Atlas Uses Superpowers to Survive Cliffhanger!: Episode 2.01

Last Season on Assistant/Atlas:

Week 1: Neat-o. . .a blog to vent with.

Week 2: Hey, I can make money off the blog with GoogleAds? Let me get this straight-- I can get paid for stuff I write on the Internet. Heck yeah, sign me up.

Week 3: What? I'm not allowed to cuss if I want GoogleAds? That is f**king lame.

Week 4: Screw it, I'm still holding the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star" Contest. What, KROQ wants an interview? And they Darth Vader-ize my voice to keep it anonymous? Hell yeah...

Week 5: Holy potatoes Batman! People really dig this contest-- and look at my traffic spike!

Week 6: So I've been hit on by Kathy Griffin, I've got more radio interviews than I can handle, literally thousands of people every day are checking out my stuff. Wowie!

Week 7: Someone's trying to impersonate me? What? Why? Oh, to get a radio interview? Dammit! They stole Sirius, that's my national one! Bastards! I must stop them!

Yes, many of my regular readers may be wondering what the hell is going on. Essentially, Atlas was tipped off to the fact that some guy was planning on giving an interview on a show as yours truly, Assistant Atlas. It was all over the Something Awful boards-- his evil, nefarious, hilarious plan. Tipped off, but not about to let someone else steal my interview thunder, I managed to get a hold of the producer in time. Of course, now, he won't call me back because of the whole fiasco. Will he ever?

Welcome to Season Two. . .

It was a death-defying escape from the clutches of the malaise in which I found myself-- I was pulled partly out by wonderful people like [who knew?] "rabbikubota". I don't care if you're joking or not, dude, when I saw that comment, I got a little choked up. Your hero, dude? Seriously. I'm a little vklempt. So talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic-- the Bubonic Plague was neither Bubonic, nor a . . .oh, well, I guess it was a plague. Killing half a continent's population counts as plague, I guess.

Anyway, it was a close one there with the rampant depression and the identity-assumption scenario and all. I almost didn't feel like coming back. But I ultimately knew that I just couldn't let you down, because the would be like letting myself down and message message message message message message. Learning. Ahhhh....

Speaking of, I bet you'd like to learn who's going to be guest blogging. . . well, you'll find out. We don't do deadlines at Assistant/Atlas because the world is full of those. But I think the first ones up will be Geeky Roommate on Bond, James Bond, and Trailer Maker on ways to tell if a trailer is good, but its movie sucks. Assistant Unemployed is already hard at work on blogging, despite the fact that she's workin' hard to get a job and in the meantime is tempin' her ass on the streets. And Acronym Girl will make an appearance.

So, what does a good season premiere do? Why, it presents a wrap-up of last season's major threads and and churns ahead with new ones. So, we've wrapped up the guest blogger voting, had a surprise identity-switching/hate mail cliffhanger, and learned about some changes being made. Like these lil hyperlinks in the tidbits below. Well, that's all for now, I've spent way too much time on today's post anyway.

In other season premiere news, Michelle Rodriguez ensures that Atlas will be watching the season premiere of Lost.

I brought Brett Ratner stock a week ago on the Hollywood Stock Exchange , which is the only good thing I can say about the upcoming X3 fiasco.