Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Know Your Role: Episode 1.18

What do you do when faced with insanity? Run away? Try to fight it? Become insane yourself? Or maybe all of those things at once since your personality has already become splintered thanks to your years of subjecting yourself to abuse at the hands of your batsh*t crazy boss?

Yesterday, I was just minding my own business-- and by that I mean, running his-- when my boss, whom I call Sloane, approached me.

Sloane: "What's this?" [he has a piece of paper in his hand]

Me: "Um I don't know." [because you're holding it in your hand and not letting me see it]

Sloane: "I'll tell you what it is. It's a bill for 10 copies of Mr. X's* script."

Me: "Okay..." [I can tell by Sloane's voice that something is wrong and my mind is working overtime to figure out what it is and perhaps come up with an excuse]

Sloane: "Why did you have 10 copies of his script made?"

Me: "Because I'd didn't want us to run out of them."

Sloane: "Jesus effing Christ! What have I told you about that?"

Me: [nonsensical sputtering]

Sloane: "I don't pay you to run your own company. I pay you to help me run mine. You're supposed to assist me-- not go behind my back with things like this."

Me: "With making copies?"

Sloane: "Are you talking back to me?"

Me: "No, I just don't understand why I shouldn't make copies of--"

Sloane: "Because I have special plans for that script and I don't want you whoring it around town with ten copies. You're wasting my money and my time, Atlas."

Me: [more nonsensical sputtering, then] "Whoring?"

Sloane: "Just do what I say, Atlas, for god's sakes. It's not that hard. All you have to do is assist me. Jesus..."

Me: "So, you don't want me doing anything with Mr. X's script?"

Sloane: "Are you f*****g listening to me?"

Me: "Yes, yes of course. I was just making sure."

Sloane: [getting in my face] "Just know your role, Atlas."

*Mr. X is obviously not the real name of the author

Then Sloane literally STOMPED into his office, leaving me shocked and awed. So what have we learned from that conversation?

Well, Mr. X's script is special and I apparently shouldn't be touching it and I definitely shouldn't be making copies of it.

Also, Sloane is evil and insane.

Additionally, he had something garlicky for lunch.

And lastly, I need to remember my job-- assisting-- and know my role...b***h.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I hope for your sake that this is at least partly fictional. Because I thought I had it bad. Thanks for making me realize that it could be worse, I guess. Although frankly, I am leaving your blog a bit more depressed than before I read it. Ah well, thanks anyway. And good luck.

12:10 AM

Blogger Grace said...

WHAT?! You mean the author's name isn't Mr. X???? Wow. You just ruined my day.

Maybe you should stop whoring.... LOL.

You're super FUN to the NY. I've added you to my links on the side of my blog.. I get a lot of traffic, so I'll send it your way.

6:18 AM

Blogger Grace said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:18 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this blog! It's hilarious and fun and helpful to someone considering the Hollywood ladder.

Your boss sounds hilarious in a Karen-from-Will & Grace sorta way. Hang in there...sounds like you may have already moved on to bigger and better things judging by the dates of the posts. But thank you for the posts. They're valuable insight that is difficult to find.

Except, after reading about the resume screening for hiring assistants, I'm terrified of even applying! Maybe if I combine all of the no-no's together, they become a sure fire recipe for success?

I'll be a super gay, pot-smoking, MENSA member, sociopath 'nice', model-hot, Type 'B' personality, anorexic with a very soothing phone voice. ;-)

Thank You! Hope you're doing great!!

12:16 AM


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