Emily's Reasons Why Not To Watch This Stupid Show: 4.11
Maybe you've heard about the latest television offering from ABC. Maybe you've seen the ubiquitous billboards around the city. Maybe by now you know that someone gave Heather Graham her chance to finally star in "Sex and the City: The Lame Network Primetime Edition."
This is Heather Graham, looking both gawky/skinny and robust/boob-y at once. Make up your stupid, empty brain, woman. Or your body. Or whatever. Dammit. Why do I sometimes find you marginally attractive? Anyway, she's doing a sitcom. There was never really any question about that, of course. And we should note that the otherwise-fine programming folks at ABC would surely know better than to try and get people to watch Heather Graham for more than 22 minutes on any given night.
So now, without further ado, Assistant/Atlas presents:
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOT TO WATCH "EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT"
1) Heather Graham
2) Heather Graham
3) Because Heather Graham ruined the otherwise-delightful Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
4) Heather Graham
5) She's such a complete non-entity as an actress that I'd completely forgotten she's in the following movies: Six Degrees of Separation, Scream 2, Lost in Space, and Swingers. No one likes a non-entity.
6) Heather Graham
7) Seriously, she's not pretty. Yeah, okay, I'd bone her. But only if I didn't have to spend every Monday night with her from 9-9:30 or whenever that earning-the-name-boob-tube piece of trash is on.
8) Heather "Seriously, Rollergirl WAS the Highlight Of My Career" Graham
9) Heather "Aren't You Glad I Slept With a Lot Of People So I Could Be Famous" Graham
10) And finally. . . because if Heather Graham can't hold down a show on Monday nights-- if Two and a Half Men beat her-- then maybe Hollywood will realize that she's both untalented and unbankable. And then maybe, just maybe, we won't have to ever see or hear from her ever again.
Personally, I'm just glad it got pummeled in its first outing. That gives me hope for the world. And indeed, for television.
UPDATE: SUCCESS! ABC has yanked "Emily" and "Jake in Progress" to prevent their further ratings spanking. At least for a week.
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