We Should've Invaded Paris Hilton: 5.40

Who would've guessed in 2003 that Paris Hilton's ladybox would contain more deadly biological agents than the country of Iraq?

Well, okay. . . besides those pesky UN Weapons Inspectors. Anyone remember Hans Blix?
Of course you don't.
But you remember the fast food company responsible for this ad, don't you? I digress...

Most of us now realize that the Iraq war was a big mistake.

But meanwhile, Paris Hilton has been responsible for multiple car crashes, rampant drug use, the decline of Western civilization, and is, according to recent surveys, the most overexposed celebrity in the world. A mean feat, to be sure, but yet another reason that her noxious influence needs to be stopped today. And frankly, if a DUI is the best that American prosecutors have managed in her 25-year reign of terror, then the Hague won't get around to her until 2050. And by then, it will be too late: her one-woman genocide of intellect will already be complete.

Let's take a look at some facts that I've carefully arranged together to make my point.

Saddam Hussein slaughtered thousands of Kurds, we probably all agree on that. But since we invaded, more Iraqis have died violently in the um, NOT civil war, than he ever gassed or murdered. By the time we invaded, the Iraqi army, economy, and society were all crumble-ready, as we've seen, and certainly not ready to be anything more than a nuisance for its neighbors. Also, you might remember that Saddam was a secular dictator. Until we tried to link Saddam to 9/11, Iraq was one of Al Qaeda's least favorite Arab dictatorships.

Invading Paris Hilton would've almost certainly resulted in fewer casualties, even if you include those who would develop "Paris Hilton Syndrome" or, as they're more widely known, STDs. Additionally, patrolling Paris would require fewer soldiers than it does to patrol Iraq. And Paris Hilton, as the country's most overexposed celebrity, certainly gets far more airtime-- and therefore, more pernicious influence-- than Saddam ever had.

President Cheney made a mistake. If only we'd elected someone more pop culture savvy...like that guy who invented the Internet.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Iraq, Paris Hilton, politics