Ad Buyer Beware: Next Season on the Nets: 1.44

Overall: ABC will probably have another couple of surprise hits [hit shows aren't lightning strikes-- they're a job and it's called development] and look poised for a good year with now-sophomore hits Lost and Desperate Housewives. Fox, having figured out that it can make more profit in healthy DVD sales, has ordered a string of new series, most of which will fail. But the non-losers in the bunch should be sufficient to keep the net afloat. Most CBS series will [like much of its audience] continue to sail gracefully off into the sunset/syndication years, but at least they're on a yacht, not the Titanic like the folks at NBC. Ah, the proud peacock of networks. NBC will continue to remain the laughingstock of networks and [karma-willing] several mid and high-level execs will be sent packing.

Net by Net: Perhaps the biggest surprise of the season is that Fox is keeping Arrested Development for a third season. It's all about the DVD revenue, people, I'm telling you. First, Family Guy comes back. Then, Arrested Development gets renewed. This is now a trend-- not a coincidence. Fox also has a dearth of fresh, younger series, which explains its reliance on new fare. Only House and the OC still have some pep [though 24's creativity and ratings are fairly solid], but in an unlikely move, Fox seems to be ending its overreliance on reality tv.

CBS is trying to go younger by canceling Joan of Arcadia [hey WB, need a hit series? I'm sure you can talk Barbara Hall into adding some young hotties to the cast and giving Joan a superpower if you bring it back] and Judging Amy. Look, CBS, don't bite the hand that feeds you commercials for Depends and Metamucil. The demographically-potent Baby Boomers are greying rapidly, with the tip of the Baby Boom wave turning 60 this year. So stick with what works.

And while we're on the subject of Judging Amy and old people-- I hate Tyne Daly's manager. He also manages Leslie Bibb and Anna Faris, too, I think [both of whom need to call me, seriously]. His name is Glen something and he's one of those creepy old gay guys [as opposed to most gay people, who are not creepy] who pesters you with questions until you realize that you were just talking about your underwear preferences. Dude, I pray you get sued for sexual harassment one day you balding, brown-nosed, leather-faced smarmy loser. There, I've said it. I feel better. Moving on. . .

The big surprise at NBC was the pervading stench of dread that not even a peppy pitch by the network's remaining stars could penetrate. I hate NBC. Except for the Martha Stewart Apprentice spin-off. That I like. And can we say 'ratings gold'? Desperate Housewives hit it big with four catty housemammas-- imagine if there are like 14 of them, and they fight to the death with decorative centerpieces. Now THAT is entertainment.

I saved my favorite network for last. The ABC development people saved their network and if I were an ad buyer, I'd feel pretty confident in their ability to deliver the goods. Have I mentioned how much I love J.J. Abrams lately? Anyone know if he needs a good assistant. If he asked me to be his assistant, even his second assistant, I would literally give Sloane the finger and walk out the door. And I would feel good. Oh yes, I would feel sublime.

Finally, the weblets. The Frog and the. . .uh, UPN. I officially don't care. And despite what you may have heard, I don't watch Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill. Seriously, I don't. Seriously.