Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Unsolicited Career Advice: Chad Michael Murray: 4.39

Look, I've been thinking. Chad, buddy, I may have been a little harsh. It was probably the combination of cold medicine and alcohol. I know you know how that goes, Chad.

Anyway, it's completely unrealistic to think you're going to be able to keep it in your pants for twenty years, playing hide the salami with only one chick for the rest of your days.

So what to do? Dump the pregnant teen and you're an irredeemable total schmuck. But cheat on the pregnant teen and you're even worse.

So here's the commitment you've got to make. You've got to try and be the best Dad ever. There's an entire life that depends on it.

But marriage to Kenzie Dalton? That doesn't for a second sound like something that would last a lifetime...especially considering the circumstances.

Unless it does to you, Chad, you've got two options:

1) Wait until a few months after the baby is born then break off the engagement.
2) Actually marry her and try to make it last at least a few years to avoid a serial marry-er reputation.

Now, here's how to have the career you want. One Tree Hill is probably going to be picked up for a fourth season on the new CW. Stick with it until syndication, Chad- that means this season and at least into the next. They can write you and Sophia out of the same scenes to make things easier. All you've got to do is make it work until Lucas Scott dies in a blaze of glory sometime around episode 100.

Then you'll have nice residuals to support your young baby mama while you alternate quirky, credibility-building indie roles and lucrative romcoms. And if you can snag a good superhero role, well, then, by all means take it.

In the meantime, keep a low profile, stay out of Page Six, and for your own sake, use a friggin' condom, you idiot.

Bottom line: You messed up. You pay for it now. Or you pay for it later.

Also, if this Blind Item really did refer to you, I am so friggin' disappointed.

Dude, you're a celebrity. Beat off.

UPDATE: Or, just have Kenzie get an abortion so both of you can further your careers. If I get confirmation this true, consider yourself dropped, Murray.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, why do celebrities do such stupid things time and again? One of these days, someone is going to snap a fuzzy cameraphone picture of someone blowing rails or blowing somone in a bathroom and then it's all over.

6:00 PM

Blogger Dabbler said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:36 PM

Blogger Dabbler said...

Chad, take the damn advice. NONE of us want to see Atlas adopt the avatar of Seann William Scott.

4:36 PM

Anonymous NYCorpWhore said...

at least 2 more seasons?

Atlas, I don't know you but I have much respect for you. I just hope you wrote this without actually watching OTH.

I'll admit, I was a fan. I thought OTH was a great new teenage drama 2 years ago when it debuted. It was more relatable than the OC and Sophia Bush is a hot piece of ass, but these days my grandmother could write more realistic and relatable stories than the OTH writers have been able to in recent weaks.

I am not sure I could make it through 2 more episodes at this rate and with CMMs recent antics, and some insiders from the WB, I can not see this show going two more seasons...

Please please please don't wish this on us Atlas

7:18 PM

Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

nycorpwhore: Indeed, I don't watch OTH. But bravo to you for copping to it. The only reason it'll last is because everyone wants those syndication revenues: which means they have to have 5 seasons. Currently, they're on #3, so that's why I think (but don't hope and would like to be wrong) OTH will still be on the air in a year or two.

8:14 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, and now One Tree Hill has reached syndication. And you still have Chad Michael Murray as your avatar. Eating your words, Atlas?

10:28 PM

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