Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Alba's Popularity Revealed!: 3.31

Details after the sexy picture.

I, Assistant/Atlas, have discovered the true secret of Jessica Alba's popularity. It's pretty amazing, but it explains everything about so perfectly. Really, it's uncanny no one's reported on it before now. I imagine it's tough for some to comprehend, perhaps, to maybe even notice what's she doing to them. Why I am I different? Well, assistant superpowers aside, I did see her from kinda afar, so that's probably why her powers did overwhelm me as they might some others.

After all, it's Jessica Alba. She's arresting. Another picture? Okay. . .

Invisibility is not your superpower, Jessica Alba.

Are you ready for it? You really want to know why Jessica Alba is having the career she's having?

Jessica Alba's rise to fame is no accident, aside from the sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster that formed her into such a beautiful shape. No, FSM has nothing to do with Jessica Alba's fame, unless He's into giving hot chicks more superpowers. Which I could see, I guess. I know it's going to sound strange, believe me, I know it will be hard to comprehend, but Jessica Alba has the power to manipulate time. It's true. Anyone who comes within range of her will inevitably suffer what I am dubbing "The Jessica Alba Effect".

"The Jessica Alba Effect" struck me a few days ago [I've only now processed it] when I was just minding my own business, stopping fully at a stop sign on the roads south of Melrose near La Brea. As I patiently waited for the other car to enter the intersection, my attention was drawn to the driver of the car.

She had the slightest of grin as she held a Post-It to the corner of her mouth, just teasing it really, in a gesture that nearly hid her face and made me turn to Famke, and oh, oh sh*t, Famke was there. Um, that's why I was able to ward of The Jessica Alba Effect. I totally forgot about that-- her. Yeah, I turned to her, and I was all:

ATLAS: Is that Jessica Alba?
FAMKE: Yeah, with a Post-It in her mouth.

My eyes flash to her car. Getting Seussical, I wonder would a star drive this car? Yes, by gar, a star would drive this car. White, a sedan, luxury, immaculate, and it moved in slow motion in front of me. I was dazzled. Though her passenger window was definitely up, her tousled hair fluttered in a perfect rhythm and she looked to me as if I might be on to her, as if I were keen to ravage her with my gaze.

Oh, I'm on to you, Jessica Alba, I'm on to you like honey butter. Slathered all over your perfect form.

You can slow down time, Jessica Alba! You've torn the space-time continuum for your own starlet ends and I beg you, stop. Stop before we're all forced into a universe where 'Into the Blue' is critically-acclaimed and that, plus you in a bikini, does $80 mil on opening weekend. You're messing with power you don't understand, Jessica Alba, with your time alterations. Five minutes alone with a casting director is an hour of superpower in which he/she will be helpless before you. It explains your career and the part of your appeal that your hotness doesn't.

Shame on you, Jessica Alba, for not using your superpowers for more good.

And to finish off my oogling for the day. . .

I drove by Amy Smart jogging along Mulholland near Runyon Canyon. She had on sweats and everything, and looked pretty into it, like a serious runner and not some 'starlet out for a jog'. Some I'm gonna give her some props despite, and because of, her sweat. I've decided sweat on girls is okay and doesn't make me not think they're hot, but it might temporarily make me not want to hump them so much.


Blogger Fun Joel said...

See, and here I thought Jessica Alba's secret was that she was so damn hot. Oh wait, that's no secret!

Yo! Atlas! I gotta tell ya, I'm finally starting to read your blog. While I find the "TV episode" format really cute and clever, it also worked against me reading it, because I felt i had to start at the beginning and work my way up to now through the beginning of the series, or at least the beginning of the season! But this one seemd innocuous enough to start on by itself. :-)

And re: sweat on girls, you've reminded me of my favorite Freudian slip that I've made to date. I was at a party on a rooftop in NYC, and it was DAMN HOT AND HUMID out. This girl I knew had a sweat stain on her back and I planned to say, "Hey X, I find your sweat very sexy." Instead it came out, "Hey X, I find your sex very sweaty!" Well, what can I say -- I was drinking heavily that night. Of course. ;-)

10:25 AM

Blogger Bill Cunningham said...

Well, was her sex sweaty?

A man has to know what side of the bread the butter is on.

12:38 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fun Joel, that was your come-on line? Even the sober version of that means you must've been pretty drunk if you thought that was gonna work.

Uh yeah...

I met Jessica Alba once. Sadly, it was kind of a life highlight, at least thus far. She totally can stop time. She can also stop hearts from beating and makes people forget to breathe. She just radiates hotness. In person, it's nearly lethal.

8:18 PM

Blogger Should I Blog This? said...

Jess is the supreme hotness. I'd let her make me her bitch any day. She comes across as really nice and down to earth too.

Amy Smart is hot too. Thinking of Amy Smart all hot and sweaty from running makes me hot. I wouldn't be her bitch but I'd let her abuse me a little.

Gotta go masterbate now.

1:56 PM

Blogger Fun Joel said...

Guess I need to clarify for Anon's sake.

That wasn't a come-on line. She was actually already a friend of mine! Which is why we laughed about it afterwards. But her sweat was indeed sexy, so it was really just a statement of fact! ;-)

8:47 PM

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