Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Showing Bubbles How It's Done: 2.16

So today, Sloane had me 'teach Bubbles everything you know'. If that were even possible, it would be an hopelessly complicated task considering the enormity of what Bubbles doesn't know. Fortunately, all I think Sloane meant was 'everything I know about being an assistant.' Still an impossible task considering her learning curve, but I guess it must be done.

Now, remember, I choose 'Bubbles' as her fake name because of the AbFab reference , not because it's the name of Michael Jackson's chimp. Although, that didn't exactly turn me off to the name or make me think it inappropriate. Bubbles is, in many ways, a blond chimp with the ability to speak some form of English.

Bubbles: "What's up with the sitch on the stuff for Val? You know, the stats and stuff."

It's fun times with Bubbles, keeps me on my toes. Also, I feel like I'm in ESL class for Valleyspeak.

Bubbles: "So you do everything by the alphabet?"

Training Bubbles to be an executive/creative/all-around assistant is like training a dolphin to be a firefighter. It just ain't gonna happen properly, no matter how much the poor dolphin tries.

Bubbles: "Oh, so like, you have to keep track of everyone you talk to on the phone about stuff?"

Bubbles rarely seems to grasp concepts such as: 'you have to do the work or things get all messed up'.

Bubbles: "Should I like, leave a message?"

Unless you want to keep calling back every two minutes, I'd go ahead and do that.

Bubbles: "You know, like, in the right light, you sorta look like Michael Vartan, except younger."

You're incorrigible, woman. You're sleeping with Sloane, so if I slept with you, it would be like I slept with him. And I can't even begin to fathom how wrong that is. Also, you're still gonna have to do the work, eventually-- I'm pretty sure it's impossible to flirt your way out of every situation.

Bubbles: "Can't we just pretend we did it?"

Sure. We could also pretend we live in a magical fairyland where jobs are superfun and there are magical castles made of cocaine and gingerbread. But that doesn't actually do anything.

Bubbles: "That guy was totally not very nice. I am NOT calling him back again."
Atlas: "I know, he is an a$$, so just try to keep conversations short and to the point with him."
Bubbles: "Why can't we just ignore him...you know, like forever?"

Funny, I've asked myself the same thing about you.

Bubbles: "This job sucks."

I guess that means I've taught her all I can. Go, Bubbles, go into the world...

This, by the way, is Jane Horrocks, who played Bubble on AbFab.

5 Comments:

Blogger Jason B. said...

A/A - How to put this gently..? As someone who loves the blog and has gained respect for you and your efforts I have to ask, especially considering the most recent post, are you worried for your job? I mean if this were a movie... First you find out that S and B are sleeping together, then S asks you to "teach B everything you know." What's the inevitable next event? It could be that Sloane's just trying to help Bubbles get a job somewhere else or maybe to replace [the woman up front - I forget her name], but it could be that he wants to replace you.

Of course, if he cans you then Bubble would run the place into ground so that would be a kind of revenge.

You obviously have 20/20 vision, but I'm just saying...

12:26 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I gotta agree with the last comment, you've obviously got your thumb on all the office happenings but something seems to be brewing there....

Also if she really, really, really made the 'alphabet' comment - I fear for your mental health.

3:04 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I have to say I'm as curious as Bubbles. I mean, I've been dropping in on this blog every so often and I've still to find out what exactly it is that you do. Apparently you get on the phone once in a while. But as far as I can tell, nothing ever comes of it, except occasionally someone gets invited to take a shit in Sloane's hat. I'll bet you spend a lot of time playing solitaire (join the club). Better get Bubbles clued in:

"No, Bubbles, you can't put a King on a Queen. The Queen goes on top of the King. And they have to be different colors".

"That's cool, I'm into integration. But why does it matter who's on top?"

7:45 PM

 
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