Dear Time Magazine: I Seriously Hate You Guys

Dear Time Magazine,

I used to love you. Back in the day, when I was innocent and in middle school, getting all up on you after class was what I lived to do. Scoping you up and down before I plowed into your luscious middle-- that was all I wanted. Seriously.

But now you're a filthy corporateslut. Know how I know? Because you've shrunk down your content to a handful of inane fluff pieces that trade on nothing but your increasingly-dirty reputation. Por exemplo, the Time 100.

You have got to be fugging kidding me, Time. Will Smith is one of the most influential entertainers in the world? Influencing people to what-- see really, truly awful movies? Time cites his work in "Six Degrees of Separation" as if it is good simply because . . .why, exactly? Did anyone who's seen that movie forget at any point that they were watching Will Smith? No. But do you even remember the names of the other actors in the movie? (No IMDB, cheaters!) That's right, didn't think so. (although seriously, check out the cast) And that is pretty much the one good movie he was in. And seriously punks, if anyone disagrees, take me on in the comments.

And don't even get me started on Puff "Sean Combs" Daddy. What the HELL has he ever done except show up to some awards show on a semi and get rich OFF OF THE DEATHS OF RAPPERS WITH ACTUAL TALENT!!!! HE'S A RENAISSANCE MAN BECAUSE HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING VERY WELL!!!

Time, I want to friggin RIP YOUR GUTS OUT!

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F***. I'm done now.

Time magazine, the only reason I even care enough to write to you is my nostalgia. Which is sad, because I'm in my 20s and nostalgia is so unbecoming for people my age. Anyhoo, here's the only way you can fix yourself.
If only you were this honest.
GET BETTER CONTENT. Hire more writers, editors, researchers, fact-checkers and freelancers.

But as the Economist says, genteel decline is good for business. So fuggin' do it, Time. Just be a corporateslut until you fade away.

All I know is, when I run Hollywood, I am not hiring fugging anyone who worked for you. ESPECIALLY Joel Stein.

F*** off and die,
Assistant/Atlas

PS: Choosing Tom "Huh?" Freston over, say, Les Moonves, (who apparently runs the 'unsexy' half of the former Viacom), just shows how desperately hip you wish you were.

PPS: I love people regardless of skin color. It's just that I hate that Will Smith and P. Duddy are two of the best-known black people on the Time 100.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Time 100, Time magazine, open letter