Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Old Gossip, Still Fun: 4.46

Since I know you kids enjoy gossip, I thought I'd play a little game with some that I collected this weekend. The game's very easy and you can play along at home! There's even a theme: faded action stars. The object is simple: attempt to guess which famous action stars have committed the following lapses in judgment. If you can't guess from the clues, there's a hint at the bottom. And I'll tell you the answers later today, so check back.

First up: when this action star retreated to his trailer to receive a BJ from an extra on the set of one of his movies, he famously forgot to turn off his mike pack. So the ENTIRE cast and crew was treated to the sounds of a BJ and the action star exhorting the extra to "Cup the balls, cup the balls!" I will say this-- the man knows how he likes to receive head.

Next, this still-married-to-the-same-person-as-he-was-then star, while out at a club, invited to two 20-something chicks back to his 'bachelor pad-like' apartment in Santa Monica for some coke festivities. The girls were happy to do some blow, although neither was ready to blow Action Star #2. However, abruptly, the action star announced he was taking a shower. The girls decided that that would be a good time to leave and were heading out the door when the action star raced out of the shower yelling: "Wait! Wait! You can make me come with your hand!" Well, at least he's into safe sex practices.

And finally, when a writer went to action star #3's home, he was shocked to discover the action star in his library (shocking enough he had a library) reading a script in his silk smoking jacket. But what really got the writer's attention was the fact that #3 appeared to be crying. And not just any crying, but full-on, mildly-disturbing bawling. When the writer asked what was wrong, the action star responded that the script had really moved him. Impressed, the writer asked who wrote the script. Action Star #3 responded: "Me."

Here's your big hint: all of the action stars' last names begin with 'S'. Now remember, all of these are FADED action stars who don't make the big-budget pieces anymore. Also, this gossip is completely true (okay, I added the smoking jacket detail to #3, but the rest is pretty much verbatim from trusted sources). Now, it's also somewhat old-- from the peak of their respective careers as it were in the 80s and 90s. Guess away in the comments section, and I'll give you the answers when I get home tonight.



Blogger Milehimama said...

Well, of course one of them has to be Steven Seagal. I vote that he's the BJ guy, as he is NOT married to the same as he was then (back then he was married to 2 people, as he forgot to divorce his first wife before marrying the second); also, I doubt he has the emotional depth to cry (I've only seen one face: pensive anticipation of a fight/pensive action while in a fight) and I also doubt he could get 2 20-somethings. Unless he paid them, in which case he wouldn't be chasing them down asking for a HJ.
BTW, he apparently wrote his own bio on imdb - he's "a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome" Pillsbury Dough Boy.

9:19 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is on Sly Stallone?

10:28 AM

Blogger e said...

Sly has got to be the one crying, since I can see him coming off as incredibly moved by the his own work.

Ah-nold must be the still married guy, I don't think he would look at that as cheating. And Maria looks like she's got a death lock on him anyway.

And I'll go with Seagal as the BJ guy as well since I can't think of another "s" name.

11:50 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it's Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwartzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone...but I don't know which is which.

I'm going to say the first one is Steven Seagal, the second one is Arnold, and the third is Stallone.

1:31 PM

Blogger Grubber said...

I agree with the above comments. The first one is most likely Seagal....cup the balls, cup the balls....he was training them..very similar to wax on, wax off....repetition is the key!

5:35 PM

Anonymous Ari's Kids said...

FUN!!! Half my office's what we decided:
1) Stallone-- another assistant here claims to have heard this story before, actually, though couldn't recall the movie.
2) Schwarzenegger-- married to Maria and the 'you can make me cum with your hand' seems very Ahhnold-like speech pattern.
3) Seagal-- because he's a douche with artistic pretentions. And probably, a silk smoking jacket.

6:12 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, the arnold thing has been circulating for years, but I'd take the other two with a grain of salt...

- Allen

6:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard about the third one 4 years ago from an exec at Morgan Creek. The part about crying and library were not part of the story. I just heard that Stephen Segal came out of his office and announced that he'd just read the best screenplay he'd ever seen and when questioned to the author's identity he replied "Me."

6:37 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

It looks like "Ari's Kids" (I'm assuming that's an Endeavor reference) win the prize.
Stallone got the BJ, Ahnold did blow but didn't get blown, and Steven Seagal continues to be annoying. And frankly, I don't doubt the Morgan Creek angle, anon@6:37, it's entirely possible that Seagal spent years talking up his own script around town. Oh- and Allen, you should take everything I write with a grain of salt.

7:00 PM

Blogger Milehimama said...

Well, I don't believe it. The Governator would never use coke - his muscles are all natural, the stuff of good, hard American, uh, Austrian work. Think of the detox tea he'd have to drink the next day.
Then again, if I was married to Ted Kennedy's Skeleton in the closet (Could Maria's cheekbones possibly jut any more?), maybe I'd find some kiddos and offer 'em candy (of the nose variety, apparently) too.

9:07 PM

Anonymous tinks said...

The first one is Sly Stallone for sure. I heard it from two different sources who worked on the set of "Cliffhanger", up here in B.C., only they told me his words were, "Say my name! Cradle my balls!". Um, ew?
#2 sounds like something the Governator would have done in his wilder days, and though you claim you're joking about the smoking jacket, who wears those ridiculous kaftans to cover his flab? Steven Segal, of course!

1:25 AM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Oh- also, everyone, this is VERY IMPORANT. Please note that these stories become immensely more hilarious if you actually do the voices for Stallone and Schwarz-y out loud. Preferably when telling them to someone else...

9:55 PM

Anonymous Tiffany said...

My head hurts. I'll have to figure this out later.

1:06 PM

Blogger M. Duss said...

#1- Sly, #2-Ahnuld, #3- Seagal.

10:42 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

#1 is indeed Sly Stallone.

Supposedly it was in Seattle during the filming of "Assasins." And I believe the words he used were "cradle the balls, lick the shaft..."

3:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Atlas, your Governor is a very bad man. Check up on a chick named Gigi "Jeffers". Word is she bent over the Gubernator with her strap-on and he cried "Mamma! Mamma!" as she did him.

I really wish I was joking.

But I'm not.

11:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know the first two:
1 - Sly
2 - Seagal

But i don't know the third.

4:17 PM

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7:05 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

surely it wasnt Sly,cuse he never be married the same woman that guy I am sorry

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