What NOT To Do On Your First Day: 3.23

So I'm still loath to talk about the new gig, seeing as I like it and don't want to lose it and such. But I think we've all had some of these experiences, right. The hiring-of-someone-new in the workplace.
Recently, we hired someone new. This person lasted exactly one day. That's all I'm going to say about it, other than this post, which is entitled, "What NOT To Do On Your First Day". Helpfully, I've compiled a list of both do's and don'ts, in no particular order. All are pretty much equally bad in my mind.

1) Don't show up drunk and/or stoned. I will notice. And if you're in the entertainment biz, don't show up coked out of your head-- everyone will notice.

2) Upon meeting them, don't make up nicknames for your new co-workers. You are not the President and that is beyond annoying. Next.

3) Don't come back from lunch a good 30 minutes late and announce that you got caught in traffic. Where were you lunching-- the Valley?

4) Don't screw everything up that you should know how to do. At least have the decency to alert when you screw things up, or preferably, before. And its corollary:

5) Do, at some point in the course of the day, work. Anything, anything at all. And you see, newbie, babysitting you means it's just that much less that's actually accomplished. Since, again, I'm the only one of us who actually works a significant portion of the workday.

6) Don't spill liquids of any kind on my stuff, or the stuff of the workplace, if at all possible. I could understand if we were professional liquid movers-- I would assume some spillage might be part of that job-- but despite what people say about the industry, it is much more than just professional coffee-fetching, the job that we assistants do. It involves many other tasks, and coffee-fetching should be a gimme.

7) Respect my personal bubble by not polluting it with any of the following things: extreme body odor [or for the non-Americans, odour], extreme over-perfuming/over-cologne-ing, just-vomited smell, drugs/alcohol smell [see #1]. Hey man, I don't do it to you. Thanks.

8) Don't talk back to the big boss. He won't think it's bold and daring, or charming or funny, I'll tell you that right now. And ultimately, it's what got our most recent new-hire fired. Looks like someone shouldn't have been reading Hollywood Momentum.