EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Alba's Popularity Revealed!: 3.31
BREAKING NEWS ON STARLET JESSICA ALBA!
Details after the sexy picture.
I, Assistant/Atlas, have discovered the true secret of Jessica Alba's popularity. It's pretty amazing, but it explains everything about Jessica Alba so perfectly. Really, it's uncanny no one's reported on it before now. I imagine it's tough for some to comprehend, perhaps, to maybe even notice what's she doing to them. Why I am I different? Well, assistant superpowers aside, I did see her from kinda afar, so that's probably why her powers did overwhelm me as they might some others.
After all, it's Jessica Alba. She's arresting. Another picture? Okay. . .
Invisibility is not your superpower, Jessica Alba.
Are you ready for it? You really want to know why Jessica Alba is having the career she's having?
Jessica Alba's rise to fame is no accident, aside from the sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster that formed her into such a beautiful shape. No, FSM has nothing to do with Jessica Alba's fame, unless He's into giving hot chicks more superpowers. Which I could see, I guess. I know it's going to sound strange, believe me, I know it will be hard to comprehend, but Jessica Alba has the power to manipulate time. It's true. Anyone who comes within range of her will inevitably suffer what I am dubbing "The Jessica Alba Effect".
"The Jessica Alba Effect" struck me a few days ago [I've only now processed it] when I was just minding my own business, stopping fully at a stop sign on the roads south of Melrose near La Brea. As I patiently waited for the other car to enter the intersection, my attention was drawn to the driver of the car.
She had the slightest of grin as she held a Post-It to the corner of her mouth, just teasing it really, in a gesture that nearly hid her face and made me turn to Famke, and oh, oh sh*t, Famke was there. Um, that's why I was able to ward of The Jessica Alba Effect. I totally forgot about that-- her. Yeah, I turned to her, and I was all:
ATLAS: Is that Jessica Alba?
FAMKE: Yeah, with a Post-It in her mouth.
My eyes flash to her car. Getting Seussical, I wonder would a star drive this car? Yes, by gar, a star would drive this car. White, a sedan, luxury, immaculate, and it moved in slow motion in front of me. I was dazzled. Though her passenger window was definitely up, her tousled hair fluttered in a perfect rhythm and she looked to me as if I might be on to her, as if I were keen to ravage her with my gaze.
Oh, I'm on to you, Jessica Alba, I'm on to you like honey butter. Slathered all over your perfect form.
You can slow down time, Jessica Alba! You've torn the space-time continuum for your own starlet ends and I beg you, stop. Stop before we're all forced into a universe where 'Into the Blue' is critically-acclaimed and that, plus you in a bikini, does $80 mil on opening weekend. You're messing with power you don't understand, Jessica Alba, with your time alterations. Five minutes alone with a casting director is an hour of superpower in which he/she will be helpless before you. It explains your career and the part of your appeal that your hotness doesn't.
Shame on you, Jessica Alba, for not using your superpowers for more good.
And to finish off my oogling for the day. . .
I drove by Amy Smart jogging along Mulholland near Runyon Canyon. She had on sweats and everything, and looked pretty into it, like a serious runner and not some 'starlet out for a jog'. Some I'm gonna give her some props despite, and because of, her sweat. I've decided sweat on girls is okay and doesn't make me not think they're hot, but it might temporarily make me not want to hump them so much.