Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Cosmic Justice/Celebrity Justice: 1.40

Confession: I was awake at 12:30 when Celebrity Justice was on so I watched it. Hey, if you were me, you totally would have, too. Admit it, bloggers and blog-readers, if you were mentioned on a tv show, you would tune in just to see it.

My lil blog’s segment, which actually lasted probably at least a minute [an eternity by Celebrity Justice standards], was heavily promoted. Assistant/Atlas came across as a highly suspect ‘Internet site.’ But I had to say I nearly fell on the floor in laughter at the promo. It was given by a 27-year-old ‘hipster’ in a blue button-up that might as well have been striped, and it was, I kid you not, almost exactly these words:

“Ryan Seacrest hosts America’s Number One show. Only right now, it’s not number one he should be worried about.”

I seriously want to write copy for Celebrity Justice. How fun would that be? Paging Perez Hilton.

But back to ‘CJ’ as the kids call it– no wait, actually, that’s what the corporate shills call it. I get those confused all the time.

Things I Learned from Celebrity Justice:

Breaking news– this just in! It IS actually illegal to defecate on the streets of Hollywood! Thanks, CJ. I never would have known.

Anyway, the penalty for disobeying this ordinance ‘passed several years ago’ according to the crack researchers at CJ [and accompanied by weirdly warped stock C-SPAN footage] is a fine of $1000 or up to six months in jail. Actually, it could be ‘and/or’– I honestly haven’t read the law.

The good folks at CJ also noted that I recommended ‘a getaway driver’ in this flying-at-you newspaper-ish font, and also that I allowed you to dump ‘a bag of business’ on the star.

They also gave KROQ a nice evil visual spin when they quoted my interview– probably because they’re part of competing media conglomerates. I could be wrong, they could be part of the same one. I’ve almost stopped trying to keep track of which media branch is attached to which other one.

CJ also checked out Seacrest’s star, which, to make it difficult for you contest entrants, is located in an extremely busy location. It was, even more sadly, pretty spotless. They concluded it was because my prize sucks– which, admittedly, it does. But this isn’t a contest that’s about prize and glory– it’s about justice. Cosmic justice and Celebrity Justice.

7 Comments:

Blogger POPEalicious said...

JAJAJAJA! You go, Atlas! Get 'em, boy! Pimp that poop contest!

3:16 PM

 
Blogger Robert D. said...

Have to say I just caught the clip on CJ because surfing the cable on a Sunday morning it happened by at the right time and I recognized the blogspot format. Love the idea AA, good laughs abound, look forward to reading more of your blog and sending my meager readership your way as well...

7:41 AM

 
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

ROFL!

I was just watching CJ, and I saw this thing.. They were showing screenshots of the site, so I decided to Google the query "Assistant Atlas". Got me to the page =D

Good f**king job. Fuck Ryan Seacrest. Fuck him up his stupid f**king a**. What does he do? Host the sh*ttiest show on television? Who the f*ck cares who the next star is.

I was very entertained when he said, and I quote: "What's that, like 50 bucks?"

What a fucking moron. If they would have even done the slightest bit of research, they would not have failed to notice that the minimum Google AdSense payment, is $100.

F*cking idiots.

F*CK RYAN SEACREST, AND F*CK CJ!

--originally posted by "Mheys", cleaned up by Atlas

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