Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, March 20, 2006

My Dad Is Tony Soprano: 4.31

By the way, sorry for the weird posting schedule, Blogger is being funky. And not in a good George Clinton kind of way.

While I referenced my Sopranos love last time on Assistant/Atlas, I thought I'd follow up now that the latest season of the Sopranos is well underway.

You see, your faithful Atlas comes from an Italian family. It's where I went on vacation. Remember, when the Roomie took over?

My Dad happens to be of the old-school 50s-type dads who doesn't emote. So he can be a little scary if you're not used to that. Although in fairness, if you are used to him, he is absofrigginsolutely hilarious. In a dryly intense way.

He also happens to be thoroughly Italian-looking and work for the unions. So take that for what you will. But some of the folks who've heard some of the stories of my clan often think my family is somehow associated with the Mafia. Which is patently false, but makes them look at me a little differently.

For an example, here's a dream a friend once that he told me he had. Here's the setup, me and "Rob" are cruising towards a party, or back from one (who can remember?) with me driving.

"Rob": Dude, I had a dream about you the other night!

Atlas: Um, you had a dream about me?

Rob: Yeah, dude, seriously. It was effed up.

Atlas: Um, okay.

Rob: Yeah, we were totally just driving along when all of the sudden I notice these like four black SUVs appear out of nowhere and cut us off. One like that one there. [Rob points to a black SUV in the rearview mirror] And they like surround us--

Atlas: So it wasn't a sex dream or anything?

Rob: No, dude. So yeah, so all these guys in suits and sunglasses in the SUVs surround us and they like get out and start to surround the car. And you're like: "We're blocked in!"

Atlas: This isn't sounding good.

Rob: Yeah, but right out before they yank us out of the car--

Atlas: [interrupting] I would've had the doors locked.

Rob: It's a dream, dude. Besides, they could've just smashed the windows. Anyway, right before they yank us out of the car, you turn to me and go: "They're going to kill you. No witnesses."

Atlas: Holycrap. What happened next?

Rob: They dragged you out of the car, and this other car in the road started honking at them, and then the like, Lead Guy, he pointed a gun at the driver. And the driver was all 'hands-up-and-I'm-driving-away'.

Atlas: F***!

Rob: Yeah. And then he drove away and there was no one on the road. And this Hispanic family on the side of the road totally crept indoors and I looked at them like "Please f()kin help me and call 911!" and I have no idea if they will. And then I look out and see you and you're on your knees and the Lead Guy has a gun pointed at your head.

Atlas: [in anticipation]

Rob: And then I get pulled out of the car and I'm like in front of it being held by these guys and you're just there with your hands behind back and the gun at your head. And the Lead Guy says "Little Matthew, I was at your christening. And I now I'm here for your Last Rites." And you effing look at him at you're all intense and you say, "If you do this, you're going to die." And the guy just looks at you and says, "I'd be worried if I wasn't already dead." And then right when he shoots you, I woke up.

Atlas: Dude, my Dad is not is in the Mafia.

Rob is a black man from Queens. He has seen stuff go down. And he has nightmares about my white, minivan-equipped family. So thank you, Sopranos. Thanks for making black people scared of me again.

And for the record, in my family, I'm totally the Meadow and my little brother is the AJ. Sorry, bro, it's true.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, look how far America has come. Black people are afraid of white people. Oh. Oops.

7:08 PM

Anonymous Tiffany said...

AA--that was funny. Does you dad watch The Sopranos?

1:17 PM

Blogger queenofattolia said...

Honey, did you just out yourself? "Little Matthew?"

8:04 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Oh, Queen of Alottia, if only I were that stupid. But maybe I am because I totally didn't think it might be interpreted like that.

Honestly, that was actually a Biblical name. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, first four names of the New Testament. Rob's the son of a preacher man and he occasionally gets Biblical on my . . . me. Yeah.

Snakes on a plane.

1:22 AM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Oh-- Tiffany, he watched the first few episodes, but didn't seem to be too excited about it. Psych 101 says it hit too close to home, but I just think he likes his TV non-intense.

1:24 AM

Blogger Arnold said...

I totally agree with thoughts of Anonymous, Tiffany, queenofattolia, Assistant Atlas, Indian Pharmacy, Assistant Atlas number 2, and you dear blogger!!

1:16 PM


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