Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Assistant/Atlas Picked Up for Second Season: 1.45

BREAKING NEWS!!! Assistant/Atlas has been picked up for a second season of blogging! [first season to finish run in early June]

In the past three days, this blog has experienced more traffic [5000+ hits/day] than it ever has before. So, why am I so popular? Somewhat ironically, somewhat appropriately, it's thanks to Celebrity Justice. Their story on me touched off a whole wave of internet chatter that led people from Britain to Japan to discover the Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest.

If you're one of them, welcome! I hope you'll continue reading Assistant/Atlas in the future-- in fact, that's what today's post is all about. It's about what you expect in the future from your faithful A.A., as Tiffany Stone [] calls me. First off, more links in the text--more timely and actual hyperlinks in the text to fun stories and such. But, most every blog worth its salt has this, too, so that's really just me playing tech catch-up.

Next will be guest bloggers-- there will an entire episode dedicated to this at some point. Guess what? I'm gonna let you vote on 'em. That's right-- I've got maybe a dozen possibilities of people to ask to be guest bloggers in mind. And you'll get to help me choose. Most are assistants, but as you'll see, they're a diverse group.

And next season, even more of your favorite features, plus some new ones: more Whisper Price Game, hopefully with the anonymous comment feature re-enabled. The continued announcement of the Assistant/Atlas Executive of the Week, but there's a TWIST! The evil twin/doppelganger of the Executive of the Week will be making an appearance-- the Craptastic Executive of the Week! Plus, more and more features will be unveiled that I'm not even gonna name yet. You just have to tune in. And now, something completely different.


1) Why don't you poop on the star?
Because I'm the one running the stupid contest. Don't you know that people who run contests can't win or it makes the contest all unfair? Duh.

2) Has anybody won yet?
No. Either I don't have the LA audience I think I do, or there aren't as many "edgy performance artists" [who need fifty bucks] out there as I imagined there would be.

3) Hey, did you know that the star is, like, right at Hollywood & Highland?

4) Dude, seriously, how am I going to be able to poop on it when it's right by a ginormous mall?
[ATLAS SIGHS] I can't believe I have to explain this one. People, use the natural environment to your advantage-- in this case a touristy area next to a mall. No one is going to look twice at a pedestrian with a well-hidden fresh dump in a Banana Republic bag carrying a camera. Moderate loitering is tolerated if you take pictures of things while waiting for your getaway driver.

5) Why only $50, when the fine associated with the act is $1000?
I'm poor, I'm an assistant-- and once, again, it's all about the cosmic justice. That's why the prize was linked by advertising to the popularity of the site-- of course, since that's a violation of the terms of use on GoogleAds, this linkage has been ended. I'll give you $50, that's about the best I can do. If you want to add to the pot, please contact me.

6) When you make fun of big companies like the WB and UTA, does that mean you hate everyone who works there?
Of course not. There are [theoretically, at least, for UTA] a lot of fine people who work there. And I do like whatever show Megan from Overeducated and Underemployed works on []. Unless it's One Tree Hill.

7) Are you really a Hollywood assistant as you claim?
Personally, I think this is the dumbest question I've gotten, and it's all thanks to Celebrity Justice. Why on earth would I pretend to be an assistant? If I was going to make up an occupation for myself, why wouldn't I just say I was a super-agent, a production company exec or an editor or ANYTHING? Why an assistant-- probably the most undignified, un-prestigious job in all of Hollywood? The point is-- if you were making up a glamorous Hollywood lifestyle for yourself, you wouldn't fabricate the life of an assistant. Or God help you if you do, you sad, sad person.


Blogger EmployeeMegan said...

yo, atlas- email me, i'll fill you in on the wb hotness. ;-)

12:00 AM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

you know, I'd totally go poop on the star. It's only a few blocks from my place. But I'm a small guy. I only poop about once every two days. And right now my poop is reserved for people far more annoying than Ryan Seacrest. Maybe in a few weeks buddy.

I already have the plan. I'm going to pretend I'm one of those idiots that sits out there all f**king night beating on the bottom of a paint can or whatever it is they bang on. I'm going to sit on one that doesn't have a bottom and just poop while beating on another one. It's flawless.

Faithfully yours,

Johnny Applebutt
Hollywood, CA

--originally posted by Earl, cleaned up by Atlas

10:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eh.. Atlas.. Why are you using a shitty ass sub from I can buy you a domain, as well as some hosting if you'd like. Install real software, like WordPress, and edit the database so you loose no information.

- Michael

AIM: ekbscs
ICQ: 284-107-938
YIM: VisualGFX

4:15 PM


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