Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Why Coming Out Would Be a Good Move For Ryan Seacrest

The season four finale of Assistant/Atlas is forthcoming, but first, this message from your writer/producer, Assistant/Atlas...

Hello folks, I'm Assistant/Atlas, and I'm a B-List blogebrity who likes to give unsolicited career advice to people in my business. Usually I do it based on what other assistant types tell me to think, as well as my own horribly disturbed judgment.

And here is what I have judged...Ryan Seacrest, seriously, you're not even good at covering up the gay. Because you are so very, very gay. And I'm not joking, Seacrest, hiding your sexuality is starting to be very bad for your career. Look at what it's doing to Clay Aiken-- he's already turning into a Michael Jackson-esque joke, what with that sailor's allegation.

When I met Kathy Griffin, she told me that at the moment (in early May 2005), that her routine was essentially "Oprah, Gayken and Ryan Seacrest."

And you don't want to be a part of that joke.

So Seacrest, realize that it's 2006 and American Idol is hugely popular, which it will continue to be whether all of America realizes you're gay, or just some of us. And that no matter what, you'll probably still have steady streams of cash coming in.
Remember: Coming out is noble and brave, being outed is a PR nightmare.

Also, while we're on the subject, American Idol would make a good gambling game:
Odds that Simon Cowell awkwardly obviously outs Seacrest before this American Idol season ends: 5 to 1
Odds that Simon will awkwardly and obviously out Seacrest before his American Idol contract is up: 8 to 1
Odds that Simon will awkwardly and obviously out Seacrest just after his American Idol contract is up: 4 to 1
Odds that Seacrest got a "Cowell-has-to-not-out-me" clause written into his contract: 3 to 1 Hey man, he got Kathy Griffin canned. And you know I love me some Kathy Griffin.

But remember celebs, offshore gambling is of highly questionable legality, so before signing the contract make sure you're well protected in case of political backlash. But back to the topic at hand....

Not despicable?

Seacrest, your 'catchprase' is "SEACREST OUT! Because we all know that will happen sooner or later, buddy. And if you come out, you're brave and you apparently get at least career in talk TV (ie-Ellen and Rosie). But you already have one with E!, and they won't fire you because you're gay. It's E!-- they're pretty gay already. Plus, it's illegal in California to fire someone based on sexual orientation-- which would also apply to your American Idol gig, too.

You could even get a raise. E!'s gotta be thinking of all the fans you can bring to them with your gaiety. And even American Idol wouldn't risk massive gay wrath by replacing their newly-honest host, or even buying out your expensive contract (unlikely, but possible, and hey, you still get the money). And we both know that's a HUGE contract. So unless you get all Gayken and hook up over the Internet and be uber-gross, the money will still roll in. Enough to afford the mortgage payments on Costner's house, anyway.

As an added bonus, you can be honest with yourself and others. And you'll have a strong gay fan base-- you know, the kind that still buys Madonna's new album even though she's totally irrelevant to the world of music. And you may even earn a modest dose of public sympathy depending on how it all plays out.

And Ryan, you've never whored yourself for MTV, so it is still distantly possible for me to respect you.
And pushing civil rights forward would be a strong incentive for me to not actually despise you.



Blogger Naked Boy said...

Leave Ryan alone. What do u care? He is my butt boy. All mine!

12:21 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yikes, dude. Bitter because he bought that house? Or because you want to be his butt boy, too?

6:41 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree, he should totally come out. But my reason is mainly INTEGRITY. Constantly hiding your sexual orientation teaches others that there is shame in being gay, when there should be NONE. Moreover, it teaches young gays and lesbians that NEED role models and positive messages about being gay, that one should try one's best to deceive and hide their orientation from others. It's absolutely ridiculous, and quite sad really. Ryan, if you happen to read this, make the move, come out, and then you needn't focus on it at all in the future. Moreover, neither would anyone else. How often do we discuss Ellen's sexuality? Never ... been there, done that! It's now focused on her talent. The same is true for countless other out gay actors.

Ok, I'm done!

9:09 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home