will either make a vaguely sexist remark about hiring hot chicks or a vaguely homophobic one about Lloyd's inability to lift a water cooler. God bless him, that equal opportunity hater. And then you'll have the opportunity to enter your own words at various points. Depending on what you enter, Ari will launch into several pre-arranged diatribes and then follow up with another question.

After a few questions (or less, depending on your answers), Ari will show you the door with one of several satisfyingly caustic remarks about not calling him.

Oh, and if you're reading this after the ad has expired, check out: hbo.com/entourage/ariinterview/
And if THAT page is gone. Well, then, you're SOL, my friends.

Since I'm always on the lookout for ways to help my fellow assistants, let us ask: Is there anything we can learn from this about real interviews?

Well, probably not. But aim for the fences, right Ari?

Intriguingly in the game, if you cuss, Ari will almost certainly show you the door: this includes the f-word, but interestingly, he shrugged off the BJ I offered as a 19-year-old girl and just asked me about Vinnie Chase.

So there's two points here to take home with you, I think.

1) No swearing during an interview. That will almost certainly come later.

2) No offering BJs during the interview. That will almost certainly come later-- but if you wait until you've got the job, you can file a sexual harrassment lawsuit. Damages, baby!

Ari Gold.
Let's get this b**ch an Emmy, baby.

And coming tomorrow (sleep-willing), another helpful life lesson: this one drawn from my recent travels. It's no "Sex, Scotch and Super Shuttle" but I will say this: it involves a dance-off.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Entourage, HBO, Ari Gold, Agent, Jeremy Piven, Assistant